LDR - am I expecting too much?

[beatitudinem]

I am really confused about how upset I should be with my partner right now. I feel extremely upset, to the point of the relationship being under threat, but I am not sure what to do about it and resolving relationship problems without being able to be in the same room is more difficult.

We have been together 18 months and he recently left the country for a work posting (voluntary not forced) which is going to mean us being apart for quite a while (likely 18 months or more, during which I will see him twice at most). It's not military, but it's along those kind of lines where I can't visit / see him and he's in a small, isolated community.

I wasn't very happy he decided to go, I'd just met "Mr Right" and we were really happy. My hopes were that we would move in together and that this was the direction life was going, so this tossed me a curve ball. Then I saw how excited he was about the job posting (he worked very hard to get an opportunity like this) so decided to give him my total support on it.

We're not youngsters (40s) so I wasn't in a hurry to have a family or anything like that, but at the same time I have definitely not been lucky in love and never ended up with the right person and have never experienced what it felt like really, so I thought it was "my time" to just enjoy that day to day of loving someone and living life with them if that makes sense.

I am struggling a bit with the whole thing. I've done my best to be supportive (care packages, helped him with the move, adapted to video dates etc) but I feel like it's not working as it should.

He's a very kind person, and I think really devoted to me and he's made it clear he wants to get married when he gets home. We have a good relationship, a real case of opposites attract and I think we really love each other but he can also be really, really inconsiderate sometimes.

When we were together, I can't recall once in 18 months that he ever went out without telling me, or where I didn't know where he was or anything like that. He wasn't much of a drinker, and definitely not a party kind of guy.

He's been gone for a month, and twice in that month he's gone out all night drinking, not even told me he was going anywhere and then been off grid for 24 hours leaving me really worried. Especially as where he is isn't necessarily all that user-friendly.

The first time he did it, I went ballistic (I was really worried) and we had a huge fight and he promised to be more considerate and check in with where he was going and to let me know when he was home. I explained I understood he was on a work posting and making new friends and that I wanted him to have fun, but to just please not leave me wondering where he was.

He apologised profusely, and then repeated the same thing two weeks later. He claims he popped out for a quick drink and ended up staying out all night and sleeping all day. All told he was AWOL for 20 hours and I was at first nervous, then seriously worried.

I have never been the type of woman to tell a man what he can and can't do, and I don't care if he goes out (even all night) but I do think it's cruel not to tell me. And I feel ragingly angry that I was spending my Saturday putting together a really carefully thought out care package and he could not even be bothered to call.

Moreover, I feel like more is going on here on a deeper level. He wasn't considerate with this behaviour, and has acted like a single man. Do I think he was cheating? Seriously doubt it, but I guess it's possible isn't it. It's more the total lack of caring about how I feel that's infuriated me.

Not just with this, but with taking the posting in the first place. I don't feel secure in my relationship because I don't trust him to make decisions that take how I feel into account if that makes sense. I've been having recurring nightmares, felt quite unsettled and all this is hard for me and he's not helping.

I have tried talking to him, and it's obviously fallen in deaf ears. to make matters worse, in the past when he was home if we were arguing he would always drop everything and come right over, and now he can't do that. So we seem to be in a situation where he doesn't know what to say to me when I am upset so he just says sorry and then doesn't say anything.

This relationship was so important to me, but I feel so lost right now. Am I completely over-reacting? Do I need to pull myself together here and grown up or is this kind of thing just jerk behavior? Can anyone help me with working out what to do?

The worry he put on you not once but twice would be more than enough for me to call it a day. I break it off and get on with my own life. If/when he gets back maybe meet up and see how you both feel, chances are you both may have moved on.

I agree with Mum4Fergus . 18 months is a long time so: stay in touch but build your own life - life is too short and precious to wish it away or to spend it worrying about what might be. When he comes back see how you both feel. Sending you happy vibes.

I agree too, get on with your own life OP, you’re just lining yourself up for a miserable 18 months. It’s not worth the pain and anguish you seem to be going through.

I am not sure how likely it is either of you will be the same people 18 months from now. An 18 month posting immersed in a community in a different country would change anyone. By the end of it he may want completely different things for the rest of his life.

Is this a VSO type thing?

Cheers everyone for responding. Yes, it's along the VSO lines of things. I think it hits the nail on the head that I'm setting myself up for 18 months of feeling bad. More off, just can't believe that I am willing to make all these sacrifices and he can't even send a text to say what he's up to to make it a bit easier on me. So selfish.

I just ended it. Feel crappy, so going to go for a walk, but thanks for letting me know you didn't think I was overreacting. It's hard when you're in the middle of it and someone is in a lot of ways a great partner to know what to do. I had so many rotters before him that maybe I just have absolutely no idea what I should be expecting.

Well, I actually do think you might be overly emotional and overreacting. My dh and I were long distance for 2 years. We’d been dating about 9 months at that point but then were on opposite sides of the world an 11 hour flight from each other. It also wasn’t ‘forced’ my choice because I got offered a career opportunity just after I met him that I couldn’t turn down (it’s paid off amazingly, 10 years on I have a well paid career despite 2 dc and I love what I do).

It’s really hard being apart but it’s a marathon not a sprint. I am absolutely sure we both went out and got stupidly drunk and weren’t in touch with each other. We didn’t have children or other immediate responsibilities. And we trusted each other. I never once thought my now dh was up to anything other than hanging out with friends. This is what you do when you live abroad (I’ve also worked abroad for NGOs in developing countries as has my dh, so I understand what it’s like to be a foreigner living in a small transient community). Those are often the only opportunities for meeting other people and getting out in what can otherwise be a very isolating situation.

If there is a backstory about why you don’t trust each other, that’s one thing. But if you otherwise have a loving and happy relationship and have plans for a future together, this sounds like a bad reaction to the stresses of a LDR. You absolutely can make it work - we did for 2 years, now been together 11 years, married for 8, with 2dc. But you have to be 100% sure you’re ready to weather the bumps. If your relationship is otherwise solid, it’s totally worth it.

Thanks for that response, glad it all worked out for you. I have also lived overseas, I spent six years when I was in my twenties travelling with work to various places and one of the reasons I wanted him to go is that he'd never been anywhere or done anything (got married very young etc) and I do understand he is in an isolated place and it's normal that he goes out and hangs out with people.

To stress, when we both were in the same city, if he went our for beers after work or anywhere at all I was so chilled about it I didn't even ASK where he was or who he'd been with. We were pretty good at having independence from each other without anyone ever being threatened by it.

But then he would always tell me he was going out, and I'd always get a message in the morning right away so he never gave me cause to be worried about his safety. He didn't just disappear on a Friday night. It seems bizarre that he's been there a few weeks and done it twice.

My anger isn't about going out, I want him to go out and have fun. My anger is that you're chatting to your partner at 6.30pm about an article on the news that day and mid-conversation he's said absolutely nothing, gone out to the pub and not told me, and not surfaced for 20 hours after that (there's no 4G there so he can only get phone reception in his quarters)...it's not behaviour that feels considerate in any way of the other person.

How long does it take to send a text and say "going out" or another to say "home safely". I wouldn't have given it a second thought if he had.

There's not a backstory of trust problems, I (even now) but there is a backstory of him behaving in ways to assert independence (unnecessarily as I have never done a thing to stifle him) but he has banged on a lot about a very clingy ex wife who used to scream and cry every time he went out. I feel a bit like this behaviour is about that, and not about me.

Either way, as the day has worn on I just got more and more angry :(

I wonder if his wife used to 'scream and cry' because he used to pull this kind of shit on her? I always feel like men say stuff like that to train us, so we don't question their behaviour. Proving we aren't like the 'mad ex'.

I’d end this. His actions are showing he doesn’t value the relationship as much as you do.

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong, it sounds like you haven’t got the same values or expectations

You expect a man you don't live with (overseas regardless) to update you everytime he decides to go out? And check in on his return? Wow. I'd only treat a teenager like that.

You say it's so you know he's safe. What exactly are you going to do if he doesn't check in, other than panic? Ring the local police?

If I had a bf who insisted I did that I'd find it extremely controlling!

I don't think I expect someone to check in every time they go out, it varies depending on the circumstances, but if we're chatting on a Friday night and he decided to go out, yes, I'd consider it totally normal to say so rather than just disappear and not reappear until the following afternoon.

I also feel a a big difference between 2 - 3 hours of impromptu pub time to disappearing for 20 hours completely without warning, especially when you're in a remote and inherently dangerous place. He said he would have been extremely worried if I the boot had been on the other foot. Neither of us has ever behaved like that, so it's not normal for us.

I don't think it's about being worried anyway, which is part of life when you love someone, but it's about being respectful. If he said to me "when you did that it made me feel awful", I just wouldn't do it again.

Well from my POV I would hate having to tell someone every time I went out and came back. But I wouldn't have that level of contact anyway. It would also be agreed before I went how much contact we are both happy with.

I agree it was weird to cut off mid conversation though.

But that is by the by as i would think it pretty ridiculous to continue this relationship if he has decided to go off for 18 months. Cut yourself free and enjoy your time in a relaxed way while he is gone. Meet up when he is back to see if you want to pick up again.

Not worth the angst surely?

So until now he's never gone off on day-long benders, and now he's suddenly doing it? Not coming back until the next day? I'd also suspect that he was actually out with another woman. And his ex-wife used to scream and cry when he went out, for no reason at all? That sounds really weird, huh? Almost unbelievable. If not totally unbelievable.

I think you should end it and hopefully meet someone closer to home

It's difficult. I was in a LDR for 14 months with my then fiancé, now DH, and it was quite a miserable time for me.
At one point he went away for a week totally off grid with work and I really struggled even though I was prepared.
That said, I wouldn't necessarily expect someone I didn't live with to be in contact quite so much. If I couldn't get hold of them for a day or two, I'd be sad, but I wouldn't be angry. I'd think it was reasonably normal.
In my case, the LDR was both of us finishing up contracts we already had, with a firm plan for afterwards.
In your case...it's a life changing thing, what he is doing. And he's clearly partying while doing it, which is par for the course with many of these types of immersive experiences.
I wouldn't put money on him being the same person when he comes back. You already want different things, who knows how that will change over the time period?
I wouldn't be willing to be in a LDR in this situation. You can't just put your life on hold for 18 months with no guarantee of a future at the end of it. At the end of the day, the relationship wasn't enough for him to change his plans. Not saying it should have been...but you are making all the sacrifices here. What will be next?
By all means keep the door ajar in case it all works out when he returns... but do your own thing now.

Mmmm...I don't think there was another woman involved. Partly down to trust as I just don't believe he would be interested in someone else, partly down to the circumstances of his role being sort of a leader of a small community situation where he wouldn't jeopardise his reputation even if he was single by fraternising and partly because I don't think there ARE any women at all there. Or if there are, they are there with their significant others.

He says what happened is that he popped out for one drink with a few of the team he is working with and didn't tell me because he fully expected to me back in an hour, but he ended up drinking quite a lot and he says it got out of hand because there's no measures of spirits and he got much drunker than he normally would in a work situation and ended up staying out, then slept through the day as he wasn't feeling well.

I do believe he's telling the truth, he's very grovel-ly about it because he knows if the boot was on the other foot he'd have been really worried too.

I really do want him to go out and have fun and make friends. My main worry with him going is that he's very introverted and it's a tiny community where he's the boss and I was worried he's spend all his time by himself in his quarters reading. So I am genuinely happy if he's creating some bonds and having a bit of a laugh rather than being lonely. I just want to know what's going on so I don't freak out.

I think what I am living with is some insecurities on my part. Mainly probably raised by him taking the job in the first place. It didn't feel like what someone does when they've met the right person but on the other hand, he's worked really hard to get where he is, it's a massive once-in-a-lifetime kind of deal and he will make a lot of money from doing it, which he says is for our future.

It's difficult. More difficult with it being somewhere I can never visit really...only really military access or those employed on the project and such a big adjustment. I did have a proper toys out of the pram tantrum and dumped him. He was just sorry, and typical to him, listened to me, felt awful for me feeling bad and did everything he could to make me feel better and fix it.

I am just feeling insecure about the whole thing. Not because I think he will cheat, but just because I feel all the worries reflected in all the comments above.

I don't think he was necessarily cheating... but I do think this is par for the course in most LDR, and it's why I wouldn't do it again. Your lives just aren't as entwined, and he'll get caught up in what he's doing there. It's not that he decided he wouldn't tell you, but that in his world, he'd gone out for a few drinks and then had a long sleep... and he wasn't really thinking of you, far away, who was worried about him.

I've been on his side of it too, and it is tough. You have to throw yourself into a new place and try to integrate, and it's really hard to do that and remember who you need to be talking to at home, and to update them, support them and generally talk to them as much as you would otherwise, because you're living two lives. I hope I did a pretty decent job of it, but I can see why he struggled... and then add in any insecurity on your part that he's building a life without you, that you don't know who he's with and you can't visit him or see him often, and you get a pretty volatile situation.

The only real advice that I can give is to consider actions, not words - do his actions generally suggest that he is into this as much as you are, or just his words? From what you've said, he's promised you quite a lot. Do his actions live up to those promises?

And to consider whether you want a LDR and whether you are secure enough in it that you won't be ripping yourself to pieces for 18 months, because that could be miserable, especially if things eventually go south in 16 months and you've dedicated a lot of time 'waiting' for him.

For me, a LDR would make me sad and I'd be wondering if he'd done enough to dispel the concern around him taking an 18-month abroad contract where you can't visit just after you've met and are building your future together... he could easily have soothed some of that concern by proposing before he left, for example, rather than keeping you hanging on for it once he returns.

All the best

You need to get on with your own life whatever he is doing.

It's your choice to spend your Saturdays putting together care packages and it was your choice to worry to that extent about what he was doing.

When you're the person who has moved away, there are lots of new and exciting opportunities and you do sometimes get caught up in them. It might signal a chance in priorities and the end of a relationship - a friend of mine's relationship has just ended after 3 years because her partner got a new job and her behaviour changed. She ended it.

Ultimately, you can't control another person, all you can do is decide whether or not you're happy with the relationship you have with them or not.

I certainly pay wouldn't be wasting time worrying about him though.

Perhaps suggest a specific time to contact each other - after all, it's easy for time to run away from you when your routine has changed and the last thing you want is for him to associate calling you with getting a bollocking.

I think what I am living with is some insecurities on my part. Mainly probably raised by him taking the job in the first place. It didn't feel like what someone does when they've met the right person but on the other hand, he's worked really hard to get where he is, it's a massive once-in-a-lifetime kind of deal and he will make a lot of money from doing it, which he says is for our future.

Ultimately, if his feelings change, there's nothing you can do about that.

As for going in the first place, as much as I would hate to be in your position, in his I would resent being made to feel it was a problem for someone else. I'd rather be dumped and allowed to get on with my life than have arguments about it.

If he said to me "when you did that it made me feel awful", I just wouldn't do it again.

Really? Surely it would depend on what it was? Or how reasonable a request it was. Or how feasible it would be to achieve it.

He's not "Mr Romantic Words" or "Mr Big Romantic Gestures". He's said he sees me as being his future, but I can't imagine him ever proposing :) It would more likely be a tacit agreement to head off to the register office quietly. Which is fine by me as i am not that fussed about that sort of stuff. Had a lot of partners in the past who were all talk and romance and didn't have much beyond that to offer me.

He's not big on big verbal displays of commitment; but in all the time we have been together he has never been late for a date, never missed a date, never not wanted to see me or been too busy even when he was working difficult hours, always wants to know about my day, gives me a back rub if it gets sore, plans adventures for me that he thinks I would like, thinks I look pretty even when I look awful, shows up with dinner if I am tired, shows up with Lemsip and chicken soup if I am not feeling well, supports me in anything I want to do and is my biggest cheerleader, gets visibly upset if I'm upset and tries his best to work out what to do, shows up at my flat with his toolbox or some kind of gadget if he's seen some way he can make my life easier, walks in when I am tired or stressed and says "tell me how I can help", if I say I fancy some chocolate he shows up with every kind in the shop because he says he wasn't sure which I'd want, he lets himself in while I am away and puts bread, milk and eggs in for me if he knows I have a late flight home, panics if I am crying as he doesn't know what to say so he just sits quietly next to me holding my hand and listening until I run out of steam and he brings me tea in bed every morning when he leaves for work.

I never didn't feel loved, although he's not a person who uses words a lot, and I do miss that he expressed his love so physically or with practical things that meant so much that he can't do from a distance but there's never been a question for me that he's as committed as I am. He is doing well at being really loving by text etc. and he's made a big effort to send me postcards and plan video dates and all that. He seems completely committed.

I am maybe just being over the top. I think I just miss him and haven't adjusted yet to it. Even though we are still together it feels like a loss, and I'm emotional and definitely feeling really down. I am glad he went and took the job. I wouldn't have wanted him to have given up anything like that for me, and I know if the boot was on the other foot he would have wholeheartedly supported me in leaving too.

It's difficult though, it just feels like such a long time and so much can change in that period.