Everyday I feel like I’m failing as a mum!!

[Mum2Girls90]

I need to vent. It’s late. Everyone who I could possibly speak to is busy. I feel overwhelmed right now.
I’m a recent single mum. 2 DD’s 10 & 6.
My youngest is full of defiance, strong willed. She regularly hits, shouts etc, but I try my hardest at positive parenting and not reacting. However, sometimes I slip. Tonight my dd pushed me from the minute she came home from school. “I want this” “I want that” “I don’t care” continues to hit me and just plain ignore me whenever I try to speak to her or ask her to do something.
Tonight I lost it. I smacked her. This isn’t a regular thing but I have done before. The guilt for losing it is so overwhelming I wish the world would swallow me up.
My dad hit me repeatedly growing up, very abusive childhood. I separated from their dad for being the same towards our DD’s and EA.

But I’m no better really am I?
A fucking hypocrite is what I am. Me and my dd did cuddle up, cry and I apologised. I explained I shouldn’t smack her, even when I’m cross. She then went on to talk about her friends at school being mean to her and more guilt just piled on.
I just wish I was more patient with her, she cried that her friends make her feel like a bad person. Me smacking her is hardly building her up either is it?!

I’ve tried my hardest to manage single parenting. Some days are easier than others. I work PT and studying. Their dad has EOW and perhaps an evening he may pop in but adds mostly chaos to the household.
I’m just exhausted. I used to have a lot of family support, not anymore. As a family we’re quite isolated than what we’re used to before. I can’t help but feel like I’m the abusive parent I read about on MN and perhaps deserve the barrage of abuse I’m sure I’ll get once I post this.

My anger has always been a problem, I do have angry outbursts. But smacking my child, I feel like I’m turning in to a monster and I don’t want to be like this.

Kids push the boundaries
Six year olds are quite difficult and they can act like mini teens, especially the girls.

You can’t change her, but you can change the way you react - deep breath walk away, don’t get into a fight with a 6 year old. Let her let of steam and then come back when she’s unloaded. Don’t take it personally - think of it as a professional exchange.

This is my usual go to.
I’ll step out. Try to understand what’s going on for her. I’ve even learnt to detach emotionally just to cope with the noise and chaos of it at times.
But it’s a sinking feeling, like drowning. That yes kids push boundaries, but I’m the adult. I’m angry and disappointed in myself that I couldn’t be that at that time.

See what support you can get from the school. There’s a new programme ‘from timid to tiger’ which lots of schools are offering now. Helps parents of anxious kids and covers exactly this sort of scenario. I’m a single mum too and one of mine is very similar temperament to yours. The course has worked wonders in terms of my responses and situations are de-escalating much faster now. Hugs x

When my children were shouting at me I would leave the room or go and watch tv listen to music and ignore them until they calmed down and started behaving better. I would tell them mommy is fed up of hearing your noise and won't talk to you until you stop behaving like this. It sounds like your daughter might be reacting to her Dad not being around as much and is taking it out on you. I am not saying she is blaming you but my own daughter once said to me if I ever left her father she would have nothing to do with me.

Sounds like DD is acting out because of all the emotions and fears she is dealing with. The bad behaviour is a cry for help. I don't think a 6 year old is capable of saying "mummy I feel sad and scared can I have a cuddle?" But maybe you could start teaching her to be more aware of her feelings and to ask for what she needs to feel better.

Most definitely acting out, but her behaviour is a whirl wind. It’s exhausting. She’s a very kind and caring girl amongst her friends but at home she just pushes me all kinds of ways.
I’m trying to teach her how to assert her needs in a positive way “oh so you’re angry/upset that XYZ”. As I said majority of the time I’m ok but when the slip comes from being totally overwhelmed I just often think my girls deserve so much better than a mum who often can’t cope with angry outbursts.

I’ve identified in my own therapy that her behaviour triggers me (I have PTSD) and the noise is so overwhelming when it’s too loud.
Currently there aren’t any courses in my area for such a thing @outherealone but I will keep an eye out.

No matter the justification, or how guilty you feel, you cannot hit your children. Just like a partner can't hit you. It's even worse when you're a child because you're totally impotent in the situation. You can't leave, you can't hit back. And apologising after is very much like the abusive partner does, hits then says sorry. Then hits again.

If you feel you cannot cope then you need to see your doctor, or speak to social services, but you can never ever raise your hands to your children.

This isn't a one off. You've done it before. You're likely to do it again. So seek help and immediately.

You need to speak to someone about managing your anger better. Walking away is the answer. I understand as I have a young daughter too who I have to say is 10 x harder work than my son was.

Bluntness I think you're overdoing a bit here. It's not illegal to smack a child. Its not considered abuse by SS if done by a hand, moderately, rarely. I know most parents (including me) have a policy of not smacking that we've often had to explain and justify to grandparents but I don't think telling the OP that she's an abusive mother in the cusp of SS involvement is helpful. OP I am also a working single mother to 2 who can be v v difficult. As others have said really the only thing you can do in those moments is remove yourself from them, even if it means abandoning the dinner, laundry, homework finely tuned routine you have going on. Just step away. Tell them why, then give everyone time to take a breath. Its hard to prevent these situations arising because kids are annoying and selfish sometimes and we are tired, stressed and alone.

I recommend the book Playful Parenting as it really helped me to build empathy and decrease frustration levels all round.

Please don't beat yourself up. Yes smacking is wrong but you're only human. I have a no smacking policy but there have been a few times over the years where I smacked them - not hard but I still feel awful. My MIL smacked her kids all the time. It was normal in her culture. All her kids are very happy, successful, well balanced people who adore her. It's not the end of the world. You have some great suggestions above to make sure it doesn't happen again.