Should I end it?

[Donatello68]

I was in an abusive relationship for 20 years and got divorced a few years ago. I have two teenage children.

A year ago, I met a lovely man and we have been going out together ever since. He is such a great bloke, I love him to bits. He is 15 years older than me... I don’t know if that has any bearing on things..

We have talked about buying a house together and getting married. However, he can’t stop going on about his ex’s. He is still friends with their friends and family on FB and, until v recently, talked about them all the time. He has constantly lied about his previous relationships and as I have suspected that he has been lying, I have snooped and found loads of things that contradict his stories. Once faced with this, he does change his story... again!

The important thing is that I have never been suspicious in a relationship before and never snooped on a partner!! I am not jealous of the ex’s but, just don’t know why he is lying about something that doesn’t matter. It makes me wonder what else he is lying about and what I can believe!! I am a very honest person and as long as someone tells me the truth, I am fine!

We had a huge row about this before our holiday and I was going to end our relationship. He said that he was planning to propose on holiday (I would like to get married again). Anyway, the day of the proposal, he was in a foul mood and was so rude to me and anyone else that we met. He insisted that we went on a cable car (I hate heights). He did ask me to marry him in a church. I was incredibly surprised and asked if he was only asking because of the row... he didn’t answer. It hasn’t really been mentioned since. He did say once when we got back that he would like to get me a ring and suggested a budget.

We do get on really well and have the same sense of humour and interests.

My feeling now is that I really have to accept that this is just ‘friends with benefits’ and if I want to get married, I need to find someone else...

He has been divorced a long time and one of his ex relationships was with a woman who he had a 10 year on and off relationship with who wanted to get married and he finished with her over financial matters. She has since married someone else. Another was with him for 4 years and it came out that she had had loads of affairs..

Should I finish it and see if I can find someone else. Could we just stay as friends with benefits?

After such a long abusive relationship, I feel a bit lost...

If it was me....yeah I'd be off

Sounds like an absolute dick

You deserve better

I would end it, yes.

Whatever you do, don't marry him! So, it's not going anywhere and is effectively over- end it. I also wouldn't want him as a FWB- he''s too much of a moody handful. Sex is easy to get without having to get it from someone like that.

• However, he can’t stop going on about his ex’s
• He has constantly lied about his previous relationships
• I have snooped and found loads of things that contradict his stories
• just don’t know why he is lying about something that doesn’t matter
• if he was only asking because of the row... he didn’t answer
• that this is just ‘friends with benefits’
• he had a 10 year on and off relationship
• the day of the proposal, he was in a foul mood and was so rude to me and anyone else

That last one there, is a huge red flag OP.

He's 15 years older than you? Wow - he sounds like an immature prick to be honest.
Do you want to live the next 20-30 years with a liar who you don't trust?

Did you get proper support after the end of your 20 year abusive relationship.
Did you get some specialist counselling?
Do the Womens Aid Freedom Programme?
Do some work on yourself and your self-esteem?

This guy has targeted you.
You can tell from his past relationships he's an asshole and a commitment phobe.
Please cut your losses.
This one is not for you.
Throw him back and find a better one!

In answer to your question, yes you should.

Good grief! whatever makes you think this awful man is worth all this angst, let alone marriage!

Finish it.

Do not be friends with benefits. Apart from anything else his own relationship history is appalling which is a red flag in itself.

Like hells bells I also think you were targeted by this individual, who is really an abuser of a different stripe but abusive all the same. Being abused previously would have messed with your boundaries and he knows that too.

Would also second the recommendation to enrol yourself onto the freedom programme run by Women’s aid. Your children need a better man for a stepfather, this one is no good at all.

Seems like he is very damaged, and you need someone who can pick you up not push you down. Friends with benefit will only hurt you in the long run. You need a secure relation.

If he's spewing out lie after lie, it comes naturally to him and you'll never trust his word.

Thank you very much Hellsbells and all..
You are right, I didn’t receive counselling after the divorce and I can now see that it is a frying pan, fire situation. I feel relieved by your comments as I thought that something was wrong but, thought that I was overthinking/imagining it.

To be honest, his last ex was about to move out (I later discovered) when he asked me out. I have always suspected that I could have been anyone. He just doesn’t want to be on his own.

I hadn’t heard of the Freedom Program but, I will definitely enrol now. I feel a bit stupid now. I can’t believe how naive I was. I try and look for the best in people. Lesson learned.. the hard way!

End it!
I prefer a new partner to say decent things about an ex/their family - I immediately become suspicious if they bad mouth or hate all their exes so that part wouldn't have struck me as strange. That said I'd be amazed if someone was friends or had only good things to say about every ex (we all encounter 1 or 2 arseholes at some point)
The lying I would not accept at all. Nor the unpleasant rude behaviour.
Please don't feel stupid. We all want to see the best in people, we're human.
Do look into the Freedom programme.

You are allowed to feel a bit stupid but it doesn't make you stupid OP.
You were abused for 20 years.
None of that was your fault - AT ALL!
You are a decent human being and want to see the good people. Again, nothing wrong with that.
I really hope the Freedom Programme helps you.
Good luck!

Here: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Thank you everyone... you have been a huge help!! Feeling massively relieved and positive!!

Just an update... I spoke to a mutual friend who told me that this bloke had told everyone that he wasn’t sure about me because of the age gap and as far as he was concerned, it was just a bit of fun.

Humiliated doesn’t really cover it. I feel sick, used and stupid...

Don’t feel that way, the age gap is irrelevant. The fact that he is enormously dishonest and untrustworthy is far more important. You’ll have a lucky escape.

Well, you can tell everyone "bullet dodged".

Seriously, you need to do a bit of work on yourself and do the freedom programme, as reading this, you had this big old list of his lies and head-fuckery, yet it seemed like you were going to overlook it all for a proposal. Why would you consider marrying someone like this? Just because he asked?! You gotta raise the bar higher.