There’s a block inside me

[BurritosNotBoris]

... that’s stopping me having a relationship. I ended my marriage after a 30 year relationship four years ago. It was shit for 7 years before I finally called time. Turns out he had an OW who I only found out about after the divorce. I still feel humiliated and angry that he didn’t tell me himself as we were supposed to be friends (hollow laugh) - my eldest DD told me, poor love. Since then I have had lots of really good sex with men I’ve met online, only one ONS the rest have been repeat performances, but no whiff of a proper relationship. Basically I only sleep with nice men who I know I won’t have a relationship with, I’m definitely blocking myself. So I’ve started counselling to see what’s up. Here’s my question: does anyone have experience of this situation and counselling for it? What can I expect?

Bump

Ok, I’ll get my coat

I was hoping that someone would come and post after I bumped it. I don't have any experience of it.

Op - give yourself a break!!!!
You have got back on your feet. You have ended a long and unhappy marriage. You have found nice men who give you what you beed at this time.
When you are ready for a relationship and actually want one - you’ll know.
You don’t sound unhappy.
You sound like you THINK you should want a relationship on some intellectual level and want to figure out why you don’t really.
But after a 30yo marriage - having a break and time to yourself seems to make sense.
Counselling can be a good thing and help you reflect on you and what you need/want.
Good luck

Maybe you don’t need another man or relationship but you just enjoy the Company and sexy and there’s nothing wrong with that 🤷🏼‍♀️. Do you have other things in your life ? Family, friends , hobbies, career ? As long as you aren’t sat on your phone all day every day then this is just a dynamic that may suit you at Least for now

Thank you for your replies. Sorry for my peevishness earlier, embarrassing 👸🏼

Yes I work full-time as a freelance, so quite isolated. I have one DC still at home, dogs, hobbies, friends, a beloved DF who is v aged now (I’m 57). I’ve rid myself of family and friends who don’t add to my life - I know that sounds ruthless, but I don’t have time now for people who use me. I’m not bored and I’m not unhappy, but I am frustrated because I do want to be in love again, not just have sex and give/receive affection. It just seems so unlikely to happen now - I feel I may have left it too late.

...and that bloody terrifies me!

Just wanted to say that I can relate and you are not the only one to feel that way.

I think my circumstances are different to yours, but the end result seems similar. I would much prefer to be in a loving relationship, but there is a definite block there. For me I just know that, despite being single, I am not ''emotionally available''. I am not over my past or at peace with it. I know in my gut I don't have what it takes right now to invest in something new with someone else. It would be unfair to them and to me. I am technically free but not free in my heart. But I'm not really settled with that and wish it was not the case. I am always thinking about the fact I am alone but am unable or unwilling to change that right now.

Yes as others suggested it could be that your conditioning is telling you that you 'shouldn't be single' when you actually want that, but equally it could be as you suspect - you want more but you know in your gut you are not ready or that something is holding you back. Counselling and reflection might help you get to the bottom of what specifically is causing that.

Thank you, I’m sorry to hear you are in the same boat but at least I’m not alone! How long have you felt this way? Do you have any sense of the block easing? Have you tried counselling?

I’m pretty sure it’s not conditioning for me. I’ve never been afraid to do things differently and be unconventional. And while I want to be in a relationship, I kind of despise people who move on very fast because they can’t be alone - my DB was widowed in the July, in a full-blown relationship by the October FFS. My counsellor agreed with me that part of my problem is The political reality that men can and do move on faster as they are -usually, not always - less shackled by caring responsibilities. This is indeed something that makes me angry, which doesn’t help my block.

BurritosNotBoris

"How long have you felt this way?" Going on three years now. Part of what puts me off a new relationship is the feeling that it would be like saying ''the past doesn't matter now, how it still effects my life now doesn't matter" but it does matter to me and it does still effect things, day to day. It ties in to other questions about what i do with my life, who I am now, where I am going etc. A brand new relationship won't answer any of those. I'm figuring out (or trying to!) who I am and where I go. I am getting counselling, I think it will take a little while. I need to get to the point of being ok about myself first, and if that happens then sharing my life with someone could come next.

Perhaps for you take as much time as you need to work on where you are in yourself, how you feel about yourself and your life story. The block you're talking about is probably there for good reasons. That won't mean it has to be there forever. Just it is doing a job - maybe keeping you out of emotionally involved relationships just right now. But the block you have doesn't have to define you or control you. It sounds like you are on the right track examining what factors are fueling it. Asking what makes you cross, what isn't right in your world, what are you not ok with. You're already asking good questions and taking steps to explore them. Do that with kindness to yourself and let yourself find the answers in your own time, they will come.

dutchtulip19 thank you so, so much, I really appreciate the time you have taken to respond and you have given me hope that I am at least on the right path. I hope that you find your answers too and that they open you up to happiness 💐

Hi BurritosNotBoris, have you read up on attachment theory? There is a book called 'Attached' by Amir Levine (I think!) and you can get it in as an audio book. Basically, it describes how we all have different attachment styles that you develop as a baby due to how your parents parent you or due to events and you bring that into your adult relationships.

If you are an avoidant (which is me!), you tend to avoid real intimacy and one way you do that is through one-night stands or sex (it's intimacy without the real intimacy, as my therapist says to me), which sounds to me like what you are doing. I'm trying to work through my issues with a therapist as well. But have a read or listen of the book, it might shed some light on your situation. Good luck.

TwoBoys thank you, I think I am fearful avoidant due to events when I was a young adult. I learnt to rely only on myself, practically and emotionally. Since then, Apart from the love I feel for my DC (and dogs, of course!) I don’t think I’ve ever loved anyone, certainly not my XH.