Name changed for this but been here since maybe 2008ish... I'm totally besotted with the guy I'm seeing and want to tell him I love him but something holds me back.
Bit of background:
Was with ExP for 9 years in an abusive and volatile relationship. We have 2 DC age 11 and 5. We split up June 2018. I posted on here in the minutes after an incident with him and the responses I received really helped me to see what I needed to do. He was arrested and charged with rape but they never prosecuted due to lack of evidence. I have been diagnosed with PTSD following my break up with Ex, who put me through some horrendous stuff. I have the "listen up everybody" post from the relationships board taped to my desk at work and on the wall in my bedroom.. I've done the Freedom Programme which helped massively.
In Sept 2018 I met this guy at work who I really clicked with and we were drawn to each other like magnets. We talked all the time and even went out a few times but he wouldn't kiss me or let things go further and in November he admitted it was because he had a girlfriend of about 2 years. He said he had never expected to meet someone he connected with the way we did and he shouldn't have encouraged it but just couldn't seem to stay away from me. He said he didn't think we could continue being friends because he was already being disloyal emotionally and didn't want to do this to her. I was really upset and stopped speaking to him, blocked him on WhatsApp and social media, told him never to call me. I thought that was it and carried on talking to other people, dating etc.
In June he contacted me to say it had taken him a while but he had ended things with his girlfriend. He told me he was sorry for misleading me to begin with and asked if we could be friends now. He said he'd waited until some stuff she was going through was done with and then he had ended it as gently as possible because she's a nice person and didn't deserve someone who wasn't in love with her.
So we started talking again and it was clear the attraction was still there. I went on loads of dates in the time we weren't speaking and I didn't come across anything like this. I was really hesitant at first but I couldn't help being drawn in and we started dating properly at the end of July. He is very opposite to Ex, a very calm and placid man. Doesn't really drink and has no addiction problems which is a huge bonus. He handles my fear and trauma really gently and with so much care. He is affectionate and thoughtful. A few days ago he told me he has fallen for me.. he said that actually he fell for me last year but never told me or even acknowledged it to himself at the time due to the circumstances, but it never went away even when I blocked him. I wanted to say it back but my jaw sort of locked and I eventually ended up thanking him and saying I need more time. He was accepting of this but I think he was a bit sad.
I do want to tell him I love him, because I do feel it, but I get this physical resistance if I try to say it. I don't know if this is part of the Ex trauma or if it's the deception from him.. I feel like I'm seeing red flags everywhere and I'm afraid of being hurt.