Rage and grief

[BobbyDazzler99]

I posted this in bereavement but am reposting here for traffic.

Dh'a mother diagnosed with cancer of liver, lung and brain. Terrible shock.

She was initially given six weeks to live. Now they think a year.

Dh adores his parents. He's very upset. Also we've just moved country and he has started a new job. An awful lot on.

He goes back to UK whenever he can to see her. A good thing.

However, dh has always been a person very quick to anger. Quite unpleasant to live with tbh.

With all the stress he's under, his temper is even worse and swearing an awful lot too at me and the dcs. We are all waiting for the next rage. And boy, does he rage.

Of course I cannot counter this because his mother is dying and I'm not being supportive if I ask him to pipe down.

It's so hard on the dcs. They either tiptoe around him or eventually get hacked off with him.

How can I manage this? It's true to say I don't want to go near him because his behaviour is frankly foul at times.

When his mother dies, I think he will totally lose the plot. I'm scared. I fear he has carte blanche because of this pain he has.

I'm very fortunate to still have my parents but this is thrown at me because they are elderly and his mother is 67.

What can I do? How do I be supportive to someone like this? The slightest discontent from the children triggers anger.

💐For you x

I'm sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine how hard it is for you.
All I can suggest is, (and I'm sure your husband won't like the idea,) counselling or CBT.
Good luck to you. Wish you all the best at this difficult time x

So sorry to hear about your lovely MiL being so poorly.:(

My dad was like this- he didn't even really need a reason.

I think you have to say in front of the kids at every point that this is not ok- you could tell him once in private to give him chance to change maybe. 'I know you're really upset but you can't take it out on me or the children. If you do it to them again, I will have to say in front of them that it is not ok, as I don't want them to think it's fine for people to treat them like that, and I don't want them to feel that I won't stand up for them. People end up resenting their mothers in later life if they let things like this happen to them. You also risk them disliking you.

You could say to him 'I know how things are with your mum is really difficult for you, she's so lovely. Perhaps you could see someone to help support you through it? It's not ok for you to take it out on me or the kids. Having some other support might help you not do this and would be helpful for all of us including the children.'

If he continues to shout at the kids, you could say in front of them 'I know you're upset about things, but taking it out on me and the children is not ok.' One of the things from my childhood is my mum witnessed the behaviour and just let it happen. Your DCs will appreciate you standing up for them- you should also stand up for yourself.

Hope this helps. Hugs xxxxx

Accepting his rages is giving him carte blanche to continue. He is not a child and there is NO excuse for losing his temper in front of you and the children! This behaviour must stop. The thought of your children having to tip toe around is heartbreaking
I lost my beloved dad recently and often feel I want to rage at the world but I do not take it out on my family.
He must get help urgently, anger management etc or things could get seriously worse. If he won't listen to you does he have a close friend or relative who he would listen to?

I have tried to step in and reason with him. It doesn't work.

Since we heard about mil's illness, he has become even more vicious verbally.

Moving abroad was supposed to be a great adventure for us all. But the first few weeks have been a nightmare.

The dcs have been great. Really getting on with it.

We came because dh had a great job offer. I've not got work.

I feel like we should separate. To protect the dcs. But then he's losing his mum. And I'm being unreasonable because of that.

He says I'm a cold mean mother which I find amazing when he's swearing foully at the children.

It's like he has all the power and he can do what he wants and behave how he wants.

Money is very tight at the moment which is an additional stress.

Losing his mum is terrible but you can't do anything about that what you can do is protect yourself and your children. If you leave do you have somewhere safe to go? Do you have friends near to talk to? Otherwise check local services for advice and support. Please get help as soon as possible

If you suggested jacking in the job and moving back to the UK would he be up for that? Might be good to sell as him being closer to his mum.
You could then move back earlier to help prepare the move, find a job etc.

Even if he wanted to stay I'd consider moving back anyway. You've only been there a few weeks, not months, so the kids' place of habitual residence is the UK still?
If you stay on for months and then want to go back to the UK it might no longer be possible without his permission, as their place of habitual residence will by then be the new country.

When my exh's mum died, he started an affair (apparently not uncommon at all). It can be a time when people not only act out of character due to unhappiness but also do things they wouldn't normally do because everything else apart from their loved one seems so unimportant that they feel it all doesn't really matter. Or they realise what changes they want to make.

He doesn't get a free pass to act like a cunt because his mother is dying. I'd leave him as he sounds vile. Your poor children having to tip toe around his moods and abuse.

Oh and my mum did leave him in the end, but she should've left far earlier. He does sound abusive.

When my ex partner lost his mum, it took about a year for him to stop being a wanker and taking it out on me etc. We split up in the end, but for other reasons.

It sounds like your hubby already had a tendency to do this though. He does sound abusive.

How about if you said 'You need to stop doing this- if you can't stop you need to get counselling or meds. Otherwise I'm going to have to leave for the kid's sake.' ? I'm not an expert when it comes to breaking up with someone as nasty as this, so please take the other's advice on board if someone makes suggestions.

Hugs and best wishes xxxxx

Leave. He's vile to you anyway. Use this as your chance to get out. Don't worry what others think of you or what he calls you. They are not relevant and are not experiencing what you are. Look after yourself and your DC and get out ASAP.

Just be careful if you do threaten to leave him if he doesn't get help that it doesn't tip him over the edge. You say he is only verbally violent only you know how he will take that. stay safe

Why are you allowing your children to live in such an abusive, damaging environment? Your husband is a verbally violent bully and this will shatter the lives of your children forever. You need to leave him, period.

A very difficult and sad situation but you must make it clear to your husband that, though you have great sympathy with him, it is not your fault that his mother is will and totally unfair to take his rage and grief out on you. I hope that works, he may take a step back and look at how he has been behaving.

All the best.

I wouldn't give a toss how ill his mother is, no one treats me like that.

Stop appeasing him. Your kids will learn to despise you, just like he does.

BobbyDazzler99 just posting to see how you are? Stay strong

However, dh has always been a person very quick to anger. Quite unpleasant to live with tbh

Why have you stayed with him and subjected your dc to a parent who is "quite unpleasant to live with"?

Did you think that moving country would improve his temper? Surely it would have been better for him to go alone as that would have resulted in less stress all round for you and your poor long-suffering dc.

*It's like he has all the power and he can do what he wants and he's throwing his weight around.

Are you surprised? You surrendered your power long ago and now he's got you isolated he's become even more of a tyrant than he was before

What you should be asking is how you can get yourself and the dc back to your country of origin and leave him to stew in his own juice,

His mother being ill doesn't give him a free pass to treat you like shit! I'd take the kids and move back to the UK if I were you.

Throws it back at you that you still have your parents? He's an utterly vile bastard.
Add to the fact you and your children are walking on eggshells around him. Wake up!!! This is abuse.
Would you rage at him if your mother was ill?
Please leave him.

I lost my parents within 5 weeks of each other I was devastated but still wasn't a cunt to my family. Grief is no excuse for foul behaviour. He needs to get a grip, or maybe you and the children need to return home and leave him to it. Protect your children and yourself.

Just wanted to add my voice to the many pp’ saying this is a dreadful situation for you and the dc’s.
Grief is a terrible thing, but it sounds like he’s always been an angry man? Adults are responsible for their own behaviour, you as well as him. He’s got so much power at the moment, you seem very stuck.

Quite honestly if you’ve given up work and friends to go abroad for his job he should be doing everything he can to keep YOU happy, how are you managing with the changes? He goes back home and just leaves you all?

Have a good think OP. What do you want?

I fear he has carte blanche because of this pain he has
He does NOT!!!!!
I lost my sister to cancer. She was 46. Life isn't fair.
It was horrendous. The worst year of my life.
But I was not vile to my family.
Not only did I lose my sister she was my very best friend.

This is abuse OP. Pure and simple.
He's ramping it up because he can. Because you are allowing and enabling it.
Can you go home?
Take the DC and get away.
This is an awful environment for them.
He is abusing you and he is abusing your DC.
YOU have to protect them from this.
See this for what it is and get away - FAST!!!!!
Do not allow your DC to keep seeing this.
Do not allow them to keep being abused.
You may want to stick it out but do NOT let your DC see this vile man as their male role model.
They will mirror his behaviour or become victims themselves.
SAVE THEM!!!!!!

Read your other thread about not enjoying life, @BobbyDazzler99, and I hope you're not replying to this thread because you're too busy sorting out your situation. I wonder if you are feeling no joy because of being stuck in a situation you don't like, with a partner who is not on your side. In my experience, escaping from that "stuck" situation can make you feel subjectively better , even if you are objectively "worse off", e.g. financially or moving into a smaller home, etc.
On the other thread, you said that ADs would just cover up your feelings and not make them go away. Again in my experience (so no guarantees), ADs helped me see things clearly enough, and gave me the strength I needed, to make some positive changes to my life permanently, not only while I was taking them. They helped me look more closely at my thought patterns, in therapy. They may not be the thing for you, but don't dismiss them - SSRIs for example don't lead to fuzzy thinking, make you sleepy etc. It is well worth discussing the subject with your GP.