Leaving abusive relationship with minimum conflict

[Forthoveof]

I’m leaving my abusive STBEXP very soon. I’ve got all my ducks in a row and everything is sorted. He doesn’t know and the removal people will arrive on the day I tell him. If I say beforehand I’m terrified he will hurt me or kick me out and I won’t be able to get me and my stuff out safely. I just want to go with the minimum amount of fuss and conflict. Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can say to be the least inflammatory? I was thinking ‘This isn’t working for me and I need to leave’ but what do you think?

I’d like to say ‘Good riddance you nasty shit!’ But I suspect that might cause something of an upset

Is there any chance you can move your things out when he is not there? I’d suggest having someone with you if you are afraid to tell him. If you think he could escalate and be very violent I suggest calling the police and asking for an escort or at least advice

I have a friend I can ask to come over but I don’t want to get the police involved unless it turns nasty. I don’t think it will as I will literally be out within an hour. I never know when he will be in or not as he works ad hoc hours so it’s impossible to time well

When are you leaving? Is everything ok?

Will you be able to get your stuff out before telling him, or is that not realistic? I think it sounds like a good idea to have your friend with you and to say as little as possible. ‘This isn’t working for me and I need to leave’ seems pretty clear. All the best.

There is no way to tell an abusive person you are leaving that they will accept. Abuse is about power and control; by leaving you take away their power over you and that is what causes them to kick off.

Don't waste time searching for the perfect words to appease him.

Can you not leave when he isn't home? That is the only way to guarantee there is no escalation or threat to your safety.

Does he have any regular pattern? How much stuff do you need to take? Is a friend with a self drive van an option so you can be more flexible?

if you only need an hour is there really no way to make sure he isn't there? I had to leave when mine was at the shops.

Can you move precious/sentimental/important stuff in advance?

How are things OP? Are you out safely?

I think it is unwise to poke snakes with sticks. Wait until there are as many witnesses. Your friend, the hefty moving guys, etc. Then tell him. “I am leaving you because you are abusive. Don’t contact me again. If you do, the police will be involved.”

Can’t you do this when he is out of the house?

If he’s abusive I would just take everything and leave.

I knew of a man who was left in this fashion.

My colleague warned me off him before anything happened between us.

I had already picked up a few strange things which I thought of as red flags.

I realised why his ex wife left him like that. He was spiteful and nasty and mean.

I also threatened me when I told him I didn’t want to meet up with him.

She definitely had a reason for leaving him the way she did.

Basically, she pretended everything was fine.

During the day she packed up her stuff and left a note on the bench for when he got back telling him the marriage was over.

Definitely make sure you have ar least one friend there when you move out and if you are scared of him, also consider going to the police and log your concerns. They may he able to advise or be there when you move.