Is my relationship over?

[Mynameisrow]

I’ve name changed as his DM is on here. I’ve been with my DP for 8 years. We own a house together but we have no kids or anything. Recently I’ve been feeling really lost and I don’t know why. I really love him and it hurts to think of being without him, but I don’t know if we’re right for each other anymore.

My friends have started getting married and having kids and we are just coasting along the same as always. I have made sacrifices to be with him, moving 5 hours away from my family and friends, and I am really missing them. It is even harder now that my friends are having kids and I’m not there. We always said we would move closer to my family when we had our own family but I don’t think we will and he won’t commit to an answer. He also wants to be married before we have children.

To be quite honest I don’t know what I want from this. I feel sad and I’m realising that I’ve been going along with everything and not speaking up for myself for 8 years. I think I’m scared of the outcome.

Sounds miserable for you. Eight years is a long long time to be coasting. You need a frank discussion with him. You can't spend the next eight years of your one life just going along with things.

Do you think he is the problem or other things about your life?

If he said to you 'let's move back near your family and have kids' would you feel happy, or do you actually want out of the relationship?

I use to be happy. I don’t know if it’s him or if it’s me, which I know sounds silly. But recently a friend told me that I let him rule the roost and until she said that I was living obliviously to how much truth is in that statement.

We’ve just built a two storey extension because he wanted too. I didn’t want to, because to me that means that we will live here longer, but he said it was just to add value and give us some extra space. You know because the two of us needed more space.

If he said tomorrow let’s move and be near your family I would go. But we had planned to start a family in the next few years and he’s started saying we don’t have enough time to do everything we want to do before kids so I’ve benched the kids idea for now and I’m okay with it.

I’m also really unhappy at work at the moment and that is getting me down so don’t know if I’m taking it out on him.

Eight years is long enough to know one way or another. Why stay with such a lukewarm person?

DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM UNLESS YOU ARE MARRIED. I wish every woman and every school would tell their women this. Your career will suffer, and his won't. And even if you are a high court judge - guess who gets called when Baba has a sicky? Woman almost always are the ones who lose their livelihood (or it is affected) with children, and marriage recognises that. If he won't marry you, don't have his child.

He doesn't sound passionate about you. Passion is worth holding out for.

Don’t worry, I have no intention of having children with him unless we are married.