Leaving DH on third trimester

[Porridgeoatswithbanana]

I will try to summarise but I am so tired... I am pregnant with our second child, in my third trimester.
DH is hard working, great dad, does lots for me and DC, but I am so unhappy. I have been for a long time but things seemed better or maybe I was naive.
Main issues: lack of intimacy. We haven’t had sex for 7 months and this is not unusual unless we are TTC, this is really getting to me. We never kiss or touch, apart from a peck on the lips saying bye. He sees this as normal, we are tired and that but DC sleeps through the night. I really miss sex now with the hormones.
He only seems to like me if I am happy and cheerful, if I am sad or crying (hormones) he leaves the room upset, not a hug or words of comfort. He has said he likes me when I am happy. Nobody is happy all the time. He never compliments me, fine. I am not vain but sometimes I have made an effort and he plainly ignores it.
I resent him. And I think soon I will start to actually hate him.
I have tried everything, done therapy (on my own, he has no time), wrote him letters or notes, bake nice things to celebrate an achievement, etc.
I now think I want to be on my own. I am 39 and to young to give up. I don’t want my DCs to think this is what life and relationships should be like. We are already arguing more.
But I am very pregnant and very tired and only working part time as I do most childcare. We have savings that we could use until I can work again?
He says I would be breaking up a family and wasting our savings. I just want to be happy. I can make myself happy and get out and make friends but he brings me down when I realise the affection and intimacy are gone.
He is not interested in chatting either.
But he doesn’t want to split up, he seems ok with no sex and he wants things to stay as they are as “we are happy when you are happy”
He said he has tried to change. I said he hasn’t and anyway he shouldn’t change, we are simply not compatible.
I am so tired.
He said today he kind of thought I was going to stay for a few years until the children were older.

I want out already but have no family or friend support as I isolated myself.

I could suck it up until children are bigger if that would give them a better life, I don’t make much money. Happy to put their needs first, but to know I will lose my youth and never be touched again seems so hard.

I think we are both good people that are not a match, he doesn’t want to split up and acts all angry hoping it will go away and I won’t have the energy and guts to move out, I think he is right.

What do I do?

If I were you I would get as much information on my financial and legal entitlements, work out what I can practically afford and what I can't and arm myself with as much information as possible before I did anything.

I would also leave, I have left an unhappy marriage and started again although I wasnt pregnant. Can you reach out to your family and friends for support, you say you isolated yourself but did you burn all your bridges in the process? I'm pretty sure if someone I cared for reached out even if we had argued, I would do my best to help.

This is so very sad. Please have a final conversation with your DH. Explain to him that you are considering leaving if things don't improve.

Is it possible that your DH has mental health issues? This may explain the lack of intimacy and worthiness.

Ask someone to look after your DC and go out with your DH to talk away from the house.

Was he always like this in terms of libido, affection, compliments and chattiness (or lack thereof) or has that come about over time?

I imagine it feels extremely lonely - I too would hate a relationship like that and I totally understand why you want out. Sounds like you're being really practical and thinking with your head as well as your heart though.

As PP asked, is your relationship with family/friends salvageable?

But he doesn’t want to split up, he seems ok with no sex and he wants things to stay as they are as “we are happy when you are happy”

He's massively missing the point that you're NOT happy, isn't he?

If he's only interested in you when you're happy, so doesn't emotionally support you, then he isn't a good person- or at least not a good partner for anyone. Plus, you're not happy :)

Don't stay longer for the kid's sake- you'll make sure they have everything they need if you leave, even if you have a bit less money. I think the younger they are, the better they'll handle a separation.

Hugs and best wishes. xxxxx

Thank you all, I will try to reply, just teicky with the toddler.
Was he always like this in terms of libido, affection, compliments and chattiness (or lack thereof) or has that come about over time?
I think this is all my fault, he wasn’t like this at the beginning but he was more so just before getting married and first baby so I think it was all my fault for not having realised it.

@FetchezLaVache yes, he is missing the point, he said I would ruin life for DS

@interestedwoman I agree this is not good for them.

@Butteflyone1I had the chat last night and this morning. Months ago I asked him to sort out counselling and he never did. I have had 2 rounds myself. I just arranged it again for next Wednesday, maybe he will show up then, but what is the excuse for not booking it himself? Again leaving me to do all the relationship work. I work with children (hence my low pay ) and have training in SEN and not neurotypical personalities and I highly suspect there is something going on, I gently mentioned it once and it was a mistake.
@PhannyPharts I am hoping the counselling / mediation meeting next week gives me some info. I had a full time career in a big place but gave that up and now I earn about £500 a month, with no idea yet about maternity arrangements. Oh dear.

I can’t believe that a few humans of the internet have provided more emotional support in a few hours than he has ever done 😞

I want out already but have no family or friend support as I isolated myself
How did this come about OP?
Are your family toxic? Not supportive?
Can you reach out to family now?
Would they be receptive?

@hellsbellsmelons my family are toxic, apart from my dad who passed away when I was young and a brother who lives abroad. I would not reach out to them, that would be worse!
I have friends but I moved to my DH’s hometown and now they are all far. I haven’t managed to connect much here, not a strong friendship at least.

OP I am so sorry you are in this situation.
Personally I would suggest couples counselling, at least for a few months, say 4-6. It may certainly not keep you together, but if it can't, it can help both parties explain their points of view and see the other person's, and can help make separating a bit less painful.
Wishing you all the best OP x

Why did you have a second child if you have been unhappy for so long? I think it would have been easier and less expensive to leave with only one child to worry about.

Why did you have a second child if you have been unhappy for so long? I think it would have been easier and less expensive to leave with only one child to worry about.
How is this helpful? 🤔

@QueSera I have arranged to have an assessment next week with Relate. My idea was for mediation but I am also aware they might advise counselling first?
Not sure, I am really trying my best here.
As for @SherbetSaucer well, not helpful and not sure what to answer.

* Why did you have a second child if you have been unhappy for so long? I think it would have been easier and less expensive to leave with only one child to worry about.
How is this helpful?*

It’s not really intended to be helpful, just trying to understand.

It’s not really intended to be helpful, just trying to understand.

Everyone else has understood with the information given.

It just seems like the worst possible idea in that situation. A sure fire way to make an already difficult situation harder!

But I shall try better. The situation has deteriorated in the past 7 months. He has not even felt the baby kick, he seems to be quite reluctant to even touch my belly. If I say “quick!” He makes sure he takes a good 2 minutes to react and move to me. By then baby is not kicking.
He didn’t bother coming to the second scan because “I have already seen it”
For my birthday I got an envelope with printed pictures. No card no words, nothing.
He hasn’t touched me once for 7 months.
If I am sad and crying (anniversary of my father’s death for instance) he would walk away and say he can’t deal with it.
It was not this bad before when we tried for a second.
I have worked my whole life and wanted a sibling for my son. I have never asked anyone for money or help.

Why shouldn’t I have had a second?

I understand now you wanted more info, sorry @SherbetSaucerI thought you were trying to be mean, I misread

I wonder if you can relate at all to some of the posts on this thread and the threads linked to it in the first post:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

I think you already suspect this.

He sounds like a good person who will never be able to give you the emotional support and intimacy you need. He will never understand that you need such things or that you feel the lack of them. He won't ever be able to deal with any sadness or emotional crisis that you have. He is speaking the absolute literal truth when he says that he thinks that things are fine as they are if only you would be happy.

Anyway, it doesn't matter why he is the way he is, only perhaps that knowing would clarify once and for all that counselling etc etc, won't be able to change anything. I believe there is counselling available where one partner has Aspergers, and perhaps you could look into that?

What matters is that you have to decide whether you can spend the rest of your life in this relationship. You have to consider you first and foremost because he can't.

Why shouldn’t I have had a second?

This statement explains a lot. Unsurprisingly, getting pregnant didn’t solve your incompatibility problem with your H. However, being a single parent to two is a lot harder than being a single parent to one.

If you really want out then this is the time to start planning to leave and perhaps isn’t the best time to actually leave.

Put the those blinkers back on that you successfully wore during your quest for a second child and use them to plan.

@Haffiana I will read that thread because this makes a lot of sense He sounds like a good person who will never be able to give you the emotional support and intimacy you need. He will never understand that you need such things or that you feel the lack of them. He won't ever be able to deal with any sadness or emotional crisis that you have. He is speaking the absolute literal truth when he says that he thinks that things are fine as they are if only you would be happy

I do think he is a good person and he is a fantastic dad. I also think he will deny any help with a diagnosis as he was very offended when I suggested in the past, even though as a professional I can see the symptoms are there.