I’m hoping someone can help me see the wood for the trees. I’m really struggling in my relationship and it consumes my thoughts so I’m at a loss as to what to do or understanding whether things are actually that bad, or if I’m making it all out to be worse than it really is.
DP and I have been together for 12 years and have 2 children.
Our relationship has been bad more than it has good. I’m at a point now where I am seriously considering calling it a day, but with children to consider I’m finding it hard to know what’s best.
I am the higher earner (marginally) and I am paying most of the bills. To put it into context I pay the rent, council tax, sky, utilities, my phone, all food shopping, top ups for DS1’s lunch account, hair cuts for the kids, clothes when they need them and I’m also paying half of DS2’s nursery fees. DP pays for the internet, water, Netflix, DS1’s football subs and phone bills for him and DS1. He also pays half of DS2’s nursery bill which he transfers to me. I usually have to ask two or three times every month for him to actually pay it. He has personal debts, not sure what he’s paying off those.
I am in debt which I am also paying off myself. These total around £300 a month. These are debts run up because I’ve struggled to make ends meet.
I have broached this subject on numerous occasions. By my calculations he should have around £400 a month spare, of which I don’t see a penny nor do I know what it’s spent on. I have maybe £50 a month spare cash to do what I want with, sometimes absolutely nothing hence the debts.
In addition to the financial inequality, there is no intimacy. We haven’t had sex for two and a half years. We do not cuddle. We go to bed separately every night. Any kisses are quick pecks on the lips as we say hello or goodbye.
He is moody, detached from family life for the most part and I feel so lonely.
I do most of the housework, all of the food shopping and I cook pretty much every night. I am up early every single day for work. I get the kids sorted, I also get up with them every weekend. He will only get up early when there’s football for DS1. He is also the manager of the team and therefore out on football duties 3, sometimes 4 times a week.
He is a good dad for the most part. He adores the boys and they adore him. I just feel at such a loss as to what to do. He refuses to contribute any more financially. The intimacy issue is the elephant in the room and I don’t even bother bringing it up anymore. Years of rejection and refusal to believe it’s a problem have left me thinking there is absolutely no way back from here.
I cry almost every day. At work nobody would ever know there’s anything wrong. I confided to my mum about how I feel and she thinks I’ve given more than enough over the years and that I need to do what makes me happy. The trouble is I don’t know what that is anymore. Breaking his heart and splitting up my family wouldn’t make me happy. Similarly, I can’t imagine being in this situation 5 more years from now. I’ll be almost 40 and if nothing has improved in the last 12 years, why would they now?
Writing it all down like this makes me realise what a doormat I’ve been. I guess what I’m asking is where do I go from here? Can I simply just tell him I do not want to be in a relationship like this any more? I feel like I’m not even the same person anymore and I don’t want my sons growing up thinking such an unequal, distant relationship is normal.
I could go on and on and on but it’s so overwhelming.
If you’ve managed to read this all, thank you.