Is it ever truly possible to regain trust once it's been broken?

[holdtheladdersteady]

Just that, really.

My partner lied to me about something major (he slept with someone else at the start of our relationship, when challenged he promised that he hadn't, I found out from someone else and he then confirmed it).

I don't know if I could ever trust him again. The cheating is one thing, and is bad enough. But the lying, repeatedly, is quite another, and in my eyes is much worse.

Can trust ever truly be rebuilt? I think a small element of doubt would be like death by a thousand cuts. But I'm interested to hear if it's possible to move on without the doubt always being there.

I have read stories on here where couples have got past it. But only with counselling.

I've also read a lot where they tried but the trust was gone and that damaged it moving forward.

In my personal experience I couldn't trust anyone who lied. Because it's how easy they lied and with cheating, it's also all the lies they told during that time. I'd never trust them again.

Hmmm, depends if they're a compulsive liar or not. For me, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust his word.

You know now that he will cheat on you and lie even when given full opportunity to come clean.

Until proven otherwise, he is a cheater and a liar.

I would want a partner who is not a cheater or a liar. What you want is up to you, OP - but if you stay with him, you are choosing a cheat and a liar as a partner. Why on earth would you do that?

My knowledge says no. My ex lied time and time again, and I felt like a mug when my gut feeling turned out to be true. He lied to protect himself, and not once have me an ounce of respect. Its horrible to live with while you want to believe what your partner tells you it will erode every ounch of your self worth. One lie is always followed with another

Hi - I’m sorry you’re feeling low OP nobody knows you or your partner on here so is difficult to make any sort of sweeping statement as to his character. As I have recently posted about myself, during the beginning of my own relationship I had an awful, coercive sexual experience with somebody else which I am currently having therapy to discuss. It’s entirely different, but at the time I did not see it as a coercive encounter but thought, ‘oh god, I’ve cheated’ and have always, always felt guilty about it even though I’m now trying to process it for what it was. I didn’t tell my partner because I thought he would end things, and he probably would have - we didn’t know or love each other back then, for all either of us knew we would not last longer than uni (we were 20). I think this is hard for you because it feels like a fresh betrayal - the man you loved slept with somebody else. But back when it happened, how close were you two? For me if anything similar happened to me now I would tell DP straight away I like to think, but back then we were at the very start and our relationship just wasn’t what it has now subsequently grown to be.

My point is - yes your DP May be the callous man who lied to save himself; on the other hand, he is only human and may have been scared that to confess at the time would lead to him losing you, and he may have been living with all this guilt that he could see no way out of.

I am sorry for your pain

Yes, the lying almost equates to the cheating. You gave dp a clear opportunity to come clean and he did not. He was trying to save himself and NOT lose you in the process. He would have felt guilty and scared - not that I am making excuses for him.

How often did you ask him if there was infidelity?

I would struggle to forgive someone if I asked for the truth and they continued to lie to me. My dh became close to someone (no petting or sex). He broke down and came clean himself. It was unlikely I would have discovered any other way. Though tremendously hurt, I was able to work towards reconciliation.

@lornacariad thanks for sharing your story, and I'm really sorry that you had such an awful experience . I completely understand why you didn't tell your partner, and I understand why my partner didn't tell me. If your partner asked you a direct question about it, would you have told him the truth, or lied about it?

@Faith50 I asked him about it on a few occasions - let's say 5 for the sake of it, over about 6 months. He never volunteered the information himself, I think I would have respected him a lot more if he had. Instead, I asked, and he denied. More than once. Until I basically showed him unequivocal proof that I knew, and then he admitted it.

My ex was a compulsive liar. And a gaslighter. And I never knew what was truth and what was lie. He didn't cheat (as far as I know) but it was still horrible to be lied to. I think he believed his own lies a lot of the time. I think current partner does too.

IMO yes trust can be rebuilt but when it's around cheating, no I don't believe it can. I think once you know they're capable of that it will stay in the back of your mind forever. You will always wonder if he had even been truthful about how many times that happened and with how many people etc...

Normally the answer is no.

However, I think it's sometimes different if it happened at the very beginning of the relationship but it does depend.

How early into the relationship was it? How serious were you? Had he or you said I love you yet?

Holdtheladder Five times too many. I can understand why you are devastated by his lies. Only when the evidence was there did your partner finally admit to infidelity. Of course you would have respected him more had he come clean of his own accord. The pain would still exist however you found out but it cuts much deeper knowing he looked you in the eyes and lied.

I didn’t recognise it as a lie either. He was very convincing. So I worry that I’ll constantly doubt my own judgement. If I didn’t recognise a lie before, how do I know I could in the future?

@user1481840227 we were about 6 weeks in, so no, it wasn’t serious at that point. But it’s the lying. That bit is recent, and we’d been together 18 months at that point.

When I was (a lot) younger I had just started a relationship which I was keen to grow. About six weeks in I went home for Xmas and slept with an ex-gf. I never mentioned it! I tried to forget it - because I had no designs on ex gf or her on me - and I’d told ex gf that I’d met someone I was keen on.
I went on to have a four year relationship which was mostly lovely! But I wonder if she would have been ok with what I had done before we were official. I wonder if I would have tried to hide it so as not to spoil things.
I’m not sure if I would have lied? Thinking back...Minimised I suspect? I don’t know.
I was completely faithful to her throughout the relationship- it ended because she cheated on me!

I think maybe it’s difficult to understand how you could ever have been so casual or disloyal at the beginning of a relationship once that relationship grows. I suspect lots of people early on have other potential love interests their lives, that they only close down when they fall for someone commit. And then find it hard to imagine that there was any cross over, and would feel hurt Or shame looking back. And then I guess you might think that the truth is not a true reflection of what happened next - but could spoil the present. I’m rambling OP but just offering a personal perspective for what it’s worth.

@Dadaist thanks for writing. Interesting to hear things from the other point of view. I can understand what you are saying about things being very early and unknown, and still fairly casual without really knowing at that point if things would work out or not, with no serious feelings involved. He says he has been faithful since then, since the point where we got serious (about 3 months in), but of course I now doubt this in case he hasn't been truthful about that either.

My ex and I separated for 3-4 months at one point; I thought we were trying to work on our relationship, whereas he thought it was an opportunity for shagging around.

When we got back together I was aware of the way he'd behaved and made it clear to him that I knew what he'd been up to. We talked it through and I was prepared to try again. We moved on from it - and I did trust him again, because he knew that if he did sleep with someone behind my back I would end the relationship immediately.

However, for me, what was gone was any respect I had for him. I discovered that I could not respect someone who behaved so poorly towards someone they were supposed to care about - and eventually realised that not only had the love gone, but I didn't actually like him as a person. I ended the relationship.

@TimeforanotherChange how long into your relationship did you have the break? How long after you got back together did it take you to realise that you didn't want to be together any more?

If he can lie like that I'd do yourself a huge favour and move on. From experience I can honestly say the lies will only get bigger over time and that initial red flag you questioned is the time you should of hit the high road. (God I wish I had a time machine)..!!

Why do you want to get past it?

Is there any part of you thinking, "well, compared to my ex this is nothing, I should get over myself"?

@holdtheladdersteady We were about 9 years in and 3 small children. We separated (ie he left!) for 6 months - he wanted to come back after about 4 months and I told him I was perfectly aware of pretty much everything he'd been up to - we live in a small town and everyone knows everyone else's business.

I was prepared to try for the sake of the DC, so we talked over the next 8 - 10 weeks and he eventually moved back in. I was dubious at the time - pretty much knew within 6 months that I didn't feel the same and limped on for another couple of years until we finally divorced.

In retrospect I sometimes wish I'd just told him to fuck off straight away - and other times I think I can at least say I tried everything I could to make the relationship work for the DCs sake. They are all now late 20s/30 and have little or no relationship with him as he put very little effort in as they grew up.

Op i had a similar thread 3 years ago . Ultimately I couldn't and had to break things off . And my XF hadn't cheated on me

Is there any part of you thinking, "well, compared to my ex this is nothing, I should get over myself"?

Yes, possibly there is some truth in that. I keep asking myself why I am prepared to settle for this. I think I'm sucked into the promise of the future and what our life could be. It's a lovely distraction from the reality of the lies and cheating.

@IndieTara how long did you try for before you knew you couldn't get over it?

@holdtheladdersteady i tried for about 10 months after it happened