Approaching the police regarding abuse

[Darkness369]

My ex and I split up months ago. We are still having to live together as he refuses to leave and given I've been a SAHM for years I just have nowhere to go with the kids, nor can afford it.

He's always been controlling but this has got worse since we split. He now regularly swears, belittles me and shouts at me, and I am depressed and just can't take it any more. We've completed mediation, he's intent on staying in the family home and forcing me out so refused any offers I made. Next will be court and that will take months. I've already lived with this constant criticism for years, plus some degree of financial control.

I want to go to the police but I am terrified. Mostly of what he'll do, but also of not being believed as it's always been coercive control and emotional so I have no actual physical proof. I'm scared because I know he'll use the depression to claim I'm unstable and will accuse me of being a dreadful mother (I'm not!). I don't want my kids being taken away. This situation is unbearable.

I think I just need some reassurance from someone who's been through similar

OK so is this house rented/council or private or mortgaged?

It's mortgaged. He also owns a buy to let. Both in his name.

If you do, you need to use "coercive control" in your opening line when you call them to make sure they understand immediately why you're calling and how they ought to respond.

When you're anxious and upset it can be really difficult to clearly put across with examples etc in a way where the call handler will necessarily recognise the pattern of coercive control rather than fixating on one thing you said and dismissing you as someone who called the police over a single minor argument. (Clearly that is not the case, but it's making sure the person you're speaking to understands when you can't write it all out and will probably be distressed by the nature of the phonecall.)

So just say "I need to report coercive control" . Then go from there. Don't try to give them everything over the phone. It should be basic details, making sure you're safe, and arranging follow up.

Expect them to risk assess to make sure you're safe. If they dont, I would be concerned they're not responding properly and you might need to ask why they haven't and what they're going to do next.

I ended up with an IDVA after the police got involved. Sounds like the kind of person that could help you, but I'm not that clear on referral criteria if I'm honest.

A conversation with Women's Aid might help you be clear in your mind what you might expect, what they can do, what you hope to achieve.

Have you done the Freedom Programme? It might also help you cope with things, and find the ways you need to describe his abuse to other people so that they can understand it's not about him swearing at you on tuesday, it's about the pattern of his behaviour and the impact it has. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

You're doing well. Keep going.

As awful as it sounds, the police see these sort of situations a lot, so they are used to people trying to make out the reporting party is to blame. They see through things and they know when a victim is genuine. They have Domestic Abuse departments who are well versed in coercive control and know the signs and understand the impact. You may not see someone from there initially but you will be referred to them once you have made your report.

If you are comfortable reporting it, ring the non emergency number and give an overview and timeline of events roughly. A good officer when obtaining full details will then talk you through it from the beginning to build up the whole picture, but if it's been a lot of things for a number of years, it may help you to make some notes so you don't forget things. They understand that all the little things add up. When you ring, explain you still live together so you may need to be prescriptive on times that you can see an officer so as not to cause yourself any issues. Best of luck brave lady.

I'm scared because I know he'll use the depression to claim I'm unstable and will accuse me of being a dreadful mother (I'm not!).

Oh, and I know you're not. Professionals will too. This threat is from the abuser textbook. He's trying to keep control of you by frightening you into silence and submission.

The fact you're trying to protect yourself and the children from an abuser is a positive thing. Nobody is going to take your children away for that, not because of abuser's malicious threats.

Once you're free of him, and have had time, support and space to heal from the abuse that depression will improve enormously.

I'm case you're not convinced about how predictable he is being, I expect you will recognise him in parts of this clip (I imagine he won't have tried every single trick, I hope, but it may help you brace against him to see him for what he is): m.youtube.com/watch?v=d5NHBn5p9vY

Are you married?

Thanks for all your replies. PennysPocket - no we are not. I'm aware that puts me at an enormous disadvantage. It makes me furious that there is such a big discrepancy between married and unmarried couples when it comes to separation. He refused to get married, his parents had a messy divorce. Yes I should have held my ground. I tried to leave him once after it became clear he didn't want to get married, but he refused to split up and convinced me to stay.

Needsomebottle - thank you, that's quite reassuring and has raised my confidence a bit.

Kat - I watched the video. He's not exactly like that, it's more gaslightling, he tells me I won't be able to cope on my own, or brings up stuff I said in the heat of the moment years ago. You're bang on with the frightening me into silence bit.