I feel so guilty all the time

[britishbluebelle]

I think I’m going mad with guilt eating away at me. DP and I are happy at the moment, but I can’t get the thought out of my head that if he knew the ‘real me’ it would be like a shroud being thrown away, and he’d be disgusted. I have tried to be better and have been but last year when we were going through a rocky patch I really said some nasty things about him to my mum and sister, he was none the wiser and still isn’t. I also made MN threads looking for advice on how to leave etc when he was blithely unaware in the other room. I can’t help but feel like everything is false and then if he saw a video compilation of all the nasty things I’d ever said he’d be aghast. I’m trying to focus on being a nice person going forward but I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a nasty two faced cow - can anyone relate to this? It’s not even as if I can discuss with DP as I can hardly say, ‘I was mean about you last year...’

Words are wind. Pretty sure everyone in a relationship ever has let off steam to family saying "OMG he's getting on my last nerve because of..."

The way you phrased your OP is striking - as if you feel like deep down you are a ruined person and you are terrified of anyone finding this out. Have you ever explored these feelings with a therapist?

(I used to feel very similar due to the sexual and emotional abuse I suffered as a child. It took a lot of work but these days I love the person I am and no longer struggle to hide my "real self" from anyone.)

If you were actually nasty then you wouldn’t care about any of this!

The problem is deeper than having a moan about your Dp behind his back.
For me, my feelings of worthlessness stem from my childhood. Has anything happened in your past that made you feel powerless or unworthy of love?

You have my sympathies, it really is a horrible feeling

Hang on, why did you want advice on how to leave?

Unless it was purely out of a desire to inflict pain or control someone, wanting to leave a relationship isn't nasty. Even if you subsequently change your mind.

Seeking support from friends or family when you're having a tough time also isn't nasty.

Where have you got the idea you're nasty from?

There were reasons you said and did the things you said and did.

Have you ever been abusive to him?
If not, I don't think you need to feel guilty.

Well it depends what you said

If you said or hinted he is abusive when you knew and know full well he isnt, then thata a shitty thing to do and I think he deserves to know.

If its 'dickhead didnr do the washing up again', I think thata nothing really.

I am very anxious at the moment as I feel totally and utterly worthless.

@FuriousVexation @Houseworkavoider childhood was OK but I had a really tough time from about 16 onwards. Me and my sister lived alone and I fell out with most of my friends so had an awful, deep loneliness that I took to uni with me, where I drank way too much and slept with loads of ugly idiots and had real MH problems. I look back on it as a real awful time of vulnerability and wish somebody had just told me to go to therapy, stop drinking, have a cup of tea and read a book, instead of all this stupid behaviour. Instead I ended up being raped aged 19 by a man in his thirties - however this was not experienced by me as a trauma at the time, was v much shoved to the back of my mind. I met now DP only one year later when I was still a mess, frankly. About a month into meeting him I then was raped again, this time by a ‘friend’, I completely dissociated from it and it was awful. Never told DP as feared he would look upon it as cheating. For some reason and I really don’t know what’s triggered it (probably a lot to do with realising that rape isn’t limited to strange men jumping out of an alley at night) for this whole year I’ve just been an emotional mess with severe anxiety and a sense that I’m going to be ‘found out’ - one min I think yes how awful it all was you’ve nothing to be ashamed of etc, the next I think am I just excusing bad behaviour? I just feel like skeletons are falling out of my closet. I’ve also been crying each time DP a I have sex, which is a bit out of the blue. I can hardly say, sorry I’m thinking back to things that happened years ago..

I'm so sorry that you were forced to go through those awful things

Being an abuse survivor makes us do all sorts of things to cope, that later we look back and wish we'd done things differently, but it's perfectly normal.

I can't help thinking that you may have PTSD from the sound of it? If you do an online mental health referral and describe to the HCP who will then get in touch how you feel, you can access councelling and EMDR therapy on the NHS.

Also if you contact your local Rape and Sexual Abuse charity you can ask for specialist councelling to do with the specific events you've described. They may also have a support lined you can call to talk to someone.

Please don't feel ashamed or worthless, you are not! You can ask for help and you can feel better.

I finally asked for help for the effects of childhood abuse and then rape as an adult, more than 40 years after the events took place.

It's been hard work sometimes, but my life is so much happier now I've talked everything through, got it all out into the open, had therapy and faced what happened.

But do seek help and find a councellor and tell them everything about the past. Its amazing how much better just telling someone, can make you feel.