"Don't tell daddy"

[rvby]

Yesterday my DS (7) was on the receiving end of mild violence from a younger boy at after school care.

This kid is younger, struggling socially, and known to the after care supervisors as a bit of a problem at present. It was one of those where the kid started out pushing and shoving a bit, then escalated as DS didn't react. DS handled it admirably, tried to restrain other smaller child, and eventually (after say a minute, as it had escalated to kicking etc.) lost his temper and threw a punch. Supervisors intervened, children were told off and comforted as needed.

DS a bit upset about it but much better after a talk and being reassured he had handled it as well as he could. But... he asked me not to tell his dad (exdh).

Now exdh has a dramatic streak and can catastrophize for England tbh, especially as it relates to anything to do with fighting/"boy stuff". He has issues around "teaching DS to be a man" etc. and would want to hear all the details retold, talk about the other child being terrible, etc. etc. and start going on about how he should stand his ground etc.

So I understand why DS wants it kept quiet. And I have kept it quiet. If DS were 4 I would ignore it and tell Dad... now I feel DS is old enough to want some privacy in things like this.

Thoughts, though? Is it a coparenting sin not to share all the details with the other parent...? I know that if I were ex, I would want to know. But I like my DS more than my ex and don't want to betray his confidence. And I don't like my exdh's toxic masculinity slant on this particular subject either.

AIBU?

It's sad that your child already knows his father will make a big drama from this that he will find upsetting, I'd respect your son to be honest, he doesn't need every spit and cough and your DS wasn't the instigator, if he was that would be different

If you have told DS you won't tell his dad then don't. That would, like you said, betray his confidence and trust in you. However I would personally not agree to keeping secrets from the other parent as it gives the impression they can get away with things, and kids are smart and knowing you will keep secrets he will likely use it to his advantage at some stage and play one off against the other. Together or not, you have to parent together, you won't always agree, but if you expect exp to tell you things you should offer the same transparency.

Exdh isnt consistently transparent with me. Not sure if that affects the assessment of BU. He routinely only reveals things to me if it benefits him.

My role historically has been the one putting DC first while dad asks what's in it for him. Which has affected my viewpoint probably.

I did tell DS I'd not say anything this time.

My dp says I should tell exdh in a couple of days, once ds has had another opportunity to be around this kid and deal with it better. His POV is that DS has a right to not want to discuss it with dad before he (ds) has had a chance to sort it out / deal with it himself.

Crikey I don’t tell Ex half the stuff DS does, as mostly DS doesn’t want his Dad to know. Why would you? If he is just going to make it worse, your first priority is your child’s wellbeing which you put above anything else. Including his Dad.

Also, frankly, if you are the parent who doesn’t really, well parent, then you have no context and therefore can just fly off the handle.

The important thing is that you just deal with this and the afterschool incident well yourself. DS is only 7 he needs good parenting from you.

P.s. have had a lot of experience with this! It’s not a manipulation at all from your DS, he’s voicing what you already know. That your Ex does not cooperatively and joint parent, and that your DS just needs a simple, direct structure from you in this case to help you, without including the drama that you’ve hinted at is his Dad and will in no way help him.

I had the same, shared everything with Ex at first, naively feeling that this was best and ignoring my better instincts that Ex was so engrossed in how terrible it was not living full time with his kid that everything was about him. Looking back I really did my child a disservice, every incident was then about his Dad who either totally disagreed with how I handled it, caused conflict and put me down in front of DS, or made it a huge, huge drama and messed with DSs head massively.

I stopped sharing and DS is much more secure.

I'm the same with XH. He does so much damage and messes with DD's head that I'm generally happy to not communicate things to him

I think it’s fine not to tell him - he doesn’t need to know.

I also agree that it's best to keep your ds's confidence, especially in light of the whole toxic masculinity angle. It's ok to be his "safe person". Every child needs at least one. Ideally it's 2 parents, but in this particular scenario it's just you. I find/found myself in these types of situations too with my husband being prone to drama and overreaction.

I kept a heap of incidents re kids from my exH. I quickly learned that my early eagerness to do "the right thing" in fully involving him only led to him wilfully undermining me and blaming the kids for things like "not getting the first punch in".
It was bad for my kids and I was the parent who cared for them 90% of the time.
So I respected my kids instincts.

It was a Minor scuffle, dealt with at the time. Everyone has already forgotten the details including you. If your ds wants to tell his dad, that’s his business.
Hardly something that needs a conversation

Your child needs to know they can trust you.

My exh has a tendency to 'over parent' and infantilise our 13 to daughter who is more capable than he realises.

Protect your relationship with your son.

Say nothing to the dad. The lad needs someone to trust..he very early in life realised thats not his dad. If you spill he will realise he cant trust either of you.

It's not something I'd share with your exh. It sounds like he wouldn't deal with it well and good for your son to recognise this.

If in future there are other things that you feel you have to share with your exh, I'd be upfront with your son first that you're going to tell him. As a PP said trust is important and he clearly trusts you.

I wouldn't tell his dad either. I think if you go back on your word, your son might not feel able to open up to you in the future.

I wouldn't mention it to his father.
Your son's request seems pretty reasonable given the circumstances.

Thanks everyone. DS brought the incident up again yesterday, said he kept thinking about it and feeling upset. I told him this was pretty normal, to go over something that upset you for a day or two, and that it would pass. That it's natural to feel upset when someone has hurt you. Reiterated that some children take a while to learn how to be a good friend and it's no one's fault.

Took opportunity to ask what he was worried would happen if I told daddy about it. He said "Daddy gets upset and then wants to hug me for a whole hour and I want to only hug for 5 minutes and stop talking about it." So it does sound like DS just can't be arsed with the drama/self pity.

I haven't said anything to exdh. I don't think I will. @Longlongsummer shared everything with Ex at first, naively feeling that this was best and ignoring my better instincts that Ex was so engrossed in how terrible it was not living full time with his kid that everything was about him this is exactly what I have done up til now and like you say, it just never ends well.