Advice - porn/web cams etc

[11MrsLuther]

Name change for some advice.
My husband and i have been married 21 years. Have 4 children and have periods of up and down, stress, money problems, ill health- pretty normal. Sex has been fine, usually great during all these years.

4 years ago I discovered he'd been using web cam type porn, and many sites where you comment on the photos - so not just looking iyswim and also came across a list of sex workers he'd made for an area he was visiting. I'm pretty sure he didn't visit a sex worker but who knows. A few months later I found profiles on many sites looking for affairs, with his photos, what hw was looking fot etc and he had been exchanging photos, emails and videos with women from these sites. He had a secret email account.

We had counselling. I though about leaving but honestly was too scared..we've been together for 25 years since I was 18.

More recently I found another secret email address and phone. He had been exchanging videos with another woman. There was one photo if him wanking over his phone with her photo on, in our bathroom which particularly upset me. Plus loads of explicit photos of him taken at work. He had also been using amateur porn sites where you comment on the photos too.

He swore it was all behind home and agreed to get specialist addiction counselling..I found out later that he never went.

Desire all this I still loved him. Even though he wasn't even very nice to me except each time I found out. Then this summer, something changed and I started to feel empty and that I really wasn't sure if I still loved him. I have a close (very long standing) friendship with a male friend and over the last year, I developed some feelings for him. Obviously nothing has happened but I think this spurred me into reassessing the whole marriage.

Yesterday I found my husband had a web cam site pinned to his home bar on the computer. I'm not sure of you have to pay or not but it seems to be live cams.

I know this sounds pathetic but I have no idea how I would manage alone - money/kids arc. I have good friends but little/No family support.

My husband says he was just bored one night this week and looking at some porn.

I know I sound like the most pathetic, stupid woman ever.

You don't sound pathetic at all @11MrsLuther

To split with someone after so long together is terrifying. But your life will be so much better once you are free from this sleazy man. Your first stop should be legal advice. Do you have a close friend who can support you in real life?

Thank you so much for replying. I do have good friends, yes. Although possibly not much actual practical help.

You are not pathetic at all - he clearly does not care about you or your feelings - this is beyond acceptable OP it sounds like you have given him so many chances to sort this out but he is not willing.

It may be hard at first but you are better off without. You deserve so much more respect than this.

I think OP some of the grown men over a certain age these days have utterly lost their marbles when it comes to this shit. They seem to think it's just pure 'entertainment', 'a bit of fun etc'. It is not, it ruins trust, ruins marriages. And the problem is its nigh on impossible to feel exactly the same , even if they say they will stop. It's not whether they can stop, it's that they have shown sod all integrity in doing it in the first place. Personally OP I would do nothing, see a lawyer, work out the likely score, make sure you have cash for a few months and then tell him to go and do one!! And if he's not fair with you, you will let everyone know what he has been up to. Remarkable how embarrassment can force decency in some men.

Thanks so much for replying. I have booked a solicitor appointment for next week (something I've been thinking about for ages but putting off).

There was one photo if him wanking over his phone with her photo on, in our bathroom which particularly upset me. Plus loads of explicit photos of him taken at work.

Grim very grim

Yes he has done wrong but so has yourself, emotional affair with your male friend. I'd look into splitting up, get decent advice from a solicitor as soon as.

Thanks for your reply. Unfortunately that was one of hundreds of extremley grim.photos and video clips I've seen over the last few years, I really can't describe how.they made.me.feel . I totally appreciate having feelings for someone else is wrong, obviously I have not done anything about it. I have been feeling very vulnerable and sad, I think my feelings just started me thinking about why I was accepting such an awful.situation at home.

I think you were looking for a way out mentally , you didn’t act on it, please ignore what I think is a rather nasty comment from another poster

Why would he make a list of prostitutes? It is like writing out a shopping list with no intention of going shopping.

Freshwaterbay - I think I know that deep down. I couldn't find any evidence (money wise) that he did do it though. I found a story he'd written on one of these sites where people submit erotic fiction, about this day (he's taken our son to a specific event so easily identifiable) and it said he'd met up with someone he'd been talking to online for sex. He swears that he didn't, it was all just his imagination.

It's not an emotional affair if nothing's been said etc. It's just fancying/liking/imagining about someone, which we all do sometimes, it's human and there's nothing wrong with it- although it can highlight that there are issues at home maybe.

This is awful OP :( Don't forget to photo everything you see etc so you have evidence.

Hugs xxxxx

Bloody hell get rid OP.

Wow, he is horrible. Absolutely horrible.

You will be so much happier without him. Do you work? What ages are your children?

I'd be building up a collection of screenshots of his awfulness and once I'd got my financial etc ducks in a row I'd leave him on a day I could pin all the pictures up all over the house. Save them to his background on laptop/phone/iPad, bluetac to his car dashboard, the works.

Sorry you're going through this OP. He's the weak pathetic one, not you.

Thank you for replying everyone. Yes I do work, I earn less than half he does though. Mainly due to taking a step back/working part time for the kids for years. I have got screenshots on a usb, kept at a friend's house.