Daughter introduced to ex husbands new partner- advice

[Tryingmybest12]

Hello. Would really appreciate your advice. My ex-husband is in a relationship with the women he left me for. My DD was introduced to her sometime ago. I don't know her and I have had no information since. Neither she or I have reached out to each other. My ex has never suggested we meet. I don't ask my DD about her and she has only mentioned her prescence in her life once, and in passing (she's very young).

I was asked by a friend recently about how i was managing the situation and to be honest my answer was- I haven't.

My ex husband and I are not on good terms. I feel if I ask any questions about my daughter's relationship with his partner he will become defensive and agressive- based on my past experience. I'm not sure what to do for the best.

Really appreciate any advice based on your experiences. Should there be questions I should be asking or things to be mindful of. Thanks

Exh met a woman, apparently, 6 weeks after we split and moved in with her 12 weeks later.

I dont deal with it at all. I wasn't happy the kids met her so soon and stayed over in a house with her. But realistically, what can I do?

I dont question ds or dd. I just carry on. Until one of them tells me they are unhappy there isnt anything I can do. They know they can talk to me about anything and if they mention her, I just nod and carry on the converstation. I certainly dont plan on meeting up with her.

I think just staying out of it is the right advice, unless you have any reason to believe she is damaging for them. This is partly because you just can't control it anyway, partly because not thinking about it is less upsetting, but mainly because you are doing your daughter a great favour keeping the ugliness of her dad's action separate and not soaking up the tension of that....

I sympathize OP. My husband left me for a woman 15 years younger and my six year old daughter was introduced to her very quickly. My daughter was actually incredibly keen on her.... she would ask me to make her hair pretty for her, asked me if she could go over to daddy's sooner to see her, told me she was dreaming of daddy getting married to her, and told me she was a 'bit better than you mummy, because she is younger and does cartwheels with me". To all this I just said " that's lovely dear - I am glad you have someone new you enjoy being with". Wasn't easy but meant my daughter only had the separation to deal with rather than soaking up tension that didn't belong to her. Was incredibly hard but worth it.

I am sorry you are going through this but sounds like you are doing a great job.

Definitely don't comment to your Ex H as I think he would enjoy it!

How old is your daughter? It is feels awful if your daughter really likes her but honestly it will feel 10x worse is your daughter dislikes her as there is nothing you can do.

Play the long game, always put your daughter first even if that means biting your lip. It does get easier.

If you have rose tinted glasses about him remember OW has to tolerate his bad habits. Make a list and it will help you through the darker times!

The short answer is ‘you suck it up’. The longer and kinder answer is that there is nothing you can do, and regardless of the hurt they have inflicted on you, ultimately you want your daughter to have a good relationship with both of them because you want your daughter to be happy and feel secure in both homes. It’s really tough, but her father is her parent as much as you are, and when she’s with him he makes the judgement call about who to introduce her to. It might not be what you have chosen but it doesn’t change the outcome. You could ask to meet her as she’s part of your daughter’s life, but if she chose to do so it would be as a courtesy to you and she is under no obligation to do so.

Hugs 🤗It's hard to hear from your daughter about the other woman obviously, hard to imagine her with her, especially considering she was the OW.

I'm not the OW but if I was in her shoes, I wouldn't reach out to you, as I'd be worried it wouldn't be well received. I'd leave anything like this to the father, I'd never get involved with you directly.

Ultimately you want to assume that this woman has the best intentions at heart with regards to your daughter. You don't want to drag your daughter into any unnecessary adult drama. And also, it probably wouldn't make you feel partcularly good hearing all the little details about their time together etc etc. Would you really want to meet her? And do you trust yourself to put your hurt feelings to one side at this early stage in any communication with her?

It's hard and awful but I'd say, trust your ex to have your daughter's best interests at heart and have him manage that contact. Spare yourself more heartbreak and enjoy the time you have with your daughter. Only talk to your ex about if there's a genuine concern about your daughter's welfare.

I think there isn’t anything you can really do or ‘manage’. Either of you can introduce your child to your new partners and the other can’t control or get involved, really.

My kids met my exH gf about a year ago. We don’t talk about her really - but I did a the beginning asked probing age appropriate questions here and there - less
to find out about her and more to see how they talked about her. They seemed Ok and she seemed nice to them. Which is all I wanted to know really.
Now as the time progressed - it all just became part of their life and everybody has adjusted.

It’s important your daughter doesn’t pick up on any anxiety re her dad’s house and his partner. So that she feels comfortable talking to you about anything, and your experiences in his house specifically.

Dont talk to your ex about it. There is nothing to gain really. There isn’t a reason for you and her to meet either.

Guys this is an old thread from 2019!!! Hopefully the OP is adapted by now! 😀