DM drinking herself to death, I'm terrified

[Yumei]

My DM is drinking herself into an early grave, she has reluctantly sought help before but then sacked it off so it is a constant cycle of a being week dry then back off wagon again.

Falls, bad injuries, disputes with her neighbours, not eating properly and losing weight, turning her phone off and going awol so I worry sick. Shes so selfish and I'm exhausted.

I have two young babies, health problems and my DH has just been made redundant so we have alot of stress at the moment. I don't have the mental space for her drama any more but can't seem to detatch with love, she's vulnerable and I worry myself sick about her. I'm just waiting for the call to tell me she's passed away

Aside going to the meetings for relatives of alcoholics which I'm unable to attend, what can I do to help alleviate the all consuming worry and feeling of impending doom about her downward spiral?

She's beyond help. I've tried.

''Aside going to the meetings for relatives of alcoholics which I'm unable to attend, what can I do to help alleviate the all consuming worry and feeling of impending doom about her downward spiral?'

Meds

And/or counselling, I suppose.

Could you contact social services and ask for an assessment for her? They might catch her on a bad enough day that her problems are really obvious. Worth a go.

Thank you for replying :)

I'm already on beta blockers for the stress and anxiety which she has massively contributed too.

Coincidentally social services have recently been made aware of her by the police who were called out after she was assaulted, for shouting abuse in a drunken state. I hope they can help.

No idea when/if I will hear from them though.

So sorry, absolute hellish situation. I’d find someone to talk to if I was you. You know there’s nothing you can do, it’s not your fault or your responsibility but I bet that’s not how it feels to you.

Does she live alone? She might be classed as a vulnerable adult because of her alcoholism. Does she have capacity to make decisions for herself?
Do you have any other family members you can share the burden of worry with?
I, too, would contact social services, and probably her GP practice, and tell them of your concerns. Maybe with support from the community alcohol team she could stop the cycle of binge drinking. Has she ever had any counselling to address the underlying trigger for her self-medicating with alcohol?

BUT you have to put yourself and your children first - let the experts help your mum. I hope your DH finds another job soon and the stress you are under eases.

GP is aware of her drinking and has previously prescribed a medication like antabuse but she stopped taking it, she's also had support from a community alcohol and substance abuse service and canned that off too.

The burden of supporting her is split between me and my aunt and it has strained our once close relationship.

She has capacity but only just, she has learning difficulties which complicates things because whilst she's lucid enough to live independently, she's socially and intellectually impaired enough to be considered vulnerable.

I have gotten her counselling before but she attended two sessions and didn't go back because she said he was confusing her and just repeating himself.

Everything I could do I have done

I will chase up the social services report tomorrow

She does live alone yes

I seem to spend my life going back and forth from her place to make sure she's not dead, I can't sustain the toll it's taking on me at the moment as I'm recovering from a serious illness and am stretched from that, looking after a toddler and young baby and supporting DH through his redundancy worries. It's all too much

Why can't you go to the Al-Anon meetings? There's nothing you can do for your mother but you must prioritise time for some sort of therapeutic activity for yourself. So sorry you are going through this.

I’m so sorry. I went through this. Mine did drink herself to death, over a period of just two or three years. I was early twenties when she died and it was very hard.

As harsh as it sounds, you can’t prevent what’s gonna happen from happening. Have whatever relationship with her you can handle, whether that’s being close and accepting you can’t control her or maintaining some distance if it’s too painful to witness. And focus on your own life, by all means attend al-anon if it helps you to focus on your own wellbeing. It’s really tough, but I went through your worst fear and I survived and coped and moved on and although I miss her so very much, i’m okay and it’s okay. Life moves forward. Don’t trash your own sanity over her drinking, it won’t change a thing.

What can you do? Accept that you can’t fix her or her drinking. Not being able to fix her or her drinking isn’t a poor reflection on you just the sad reality that it is her decision.

Don’t pay the price for something you didn’t choose and can’t change.

Attending AlAnon meetings should be a priority and it would be, if you valued your emotional well-being as much as you value your mother’s physical well-being.

Everything I could do I have done

Unfortunately, this is your answer. You can't fix her and you can't do anymore. The most difficult thing any of us can do is to let go. You aren't her saviour and can never be, no matter how hard you try. Only she can turn this around. At this point, your own wellbeing has to be your first priority.

Really sorry your going through this. I loved with my dad who had an alcoholic partner when I was a child through to adulthood and the one thing I learned was people with addict will only get help when they are ready to. I use to stress myself out something rotten trying to be the perfect step daughter and make everything a stress free environment in the hope she would decide to stop drinking but she only did it when she was ready.

You sound like you have a lot on your plate and although she is your mother you need to concentrate on your family because they need you. Your mum is an adult who makes her own choices to love her life how she does and you can’t change that. By all means support her when she decides to get the help but at the minute with everything you’ve got going on you need to concentrate on your family.

Hope you’re okay

Can you have her committed?
That is the only thing I can think of otherwise you have to try to let go as there isn't anything you can do.

They will do what they do, and you'll end up destroying yourself to try to save her.

Al Anon do have a helpline, so maybe you could just speak to them for a bit of support?

I think you might have to accept that yes, she is going to kill herself this way, and stop chasing round to check on her so often. Because one of these days she is going to be dead, and you going over/not going over isn't going to make a difference. Maybe just go once a week.

The alcohol issue is not the same as a psychotic episode. No psychiatrist would section an alcoholic. Difficult to assess someone who is under the influence of substance which is why caring for alcoholics etc is so hard.
A GP cant do it and a member of the family cant get someone sectioned because they are a nuisance.
There is very little to be done because although when drunk this woman is in a poor mental state when sober, she is lucid.
Crisis intervention detox beds are available if you contact local alcohol drugs services but a person cannot be forced to do it

I have been where you are, with the difference that my mum was overseas. She turned to drink when my dad was diagnosed with dementia and spiralled after he died. My dsis and I were utterly powerless. We contacted social services and she got a care package, we made sure the police learned she was driving drunk and without a license, we contacted her GP. But until the end, she had capacity so we could do nothing. Eventually she developed Korsakoff's dementia and we finally got the process of getting her sectioned going. She died 3 days before the assessment, fell down the stairs in her home because she was getting more booze.

All we could do in the end was look after our own wellbeing. I advise you to do the same. Get all the support you can for yourself because you can't help her.

As AgentJohnson rightly stated in her reply, "Don’t pay the price for something you didn’t choose and can’t change".

You are fighting a losing battle re your mother here. You have to let go and detach with love because its the only way forward for you. You (and in turn your own family) will continue to be dragged down by her otherwise.

You need to look after your own self along with your own family unit and you can only help your own self ultimately. There is nothing at all you can do for your mother; her primary relationship is with alcohol and you will not ever change that. Its her number 1 priority and her thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from. You cannot rescue and or save someone who ultimately does not want to be rescued and or saved.

Do consider calling Al-anon via the phone; their helpline is confidential and they are very good at helping family members and other people affected by alcoholism.