Don't think I should go near men.....

[glitterdolphin]

Was married for 10 yrs to a very abusive man. Have 2 kids, 14 and 7. Got out of that and was getting stronger, then met another man who quickly asked me to move in with him. It was too quick and friends advised me not to, but I was homeless and I wanted to get away and start a new life, also he was lovely to me and great with my kids, sex was good etc.

Things changed when I moved in. I know it is hard being a step family, but he criticised my parenting a lot and compared my children with his own dd, who stays with us a few days a week. I have put my foot down about this, but he still criticises my kids a lot, which I find hard to cope with. He has a lot of rules, which I think are more to do with control then anything else, for instance we are allowed to eat in the sitting room but the kids aren't. His dd treats the house like a hotel but mine have to ask for everything etc.

I had some savings when I moved here, but they have all gone. Every time an appliance in the house broke it seemed to be my problem and I had to pay for a new one. I also gave him £2000 because he said he had over stretched himself buying a big house for us all to live in. Now I am in a lot of debt and he doesn't even have an overdraft but he still makes me pay £150 towards bills plus all the groceries. I earn a quarter of his salary and I often run out of money and have to ask him for a few quid. Last time I did this he almost made me beg. This is abuse isn't it? When I bought up the money I gave him, he told me that I owed him it for all the handouts he had given me when I was a single Mum, but I don't remember him paying for much. He never pays for anything for my kids, not even birthdays or Christmas.

Last year I tried to leave, (in fact I have tried to leave twice and lost two lots of deposits on rented houses) but he got me at a weak moment and said he wanted to marry me. I stayed because I dearly want us all to be a family, our kids get on well and my kids have settled in new schools and have their own pets, I would hate to uproot them again. I have no money but I am trying to get on a teacher training course to make a better future for my children. I feel sorry for them because we are stuck in a village and I can't even drive, (something else that annoys him about me.) He puts me down quite a bit because I am indecisive and a bit flaky but I have a lot to give. I feel I have failed my children terribly.

Last thing (I promise) he never says he loves me, or that I look nice and he hardly touches me in bed. We were both sexually abused as children, but I have had counselling, he refuses to. I don't think he can access his feelings at all. I feel sorry for him really because all he seems to appreciate is money. I wanted to make it work and for us to be a family but I doesn't seem possible.

Sorry, I had to add this.
It's not all negative. He does do stuff for me. He is a good cook and I love the creative side of him which comes out in his gardening, plus I am very physically attracted to him and I tell him this, I tell him how gorgeous he is (he doesn't believe this) but I don't get much back do I?

I wish I had never done this now, just needed a good old moan. I have decided to focus on his good points of which there are many. I think I have to change my attitude and stop being a victim, it's so easy to get into that pattern of thinking. I will challenge anything he says or does that I don't like, I will be strong and I will write a best selling novel and become a head teacher and earn more than him and then I will have lots of weekends away at a luxury spa in Dorset. Yes, that sounds like a fabulous idea.
Do men ever say they love you? Or have I been reading too much slushy fiction?

i am crap at relationship advice, and not much better at reading peoples behaviour..

i am sure someone will arrive soon with some sensible comments. in the meantime, can i put my name down for these weekends at a luxury spa? sounds fab, we could have a ball

Hey Glitter,

sorry to hear you've felt like this and perhaps it's time to get to basics and try and work out whether you spend more of your time happy or unhappy. If the balance is skewed more one way (and it ain't the good way) then you really are right to be questioning how things are for you.

x

sorry but he sounds like a bit of an arse personally.If you aren't happy then i would say leave.you wasted a huge chunk of ur life being abused by ur husband and u deserve to be happy and not treated horribly.I think you need to learn to be happy on ur own with your children.

glitter why are you still with this man? your previous post didnt make hom sound good and that was months ago.

some women seem to go for controlling men and maybe you need to explore why you stay with men who, quite frankly, have zilch respect for you. being a single mum and being in control of yourself is far more benificial to your childen and to your self confidence than staying with a control freak. he will not only eat away at you but he will damage your children too. its not good for them to see their mum so unhappy. i wish you luck

you have been single before and you can be single again. unlike many women who are too scared to take the plunge. the money business sounds horribl. And the rest

Can you sit down and talk to him about it all?

He sounds a bit too tight for my liking and not a generous man at all. I'm afraid the double standards between his children and yours would do it for me. It doesn't sound like he sees the family as being 'together' at all when it comes to money etc. Some good advice would be for you to somehow find the money to learn to drive. I am 35 and have just passed my test (hard work but worth every penny). It opens up a whole world of independence and in your position, might be a very useful tool to have under your belt just in case. It sounds like he is far more obsessed with money and forgetting the importance of being generous.

Glitterdolphin; you could be writing my story!!! It's sooo familiar and lots of posters who have responded to your thread have also been following mine and would agree. I divorced my first husband, was struggling as a single Mum (although happy) and I met H soon after. He moved in very quickly (he was in the army and lived with me when on leave) and took over everything. I should have seen the signs of control but I didn't (or wouldn't). Like you I needed stability. As soon as we married it changed. He has 2 kids from a previous marriage and I wasn't allowed to mention them, but he put my dc down SO much, said dreadful things to them and made them do awful things. Inflicted terrible punishments. Constantly called my 5 year old son an effing faggot, and gay and queer and poof, and made DD scrub floors with bleach when she was 7, all because she said no to him for something. We also have a dd together.
He wanted to have mealtimes in silence, kids weren't allowed to eat crisps from the packet; they ahd to tip them into a bowl as he couldn't stand the noise. It went on and on and on.
I finally got rid of him 2 weeks ago. I so understand what you're going through. Then they switch on the charm and if you're feeling less than superwoman at the time they reel you back in. I left in january to a women't refuge, and he STILL managed to get us back. But not this time. No way. You can do it; you don't have to spend the time unhappy and neither do your kids. They don't need his abuse. It WILL have far reaching effects on them; their self esteem and confidence. There were so many rules imposed that I have to constantly remind my son he doesn't have to check if it's ok to speak at the table, or keep looking at the door in case it's HIM coming home when he hears a car door. It's a scart scary step; it's taken me 4 years. But even though I now have the fight for contact (he's mentally unstable and I won't allow him unsupervised contact) I don't have the s**t on a daily basis and it's bliss.

Sorry to hear about all this stuff you've suffered glitterdolphin. I have had personal experience of long term financial and emotional abuse such as you describe. (TBH i dont want to go into details about it right at this moment). But i can tell you straight up, this situation will not improve. It always gets me that this sort of abuse often goes so unrecognised, and in many cases can carry on for many years, until the couple seperate or one of them dies.

Hes got a high level of control over you. Financial control is the best sort of control (from the POV of the abuser) because our society seems to support this sort of abuse, as you found, its hard to get anywhere else to live etc etc. Everything is geared around money and if you have none youre stuck.

He is completely taking you for a ride, you are keeping the family whilst he earns much more and doesnt pay his fair share.Look at you, doing a fantastic job in difficult circumstances.

If you can get out, you should, you are only getting one shot at life. this is a waste

God, guys I'm so confused. I mean here are the facts. I earn around £500 a month but this has gone down to £350 for the past 3 months and get £500 maintenance for the kids. I pay for all the food, kids stuff (including things for his dd (although not clothes, her Mum gets those.) For instance, she wanted a luau birthday party and I am paying for the party stuff because I want her to have fun and he would just say that we can't afford it. I also give him £150 per month towards bills. He moans a lot that the kids cost him in electric etc, but I don't think they do really. He is always saying that my ex should pay more, but my ex lives in London and is pretty good I think in that he takes them away and buys them stuff as well as paying maintenance. I think that seems like a lot of money but it just doesn't stretch far enough. What do you
think?

Lifebegins, he doesn't sound as bad as your ex, although the table manners stuff sounds familiar. He too seems to dislike my ds, (well let's just say he doesn't really acknowledge him much) particularily because when we first got together he overheard us having sex and flipped out and now he makes comments like he'll never have a girlfriend (my ds is 14) He has a stronger bond with my dd (7). Well, he tickles her and they play fight etc and I guess my ds is too old for that.
The rules used to really get to me but I do challenge them now, yet it's easier at the table etc when he is away on his business trips. I know I could go it alone but I am in a lot of debt now. Driving lessons are out of the question atm. I want to get on this course as I have a degree, it would only take another 9 months to train. Then I would have more financial independance.

Isn't it sad? he says he struggles to has no spare money and he doesn't see why I should have any. We had a big row the other day because he said he was thinking about raising some money to buy a piece of land, because it would be an investment and here I am, trying to think of how to entertain my kids on no money all summer. Also he has a house. I have nothing, except my two beautiful children. Actually, in that respect I have everything and he has nothing because he obviously sees no value in his family.

Sounds awful when I read it back. Sometimes I think he's an abuser and other times, we all go for a walk in the woods or something and I think "Yeah, we're a family." Very confused. I didn't mention the heating did I? He's so tight about that. Or the showers, we have to time them because he says WE use too much electric. Or the phone, I'm not supposed to use that in the day, yet I'm paying £150, that's not right is it? The other day I phoned my Mum and I started worrying afterwards about when the phone bill comes. How about the kid's pets though? They represent stability for them. Last time I managed to get my Mum to have my ds's cat but she lives miles away now, I am so isolated and I was stupid, I bought dd a kitten, it would break her heart, you know what they're like in rented places. What a mess. I feel I've let my kids down badly. Also my dd and his are very close. Poor kids.

Sorry, I'll shut up about this in a minute, I'm just so confused all the time. He's nothing like my ex in that he never shouts at me or anything like that and he doesn't mind me going out etc, he's not jealous at all. Do you think I can change the way he prioritises money or not? My friend asked me if I loved him, she cannot understand it. I thought I did, I certainly love his body, maybe not his mind so much sometimes. I'm wrong aren't I? There are loads of things I love about him. When I read about love it's this all consuming thing and people feel that they can't live without each other. I think I could live without him but I don't want to.

Hi glitterdolphin - sorry to hear about your situation. When weighing up whether to stay with him, please think about the affect on your children. My father married a horrible woman when I was 5 and I had years of therapy to get over the mental abuse that she seemed to enjoy directing my way. He's being simply horrible to you and your kids and living is fear, as you and your kids appear to be doing, is not "living" at all.

Don't feel I'm living in fear theressomethingaboutmarie, I'm not afraid of him at all, but he does seem to have some control over me. It's all very cofusing. I have gradually disolved his more petty rules, though I do dread mealtimes because he bangs on about table manners and that the children should eat everything on their plate if they want pudding. I've always been really relaxed about food. The thing is my dd (7) usually eats anything when he was away. It isn't fear, it's anxiety sometimes because he has to have such a tight control of the money. I thing he is a pretty messed up person and that the money is the only thing he feels he can control in his life. He hates his job for instance.

That should read think rather than thing!

Glitterdolphin; That's another of H's rules...the kids should eat everything on their plate or they get no pudding. But I hate that...soemtimes you just don't feel like eating what's on your plate and anyway, it's been proved that it can lead to obesity in kids as they develop a sense of guilt about leaving stuff on their plates so eat it up whether they want it or not. It's another control thing. he's even been known to want them to have what they left for tea, for breakfast the next day! Like anyone should have to have congealed spag bol for brekkie . I'm not trying to sway you one way or another, but they are so skilled at being subtle with their control that it's not until you're away from it that you realise how much they had you in their grip, especially the children.

I know love. I do argue back though. I totally disagree with that food thing too. My own father was the same and I ended up with an eating disorder. Dp away again soon and the tension at the table will be gone. Something else happened. He won't let me have a bagged vacuum cleaner because he says the bags cost too much even though I have to pay for the hoover and the bags myself! I've tried two different bagless ones and they're crap and emptying them sets off my allergy, but there we go again, I'm letting him tell me what to do! I have a massive overdraft and he'll say that it's because he worries about all the debt I'm in, but if he was that worried, he'd buy the thing himself! of course he has nothing to do with the housework! I just changed my overdraft into a loan today. I need to get some control back into my life. I mean he's not nasty, he doesn't shout or lock me in or anything like that (my ex was like that) but I agree, he's still trying to exert control over us. I can't cope with men telling me what to do anymore. I am really sensitive to it. I don't think he sounds as bad as yours though and he does have good points. It's the money thing that is the worst. I mean, he says he feels guilty for asking me for money when I can't afford to give it to him. He just point blank refuses to have an overdraft, but I have to or I wouldn't be able to survive. Take care lifebeginstoday, thanks for everyone's support. I will be off here for a few days but please keep an eye out for me!