Nightmare week - will it start to feel better?

[rememberatime]

I don't want to put this in a TTC thread as it might offend. I hope I can get support here.

This week I found out I was pregnant (around 5 weeks). I am in my late 40s and single (the pregnancy resulted from a very casual but ongoing relationship). I became pregnant after having sex once in a month. I was shocked and decided I couldn't possibly continue the pregnancy due to my age and having no partner to support me.

I made an appointment to arrange a termination and before I could attend, I miscarried. I am still miscarrying now (it has been 3 days). This all happened in the last 4 days. The miscarriage was very likely due to my age.

I don't know why I am grieving a child I didn't want. I feel a huge range of emotions. Mostly i wanted the choice to be mine - not my body deciding i was too old and the child not viable.

I know that overall, this is the best thing. it is easier and simpler. But I feel very alone and I can't share this experience with anyone. The two people who know agree it is for the best. But i feel very sad about having a miscarriage - yet I didn't want a baby (and couldn't have safely had it).

I can't seek sympathy from women who lost very much wanted babies. i feel like a fraud because I was going to abort anyway. It seems unfair to other women. There is no support for people in my situation. We are expected to be happy. I feel like the last few days has been a rollercoaster of emotions and I'm not sure how to feel.

Didn't want to read and run. I can really feel your turmoil in the post.

thank you Miracle. I guess turmoil is the right word. I suppose I have hormones rushing around that are causing it to feel worse.

I had less than 1% chance of conceiving and then an 80% chance of miscarrying. I know this baby was not to be. it never was. But equally it was a strange feeling to know the choice was taken out of my hands.

Im going through a miscarriage alone. I suppose thats the worst bit.

Just wanted to offer a hand hold. I've had many miscarriages and even with a long term partner the inside of my head was/is a very lonely place. I think miscarriages are so physically and emotionally entwined, not to mention the bloody hormones, that its not surprising (to me at least) that they can feel lonely and horrible. You're not alone though, we're here

I am sorry you are going through this. It's such a lonely experience and heart breaking.

All of the things you're thinking and feeling are entirely natural and, even when surrounded by well-meaning folk, we're always alone when it comes to working out how we react to, and deal, with unhappy events.

Others can't do our grieving for us, nor can they take away the pain of loss. The fact that you intended to abort doesn't mean that you can't, or shouldn't, feel sad for the what if's and the if only's and the child that wasn't meant to be.

Be kind yourself, OP.

Sorry you are going through this alone, sending positive thoughts your way.

I'm so sorry, op.