I have another post at the moment because i am trying to leave my husband, where marriage doesn't work because of drink pot and his spending etc. I wanted to start this one separate because i am such a mess and making such a hash up of everything.
My brother dropped dead at 42, we never found out why, a year later my dad died of a heart attack, followed by another relative becoming very ill with cancer. This all changed me bit by bit i started drinking heavily at first after my brother died but became close to a married man and pretty much had an emotional affair with him on and off for 10 months. He is super sensible stopped me drinking, talked a lot of sense to me then said he loves his wife and kindly backed away. so i cut down drinking, when he went another man started to chase me and in may i started flirting and chating on snapchat with him. I originally ignored him because i knew he was married. But i think i missed man no.1 so much i started talking to him to fill what was missing in my relationship and i know it was wrong, he told me i was one of a few women he messaged and i still did it. 5 months later his wife found out, threw him out. apparently she downloaded his snapchat history on icloud. So i didnt see him for 2 months then he came to see me, re added me on snap chat and FB, then told me who he has been sleeping with and then told me not to message, snap or chat to him ..i asked why he bothered re adding me he didn't reply only to say she is still reading his messages and that he will come and see me soon. The other thing is there are men contacting me all the time, I am 42 and they are 23, 26, my age..and i chat to all of them... i really think there is something wrong with me. I let this last guy do what he wanted and then drop me, and I think my entire village knows, not sure if husband does yet. My friends think i need some counselling.. I know that every decision i make is a bad one but i still do it and i am hurting myself more every time because i just feel cheap and nasty. I know leaving the marriage is the right thing because it is partly because of that i am how i am, but i worry so much that i am ruining my kids lives. I have no self belief at the moment and the male attention that used to make me feel better has made me feel worse but I don't know what to do without it because i feel so lost. I bet I sound completely pathetic, i feel like I need a constant distraction to stop me thinking about all the really awful stuff that has happened and is still happening.