Not sure what to do

[thekingfisher]

Well this is an interesting one ....

Dh last night said out for drinks with a couple of colleagues. I happen to use his computer to log into some stuff on the internet at home and it would appear he is meeting an old (female) colleague he worked closely with.

Arrangements made - don't really think anything of it at all. He's known her a long time.

Anyway he pings me at 8 ish and says winding up mentions the other people but not this ex colleague

I'm not expecting him back as he stays away during the week. (I am there for a few days each week) but not there until the next day.

I start to head to bed about 10 ish sitting on sofa but then see a message ping for her saying something like great to catch up quick journey home x.

I send him a text to say goodnight to which he responds agin giving detail about what had been discussed with colleagues etc no mention of this ex colleague.

I meet him tonight- and I asked out right - that he was going to but he said he hadn't met her. But that they'd talked about a job and a few other things on the phone.

I said that I didn't buy and it all just seemed weird that he wouldn't tell me. He holds that he categorically didn't meet her - I ask and he swears on our dc life.

We get home and we start supper he is then sitting next to me on his phone and it dawns on me he's deleting messages. I ask he says he is - funnily hers and possibly others.

I then said ok so you just spoke on phone look at call log and it's a 3 minute call. Clearly not the detailed call he'd suggested.

So I don't have the messages anymore. His laptop hasn't been opened so technically I could switch it on with the WiFi off and possibly see them.

When I write it down it's awful

Sad bump

Sorry Kingfisher....I would be inclined to get the messages from the laptop if you can, and copy them. Then decide what you want to do.

To begin with, i thought... they parted ways at 10, not bad... if he stays by himself if he was doin the wrong it could have lasted a lot longer . Then you told us about the lies when you asked him... the deleted messages.... sorry op....

I've just gone to bed - not really very much space to create here. He is being very defensive and 'cross' that I don't believe him.

I so wish I'd saved the messages but it's iCloud so I think as soon as I try to load up anything it will
Pop off. His laptop is not up to date as I did manage a sneak peek so not even messages from early yesterday are there so even if I tried to get them then switch WiFi I'll not manage to see them before the whole
Lot goes. No other emails. Could be on his work phone but I don't and can't get access to that.
I do know that he was local to his work last night so it is reasonable that he was out just not clear with whom

Managed to see original
Messages. They def met up. Only drinks but Not sure why he lied. Perhaps caught unawares - trapped then by the initial shock of me knowing and asking
Fuck knows. We are 'talking' tonight

I'm sorry OP, but no one deletes innocent messages, he is hiding something.

I know. I have managed and had managed to see the entire conversation and chat history since December and there is nothing untoward whatsoever.

I have (had) no reason to doubt him in anyway in the last 20 years.
He has no restrictions on his devices.
My friend who I've confided in this morning and who knows him well thinks he got spooked when I caught him out with the drinks with her then got stuck into web of lies and covered up the fact that they had met by deleting the messages.

Tbf he was at a bar near his work so they certainly weren't doing anything other than being together

Weird he’s deleting. Possibly he did “just meet her” but there was chat that crossed a line followed up by messages which he felt he needed to delete.

He lied about both planning to meet up with her and then meeting up with her (which it sounds like he did do.) That's not ok. There's no reason he would do that unless he was planning something with her that goes beyond friends eventually, that he didn't want you to know about.

Unless maybe he knew you would not be ok with him seeing her? :/ If so, why would he think that? Do they have a history you know of? Are you jealous of his female friends in general?

This is all very suspicious of course.

None of the above. As I say we both have male and female friends. Often out. Never any jealousy or issue with either of us. No suspicion on her at all
Otherwise, I've met her she is also married etc
They meet up sporadically never an issue

They all swear on their kids lives. He had no pressing reason to contact this female ex colleague of his but did so because he wanted to. Boundaries here are being overstepped.

This suggests emotional affair to me. His lying by omission, minimising and mentionitis are also suggestive of this.

I'm not sure there's anything sinister here (and I'm generally quite cynical and suspicious), there would surely be something in the messages if anything was going on? That said I would want a full and frank explanation of why he lied and the fact that he lied at all would mean he had work to do to regain my trust. Even if it was just a knee jerk reaction to lie about seeing her, why would he react like that? You don't sound jealous or controlling so his reasoning would bother me until he explained properly.

It’s weird OP.

If you was to meet a colleague for drinks, you wouldn’t think twice about lying.

He’s lied because he’s either hiding something or he doesn’t want you to find something out.

Suggests maybe an emotional affair or a guilty conscious to me.

Have you told him you have seen all the messages?

She suggested they meet for a drink not vice versa
Something just doesn't add up whatever that is.
He knows I saw the emails but obvs last night I didn't have the evidence.
He's saying they talked on the phone def didn't meet.
The messages at the end of the evening - say "lovely to see you" x and he says "likewise"
Again nothing unusual in that all friendly similar to other messages.

Nothing I can do until
Tonight now when we need to try to go through it and see if some space has given him time to come clean.

I'll come back on later as have to do some work now

The first thing that came to mind is that he once had an affair with her, but that it's over now. He's defensive now because he's carrying the guilt still.