Think my marriage is ending 😢

[Bobbelle]

I think my marriage has got to the stage that we need to split up. I really don't want this to happen but I can't find a way forward that our relationship will be happy.

We have a 10 month old DS and another on the way. I have recently returned to work 3 x 12.5 hour shifts per week. I continue to do the majority of the housework and childcare on my days off and cook meals that I leave for DH to reheat for him and DS on the days I am working.

DH has DS 2 full days per month on his own when I am at work. Other days DS is at nursery if I am doing nights which means I see them for a short period of time before and after work. He does some tidying up when he has DS but I still come home and have to tidy.

I have never had a lie in since DS was born. DH has had several and I have brought this up many times.
The garden was meant to be DH responsibility totally but he has stopped doing that and I am having to start keeping it looking decent as well.

His reasoning for this is that he is currently working all day and then all night when he gets home. He is doing this but it is his choice and he finds time to chat on the phone several times a week so he could manage to at least bathe DS if he wanted (he has only ever done this when I am at work and not around to do it).

We are having arguments now as we are not having sex. I reminded him I am in the early stages of pregnancy, working, doing the majority of all housework and childcare and have not had so much as a long lie since DS was born so am not exactly in the mood. He doesn't seem to understand this.

I messaged him today to say I think we need counselling if we stand any chance of working because we aren't making each other happy. He seems to think this is a ridiculous idea and our problems are all my fault. I have said to him the problem is we aren't prepared to make the other person happy and changes can't be forced on the other person (I am trying to be as diplomatic as I can - what I want to do is tell him that if he pulled his finger out his fucking arse and acted like a husband and father maybe I would have the desire and energy to shag him... But I've tried that blunt approach before to no avail).

Am I missing something here? I just want a lovely balanced family life but I don't know if I will ever have that with him and I am just so sad my life is going down this path

He really needs to step up before you step out!

I would have a long sit down talk with him and list out exactly what he needs to do at home.

So when your DH is home, your DS is at nursery?

Sorry to hear you're in such grim circumstances when you're pregnant. :(

IMO, you need to tell your husband he has to agree to counselling or it's over- or if he won't, that he needs to pull his finger out or it's over.

Hugs. xxxxx

I wouldn't say this needs to be marriage ending yet as you have both had enormous upheaval in 12 months, new baby, back to work and now a pregnancy.

I would suggest you both might have to let some things go.
What is your top 3 priorities? What are his?

I suspect sex might be higher on his priority and lie in's might be higher on your list.

Your life can't be the same as it was a year ago, it has to change for both of you. Look to outsource what you can around the house and try to ensure you get rest.

Did you discuss how going back to work, new baby & pregnancy would put a strain on each of you?

What’s his take on the situation ?

As pp said, your life changes so much when you have a baby and you both have to change and help each other. With our first, we had one lie in a week each for example.

I’ve got a 6 month old, with my first being 3 1/2 now. It’s so much harder trying to wrangle two kids, that I’d recommend trying to get some way forward as soon as possible.

Can you both sit down and explain what you both need to make it work ? Maybe the priority list as pp have suggested.

Does he have any idea that you are seriously considering ending the marriage over this? It's hard to tell but if he does he seems very calm about everything.

If he knows how serious it is (He might not, just because you've mentioned it does not mean that he has fully processed it) then he doesn't seem to care and maybe ending things is the way to go. But if he doesn't then there is a long way to go before pulling the plug imo.

Your both new parents and with you being pregnant I'd be amazed if he thought ending the marriage is a realistic option. And I don't know how far gone you are but could your hormones and the pregnancy be affecting your judgement on this? Not that it makes his behaviour any more acceptable if it is but maybe jumping to a life changing decision might be best put off.

With those hours I'm guessing you are a nurse or similar but whatever it is those are hard shifts and hard hours. You need supporting and if that means DH cutting back on his hours then you need to make that decision together.

There's not a lot people can advise apart from talking things through I don't think. He needs to see how you are affected and even if he is convinced that it is all "your fault" he still needs to be there for you. You'll have spent 18 months pregnant in just over 2 years, carrying his children. That affects you. So like I say, even if it was all down to you he still owes you and should support you. That is the job of a Father and partner.

Best of luck, hopefully he's just not taken a step back to look at the bigger picture.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

He knows I am thinking about ending it, we have been pretty rocky for a while tbh and it's always these same issues which never change.

I have tried so many times to speak to him and it just ends in horrible arguing. I just can't keep going with doing all this for the family and getting nothing back from him. I keep thinking today about how much easier life would be if I didn't have his laundry/cooking/cleaning ect to do.l and could just focus on my children

We discussed that having a baby and my return to work would mean he needed to do more. He does more, but it's still the very minimum and only on the days I am working. When we are both off I am pretty much left to all the housework, cooking ect.

We didn't discuss this pregnancy as it was a bit of a surprise!

Why not stop doing all his chores then ?