Wondering if it's me?

[onemoresmartie]

Hi everyone

I have been dating someone since the beginning of August been on loads of dates, went to London for the day, he's stayed over at my house etc been out for some nice meals

He went on holiday for a week with a friend and since he went and he's been back I don't feel he's been putting much effort in or at least not like what he was

Almost feels like he's gone off me but we met yesterday for lunch he came to my place of work and met me for an hour and when he left me I said hopefully we can start seeing each other a bit more and he said 'yes we are in a relationship aren't we?'

I replied umm I don't think we are at that point yet ( I only see him sometimes a couple of hours in a week ) I don't call that a relationship

I'm all over the place, he's making little to no effort overall and he's due to come over to my house tomorrow night and bringing dinner

I don't know what to do but feel like the expectation is there to sleep with him and it's starting to make me feel like an escort/once a week shag/sleepover

Sorry if that's a ramble 🤦🏼‍♀️

Go with your gut feeling.
It doesn't sound like a relationship.
Are you sure it was a friend he went on holiday with?
Have you met his friends and been to his house?

He's living with his dad at the minute so I haven't been to his place and I haven't met any of his friends but he talks about them a lot.

I don't want to be suspicious because I already struggle to believe anything a man says because of my previous relationships. He hasn't got any kids and when I've joked in the past about him having a secret wife and kids hidden away I've realised how ridiculous it sounds.

Hmm. Yeah right.
Are you friends with him on social media?
Did you see photos of the holiday?

I would suggest a meet up tonight away from your house.
Don't allow him to sleep over.
You are already feeling used and that's not good.
See if he is OK with that.
If not then you know you are just a booty call and you can end it.
In the meantime I'd just cool things right off. Like he is doing.
No 'relationship' is worth this angst so early on.
It should be the honeymoon period with hearts and flowers. Not THIS!

I think he's gone cold because I said no to being in a relationship....I haven't heard from him this morning
If it gets to mid afternoon would I be unreasonable to cancel tonight?
Minimal effort has just put me right off him

He was consistent in the beginning now it's like he can't be bothered to even check in 🙄

Honestly you sound like hard work. For a couple of months in he seems to be making plenty of effort, taking you out, bringing dinner etc. Guys who are in it just for sex don't do that.

Yes, it’s you.

You’re complaining that this bloke isn’t making enough effort and then when he suggests you’re in a relationship you say that you’re not? What exactly is it you want?

I would wait until 3-ish and just send a message..
'I haven't heard from you so am assuming tonight is not longer happening. I will make other plans. Have a good evening'
Leave it at that. See if he responds.

He may be thinking that you're the one who's not interested; he suggested you were in a relationship and you said 'No', Did you explain why you feel like that?

Arrange to meet somewhere neutral; a restaurant or somewhere and have an honest chat about your feelings.

Do you WANT more from him? Or is it you that's getting cold feet? I think you're sending mixed messages to be honest.

I replied umm I don't think we are at that point yet ( I only see him sometimes a couple of hours in a week ) I don't call that a relationship
Neither do I OP.
He's not making the effort since his holiday.
Something happened.
That's OK because you were not in a committed relationship.
I'd move on from him TBH.

I’d make sure it really is his dad he’s living with before moving forward, especially as you’ve met none of his friends.

hellsbellsmelons is spot on with that excellent message and timing. I'd go with that!

Honestly OP,
I wouldn't call that a relationship either!! he's gone cold and is really putting in minimal effort- go with your gut here - disengage from him, and find someone who actually puts effort in!!!

hope you have a lovely evening making your own plans!! is there a film or something you fancy watching? or a friend you could meet up with?

He's just sent me a message now, he's not well and has a fever so said it's best he doesn't stay over tonight but will still bring dinner round

Think I will have a chat with him and just get it all off my chest

I think I may be a bit hard work to be fair 🤦🏼‍♀️

Sorry, I'd actually postpone until he's better; if it's a virus, you don't want to catch it too.

Say you hope he feels better and maybe meet up at the weekend?

Yeah I said shall we leave it if he isn't feeling good and he said yes and said he wants to see me on Saturday.....no mention of a date as in go out tho I think the expectation is to come round to mine and probably stay over

How do I say in a nice way......take me out! Haha

Just say you'll probably both have cabin fever by then so looking forward to a trip out somewhere. Good luck, hope it works out.

Thanks
I think I am due some good luck 🙂

OP I really feel for you. In the last year I’ve dated two guys like this who have blown hot and then cold constantly, not really made much effort and generally just made me feel anxious about what’s going on all the time. I too started to think it must be something I’m doing wrong to put these guys off when they’ve been so keen initially.
A few months ago I met a lovely guy who has done none of the love bombing or big declarations of love but he is consistently there, calls me at least once a day when he has the chance and just generally treats me with the utmost care and respect. I’m ashamed to say I’ve questioned it occasionally as there’s not the huge grand gestures and butterfly feeling I’ve had previously but actually I’ve now realised that was just anxiety around the situations I was in. I now feel totally relaxed and content and that’s what a relationship is meant to be!

So following on from this hes liking other girls photographs and commenting 🔥

Do I tell him I'm not happy with this or just delete him as this is a real deal breaker for me?

I've woke up with an anxious feeling and promised myself after my ex made me feel like this it's something I won't allow

Even been bloody crying in my car on way back from school run

Do I tell him I'm not happy with this or just delete him as this is a real deal breaker for me?
BOTH!
Message him that you aren't happy in this relationship any more. You don't want to see him again. Then block and delete him.
Job done.

Keep that promise to yourself. No 'man' is worth this and you know it. Cut your losses and dump!!!

Oh please dump OP. You can do better. That is not on.

Haven't heard from him all day apart from his token morning text 🙄
We had planned for him to come over this evening

Do I take it that he isn't coming or wtf