How do we fix this

[Feelingindigo]

Married ten years, together for sixteen, two kids. DH had affair before we got married. Worked through it. I had a really bad MH period this time last year and he cheated on me with a colleague. He broke my heart. We nearly split up but made us take a look at our relationship and why it wasn't working. I made decision to stay as I love him.. he made promises that he would change, put me first, be kinder that kind of thing. A big part for him was sex. Due to depression and also relationship problems, basically me feeling unloved am not always in the mood. Now I feel is a vicious circle, o feel unloved and don't want sex, I tell him this, he gets cross , we argue and then he tries it on for cycle to start again.

When we both male an effort, we e enjoy each others company. I feel he often doesnt. Though and thinkS about himself and plans things for himself.

He won't go to counselling and says he doesn't think anything is wrong. Bi don't want to leave If we can fix this. Can we?

So he cheated twice, puts pressure on you to have sex. If he doesn't get sex from you no doubt he will start to look elsewhere and start another affair, sorry OP. I would end things.

You have very different ideas of fixing things, he thinks he doesn’t have any behaviour to correct and therefore you should spread your legs and STFU.

This is who he and if the price of loving him is this cycle of shit then IMHO, the price is too damn high.

I bet your MH would be a lot better if you weren't living with someone who pressures you, puts you down and cheats on you. He must be a master manipulator to cheat and yet have you on the back foot where you're feeling bad about yourself and no fucking him enough. LTB, you are worth so much more.

This sounds very complicated but fundamentally you need to work on yourself.
Forget him for the time.
You focus on you.
What makes you happy.
Feed your soul
If you love reading factor that in your life.
If you have s favourite hobby make sure you do some every week.

Once you are in a good place and feel happier one of 2 things will happen.

Your dh will start to make an effort to meet you at your new level or you'll part BUT. You will be a happier and more fulfilled person and will attract someone in your level.

Depression is hard to live with (and no fun having it - I been in both places)

So get some CBT

Get out in the fresh air.
Drink one cup of orange juice and plenty of water every day.
Exercise.

Good luck

You want to fix it, he just wants more sex. Perhaps it’s time to put yourself first and move on.

He isn't prepared to actually make any changes, he doesn't believe he is the one with the problem.

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

You can't fix this by yourself.

Don't live like this. It's no point pouring your love into this, he doesn't value it or you. He's a serial cheater, you can never trust him. Life is better out. The weight lifts and you can put yourself back together.

In answer to your question, no you cannot fix it if your husband is unwilling to see there is an issue or do anything about it.

What cupotea said

Why would you want to fix this? He clearly doesn't.

So how were you brought up?
What was your parents template?
We're you loved as a child, or did you feel worthless and as though you had to prove your love?
Do you have children?
It is coercive behaviour and it is understandable your MH is not good with the abuse you are putting up with. He is a manipulator and controller, these are abusive traits.
Love yourself more and find someone who loves and respects you.
Read the book by Lundy Bancroft -Why does he do that?
Don't let him grind you down any further.

No. Because his actions clearly show he won't.

Please arrange some counselling for yourself.
Your bar is set very low.
He's overstepped your boundaries at least twice and you have allowed it.
What were the consequences for him having affairs?
Did he have any?
Find out why you don't value yourself.
Why you think this is all you deserve.
A sex pest and a cheat - hell no!!!!