How to tell DC's that one has a new BF

[NoMoreLimbo]

Well, as it says above

Background. Ex OH and I split well over a year ago. I have now met a lovely kind man who is very much a part of my life, however, my two DC do not know yet. He also has DC's. Very similar ages. He split up with his ex even longer ago. Over 2 years. Neither one of us has introduced any other people to our DC's before. We are serious about each other and see a future together.

We now would like to move it to the stage where we 'come out' and let the DC's know that we are seeing each other. However both of us are somewhat petriefied and at a loss for how to do this. Neither of our exes is (openly) seeing anyone.

I really don't want to make a big deal of it, but also don't want to hide it anymore. The DC's are all in a range of 9-12. We are not planning on forcing any social get togethers were we all hang out constantly when we have our DC's but would gently like to introduce each other to our lives and DC's and do not want the DC's to be left behind as the relationship grows and then all of a sudden be introduced to the other person way down the line.

Thoughts or advice anyone?

I think it really depends on how long you have been seeing each other.
You split from your Ex a year ago and are thinking of introducing a new man into their lives!
Have they come to terms with your separation?
How often do they see their dad?
A year may seem like a long time for you but not necessarily so for your DC.

We have been seing each other long enough for us to know this is serious. The longer this goes on the further behind the DC's will be. Also, they 'know' something is going on as they realise that I am talking to someone on the phone etc.

I am not sure if they have come to terms with the separation. Good question. They seem like if they have. However, I will make a point of talking with them about it. I do think though that fundamentally no matter the state of relationships between parents most children would prefer their actual parents to be together. However, my DC certainly seem happier now. Sleep better. They see both their dad and me several times a week. We have a sort of 60/40 set up.

Hence, I never leave the DC's to go on any dates etc. All that happens when they are with their dad.

Don’t overthink it and do it sooner rather than later.

I met my OH’s kids 9 months into our relationship (they were 7 & 10 at the time). The older the kids are the harder it is IMO.

@NorthernSpirit I think you are right in the not overthinking it. I really do not want to make anything dramatic out of it, some big reveal. My DC's are 11 and 9.5 I just want them to know he exists and that I like to spend time with him when they are not with me. Then slowly introduce time we hang out a bit all of us. It is not like we have any plans to move in or anything like that, but he is now a part of my life.

I think it depends hugely on how long you've been together and how well the children have taken the separation.

My ex (father of my DS) and his ex had been split 6 months but their son was 4, so wasn't really super aware or able to articulate how he felt about the split. Even still, I suggested to my ex (who wanted to introduce me after 2 months) to do it far slower and talk about me first, maybe let him talk to me on the phone etc. That's easier to do with an excitable 4 year old than a 9+ child in my experience. We didn't meet until month 5, which was still a bit too soon in my opinion, but both my ex and his ex were fine with it (I actually met his ex first before meeting his son, as per her wishes).

It also depends how aware they are of relationships - did they see a lot of fighting or instability between you and your ex, or was it an amicable split? The problem with the former is that telling them you've got someone new could bring up old memories and fears of a similar thing happening, even if it's unlikely at the early 'Honeymoon' stage. If it was amicable and you're on good terms and there was little of the split for the children to see (ie they were shielded) then you'll probably be able to navigate introducing someone a bit easier.

Fundamentally though, I think with older children a bit more time should be taken - they're old enough to form opinions and reactions based on a new person in their lives. If they take it badly, you'll know about it far more than a younger child.

There isn’t a single right time, it depends entirely on the couple and the child/ren.

My son has met my boyfriend twice, as he is only four it’s a much easier introduction as his only concern is that he can chase him really fast and play lego.

I'm curious as to why you seem to be a little cagey about how long you've been seeing each other? Children view time very differently to adults. A month to mine is like a lifetime!

What does it matter how long it's been. OP says they are serious and she wants DCs to know. That's all anyone on here needs to know. Otherwise they'll be endless posts berrating her for not doing it in a MN Approved Time Frame.

I wanted to tell my DCs and wasn't sure how to do it. They used to ask what I did when they were at their dads and I used to bend the truth a bit or just say I saw a friend. When I knew I was going to tell them I just waited for them to ask and was a bit more honest about it. I said friend but kind of emphasized that and DD immediately asked what his name was (She's 8 so very perceptive). She took it well, didn't give a damn. Elder DC didn't like the idea but it coming around. I agree it's because he's older.

@NewMe2019 thank you for your post and I really like your comment about ‘otherwise there will be endless posts...’ etc.

The point here is I’m just trying to gauge and get advise how others have shared with their children that there is a new person in their life. If waited another year or I waited 10 my children, may or may not ‘take it well’. I guess there is no way one can tell.

@NigesFakeWalkingStickThe relationship with their dad was toxic abusive and full of arguments. However they know full well that this is not normal and not like how things should be. They also see that now that the ex and I are no longer together things are calmer and know our new home is a no arguments or shouting type of home. Unless the DCs bicker amongst themselves that is.

Well according to your other posts your ex only moved out a couple of months ago. Even though you'd be separated a while, and without knowing how long you've been seeing the current one, it's too soon. Their dad just left, don't introduce anyone else yet. Let them adjust to their new routine, give it 6 months and then see where you are.

@OysterbabeThat is not quite correct. I left. I had to in the end. The ex was meant to. He said he would and also told the DC that (when we told them we split up spring last year) he would move out. However he ended up converting the living room into a bedroom when I was away on a work trip. Put up a new wall and told the dc not to tell me when I called them. So we lived fully separated in the house for nearly a year and had separate weekends with the DC for all that time.

I will not rush it, but feel increasingly bad about not being entirely honest about what I’m doing when they are with their dads. They ask. Like @NewMe2019 I am doing the whole bending the truth thing. I like the idea of next time they ask I will be more open about what I’m doing and see how they react to that.

I have 1 DD who was 7 at the time, and new OH had 2 DD ages 10 and 12. In my experience, just be honest and open. Kids that age are a lot smarter than you may think. We just did, this is mummy’s new boyfriend and daddy’s new girlfriend. 4 years down the line and the kids still get on great and we are super happy. We started by spending weekends together and doing fun things, days out etc.

I agree with Oyster and would wait at least six months after the other parent has moved out regardless of living arrangements in the house before then.

They need some stability before even more change.

I agree in part with other posters. What's the rush? Don't try and say you feel you're being dishonest with the kids - you're not. You're merely having a social life away from them.

If you must, I'd say that you have a friend who you like spending some time with when they're with dad. I'd reiterate to them that you have no plans to make any introductions

I'd also add in a note of caution. You're in the honeymoon period right now with this new bloke. Why not wait a year before introductions? It's what I'd do and indeed, what I did. My kids were 14 and 5. They're now 21 and 12 and we are married and they see him as another dad.

Just don't hurry anything. See how it pans out. Enjoy dating before feeling you just okay happy families

I'd tell the kids that you saw a friend. The kids are old enough to imagine "boring" adult outings involving wine, walks, certificate 18 movies at the cinema and chatting.

If they ask for a name tell them his name but keep it light. They don't want to know that you're serious but might like an anecdote like he has a labradoodle called Yoda or whatever. After a few months of them knowing about him you can casually tell them that he's your boyfriend now and brave the teasing about kissing and stuff