He hasn’t told his ex wife about our relationship

[ejdsmith]

I split from my daughters’ father 4 years ago and met someone online 7 months ago. Things are going really well; we’ve fallen in love and we’re excited about the future. I’ve told everyone about him including my ex, and my children met him for the first time a couple of weeks ago. I’ve met a couple of his friends and he’s talking about a night out with his brother and sister-in- law in a couple of weeks to meet them. He says he wants me to meet his children but obviously that can’t happen until he has spoken to his ex about me- they’ve been separated 2 years. I’ve told him that I’m not pushing him and he needs to do things in his own time- it makes no difference to me and our relationship if she knows or not. However, he keeps saying he’s going to tell her ‘this week’ but then doesn’t which I’m finding irritating 😬😂 I’ve spoken to him about it and he says there’s a few reasons for his reticence. She can be difficult and could start giving him hassle about money and the kids etc. This happened last year when he was dating someone for a few months. Also, he’s concerned about the implications for the divorce settlement. I completely understand all these reasons, particularly the last one but then he doesn’t appear to be doing anything about starting the divorce proceedings 🤷🏻‍♀️Any thoughts??? 🤓

You shouldn't have introduced to him to your DC. His reluctance to tell his estranged wife, coupled with reluctance to set the ball rolling re divorce are both signs that he's not fully free or ready to commit to you. He's dating women but dropping them when his wife becomes difficult.

It sounds as though your feelings are confused - on the one hand you are trying to be cool and not care, on the other hand you are finding yourself discussing it with him and disappointed and irritated with him. I think for you to be very clear about how you really feel would help you a lot.

He might be concerned that you are on the one hand saying it is all fine, take your time, but that you are then getting irritated - ie not knowing where he stands with you.

But having said all that you have now reached the point where he is saying he will do something and not doing it, and whether it is because he feels pressure from you or not the fact is something is now not working and in your shoes I wouldn't feel I could rely on him/trust him.

You say on the one hand you are both in love with each other and wanting commitment, but the communication and support and trust is not there. So again I think you need to think about this, and be honest with yourself.

I can understand his resistance. Some ex wife’s can be extremely bitter and make things difficult with his relationship with his DC.

Play the long game here and enjoy your time without trying to force anything. I do agree with others though, it was way to early to introduce your DC to him

My irritation is more to do with my impatience when people say they’re going to do something but then don’t. I’d rather they don’t say it and then I’m not expecting it to happen. It’s the way I am with everybody in all aspects of my life. Food for thought though🤔I think I need a friend conference over a few bottles of wine 😁

Has he started divorce proceedings yet? If not, why not? Agreed that some ex wives can be extremely difficult in the separation process but 7 months is not very long at all to jump from separation to being in love etc etc. I suggest you back off, I would also suggest let him lead the way in this as he has clearly got emotional/financial and marital ties with his ex. Always remember a separated man is still a married man and has obligations to his wife and children first. There will always be tricky times with separated men. It goes with the territory I am afraid. All the best though x

They separated 2 years ago- we met 7 months ago

Hi,

It's a toughie and not dissimilar to my own experiences. My DP kept saying he was filing divorce and then not getting round to it! I felt I couldn't rely on him and wondered was there something more than laziness. Anyway when he finally did it he seemed so happy about it all my concerns vanished.

I remember the frustration well though and do not envy you. I think I would also pull back, you don't have to finish with him but take a big big step back from the relationship. You're not married, cohabiting or co-parenting so you don't have to be so committed. Let him show you with actions he's as serious about it all as you are.

Why hasn't he started divorce proceedings? That's the first step to freeing him up to enjoy his new life surely?

So what do you mean step back? Sorry I’m new to all this again after so long off the market 🤦🏻‍♀️😂I’ve dated since being single but nothing that’s been more than casual. Do you mean step back emotionally and guard my heart a little? Or see him less? I don’t feel we see each other very often because of child and work demands- 1 night in the week and every other weekend

If it were me, I'd stop bringing it up & just let things flow naturally.

If his ex is anything like some women I know, there's v v v v good reason for him to be reluctant to tell her and start divorce proceedings.
Just have fun, enjoy your time with him & if he doesn't tell his wife for another 7 months, I'd mention it again & say that you've been patient but can't wait forever.
I highly doubt it'll get that far though

I don’t understand why you’d want to put yourself and your kids in this tricky situation. It’s all just too complicated. Why do people start dating before they are untied and free to do so? I don’t get it. It’s way too complicated and full of drama/hassle. His story makes no sense and it would put me off. He’s either lying or avoidant. Neither are an attractive trait. He says he’s had a previous experience where the ex was vindictive. Ok, well then why didn’t he file for divorce immediately then as she’s shown she’s difficult? Why then wait until it all rears it’s ugly head again? How long is he going to do this for? 5/10/15 years? It doesn’t make sense. I’m guessing he’s lying about his ex reaction but it makes a convenient excuse to not have to bother and not spend money. You’ve got a lazy liar on your hands I’m afraid. If it was me I’d say “it’s all too complicated right now. You’ve got my number. I like you but I’m not willing to put me and my kids in this weird situation. When you’ve filed for divorce call me and we can chat” you need to be setting some boundaries. A friend of mine went through this for 5 years with a guy! He was always going to file for divorce tomorrow. When she put her foot down and said I’m not sleeping with you again until you’ve filed, he went back to his ex!! Don’t waste years like she did! It took her years to get over that.

I’m not putting my kids in any situation 🤷🏻‍♀️ They’ve met a ‘friend’ once. Your response is full of unhelpful assumptions. A divorce after separation can only be applied for after 2 years apart. It’s recently been 2 years

Oh dear OP. You're really pinning your hopes on him aren't you?

I wouldn’t be introduced any of the children until he was divorced. Even though separated he’s someone else’s husband currently by law.

I can see his point, I've seen this kind of situation cause hassle. In your shoes I wouldn't have introduced him to the children tho. He's married and it's best to be cautious. My exH was with another woman when we'd finished and 3 years later was still trying to get back with me.

Please be careful, i think he is not as invested in this relationship as you would like to think. Doesn’t mean he won’t be further down the line. I would hate you to be the transition relationship that lots of men get into whilst they’re go through separation and divorce. Once the ink is dry on the divorce papers they bugger off to find someone who does not remind them of the difficult time they’ve been through. Just watch what he does and not what he says.

This is tough. There are good reasons why a divorce can be stalled for 2yrs post separation, but equally there can be bad reasons too. A person can delay a divorce for that long simply by refusing to divulge their financial information, refusing to respond to lawyer notices, threatening no access to children, etc. It can get nasty and protracted. Especially if money for lawyers is hard to scrape together.

If it’s already an acrimonious divorce, adding a gf to the mix can be like adding gasoline to the fire.

So, really OP the only advice I have is to see if he will discuss a little more the specific difficulty he is having with his divorce. Your experience of having been through one may be helpful.

I wonder if he isnt as committed to your relationship as you are. The fact after two years after seperation he still hasnt began divorce proceedings suggests the above.
Maybe in time he will become more invested in you and a future together but be prepared he may not, its still early days yet.

A divorce after separation can only be applied for after 2 years apart. It’s recently been 2 years

I think it's better to not tell his STBEX about you, either now or even after the divorce. It may not help the divorce negotiations and afterwards it's none of her business. So I'd do a u-turn and encourage him not to tell her, which is also being supportive of his situation.

But if he's reluctant to start the divorce even after the two year separation then that needs a serious conversation about his intentions towards you.

Hi OP, I understand your situation all too well, as I am literally going through the same. Timing is slightly different, my bf and I have been dating for 9 months but he only separated from his wife 3 months before we started dating, so it was more raw.

I have been very patient and understanding of his circumstances, but I must admit that my patience is starting to run thin. The secrecy makes me sometimes feel like I am having an affair instead of a perfectly legitimate relationship with a separated man. In my case things are made worse by the fact that we live in a small town so we can't really openly go on dates locally, since we would most likely be spotted by ex-wive's friends and she'd find out that way, which would not be ideal. Bf and his ex are very amicable at the moment and he is scared to ruin the amicability for the DC's sake.

Not a lot of wise advice from me, but loads of sympathy. It is difficult and I sometimes ask myself if it is worth it.

Ignore the pearl clutching. I'm sure your kids aren't going to dissolve in despair because mummy brought home a twat one time.

He could have good reason to be reluctant. What's her situation? Is she single? He could feel awkward about being the first one to move on to someone else. I had guilt about that myself and found I felt a lot more at ease and open when my ex announced his new relationship.

Theres often bitterness when your ex moves on first. I'm thankful mine found someone else quickly as I'm not sure I could've taken years of bitter sniping. It was that that effected our kids more than anything.

I wouldn't tell her until the divorce is finalised then...

He separated 2 years ago. there is no reason they aren't divorced. If I were you, I'd drop off his radar until the paperwork is through. Until then, you are just either an ego boost or a tool to manipulate his ex, whether you think she knows about you or not.

Until the divorce, this is all about her, not you. Set your bar higher.

He may never divorce

They may just separate forever

What's the rush ?

Does he still have children that live with his ex in the marital home ?

He's probably a bit shy about discussing a new girlfriend with his ex wife. it's not really any of her business anyway.

However it wouldn't be a bad idea for you to be a bit more 'casual' with him until he makes his mind up to divorce. There are other men in the world.