Lonely marriage tips?

[Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow]

I have been married a decade; three lovely children. They are my priority. I grew up with very unhappily married parents; as did my husband.

He lost his parents a few years ago. He hasn’t recovered. For a while he drank quite heavily. He doesn’t now as I told him it had to stop. He is a hard worker and great dad, in the main.

By fuck, I’m lonely. He is the kind of person who can go days without communicating. I call him my Dementor. He sucks my joy. I’m bright and cheery and generally happy. I am at the point of giving up. It’s not that my needs aren’t met; it’s like my needs aren’t acknowledged. I am self sufficient but know if I got got cancer or suffered a bereavement I would be utterly alone. My dog is my best friend and I have lovely friends generally who know none of this.

I think he is depressed. There were always issues to an extent. He is quite wrapped up in himself and disinterested and moody. That’s got worse. I have suggested counselling for us or even just him. He won’t. And we have no childcare and can’t get out much. But he is only like this with me. He seems to manage every other aspect of his life ok. It I don’t say good morning to him, he won’t speak. Never asks how I am or about my day. We will talk about his stuff/issues as I am interested. I sleep on the floor in the study as he is high maintenance and doesn’t sleep well.

I’m so terribly lonely and would love to meet a man in a similar position for coffee every few weeks. Just for a chat.

I can’t leave DH. I can’t do that to my children for a variety of complex reasons.

Any survival tips?! I feel this must be a common problem!

You need to leave.

I'm not sure what the complex reasons are but there are very few reasons to NOT leave except safety. It's never in your children's best interest for you to be unhappy because unhappy parents raise unhappy children. You are not an Oscar winning actor so you're never going to be able to fake it through life.

You don't deserve misery and you know this. Make a plan and get out.

Thanks

It’s down to safety of my kids. I can’t trust him with them. He is very absent minded. He forgets things like car seats (really) or leaves them in the car with the keys in the ignition or goes to bed and leaves the oven on. I could go on and on.

I need to wait until they are older. I wouldn’t forgive myself if something happened and know we would get joint custody.

"But he is only like this with me"

Because he thinks he can get away with it.

He might not even want joint custody.

It sounds like there's a lot going on but I can't see how staying with him benefits you or your dc.

You can leave- your children are young, they'll be fine. The atmosphere he emanates probably effects them too, though they mightn't realise that yet. My dad was the same and it was crap. My mum left when I was in my late teens, but should've left far sooner.

You don't love him- it's verging on the opposite. You resent his presence (and rightly so.)

If he won't get help for his problems, despite how they're effecting you, that's another reason to go.

Btw why does he leave them in the car? If he's doing this stuff now, then you staying with him isn't preventing it?

I sleep on the floor in the study

Oh come on, now. You do need to leave him, but while you’re dithering, at least buy yourself a bloody bed!

Just go ! Or ask him to go. I was in a similar situation but stuck with it for kids and because I thought that was my life.
Then I got a big inheritance and he walked - why ? Because he can take half. I’ve found out all kinds since. You can move on and the kids will be fine

And I don’t think there are any men in similar positions who would be content with a chat over coffee every few weeks. That’s the saddest fantasy ☹️

I have to watch him constantly with the kids. It’s exhausting. I’m by no means perfect but he has little common sense. He just doesn’t think. For 6 months he drove his car without the car seat attached to the seat and didn’t notice. Sometimes doesn’t do the belts up because he thinks it’s pointless. Just forgets stuff. Used to leave the front door wide open when they were babies. I don’t really go away.

“.because he thinks he can get away with it” is exactly it. Makes me angry seeing it written like that. My happiness is of no consequence to him. Sometimes he will say he will try harder and it’s better for a day or two but then it slips.

I think it I had someone I could meet every so often it would take away my loneliness. I don’t mean sex - just occasional emotional intimacy. Has anyone done this?

I work in an office and do get out sometimes at night once the kids are down. Would never go near a married man though for the misery it would cause.

Ha! I have a camp bed. I don’t need a lot! I’m not a martyr - just don’t need very much to make me happy

His moodiness is beginning to affect my (astute) eldest. We are now fighting over when is he too hard on her. But it’s only occasional just now but I can see her starting to wind him up

In what way is he a great Dad?

Why are you saying he's a good dad?

He does adore them. Great at spending time with them/enjoying them/doing stuff. Better than me at playing with them I think.

If he has that weird forgetfulness/absentmindedness, that is probably part of whatever mental health issues he has.

I'm not an expert on this, but you could mention that in any custody discussions. I would just take the kids (or make him move out) then say you don't trust him with them alone because of the forgetfulness etc. Worth a go.

Start documenting the times he has put them in danger. Is he like this at work? (I’d be very sureprised) if not then it’s conscience negligence, probably to either make sure you stay put or to drive you crazy. Or both. Either way it’s a form of abuse to them and yourself. Mental and emotional. Surely you can see that. Make plans to leave, you are in a very abusive relationship, as are your children. Good father my arse... good father but puts their life in danger by not securing their car seat. And God knows what else. He’s at war with you, you just don’t know it. Get out. Save yourself and the kids. Literally.

"Better than me at playing with them I think."

FFS. I don't even like kids and I'm good at that.

Never mind. You posted here so you are on the right path.

Just out of curiosity...Why is your sense of self-worth so low? Shockingly low...sleeping on a camp bed in the study? Accepting him ignoring you? And your needs? To accept someone not even having the decency to greet their life partner? Someone they should love and cherish? It’s time to pack the kids up and .... GO!!!

Is he lonely? What is he hoping to achieve? Does he genuinely think he is being a great husband? He must know he is being difficult. It's a choice. Being good at playing with the kids is easy if you don't have to do the grafting before and after playing.
And don't give up your bedroom. He can't sleep? he should go in the study.

Anyway, your dc will notice / have noticed and a united front is important. Ask him what he plans to do for Christmas for his family. You both and the kids. If he won't join in planning he sounds as if he has checked out. Ask him if he wants to be married and what being married looks like to him.

Why do you want to meet a man for chats? Do you mean sex? He sounds unhappy and so do you, you both have the power to change it.

@Calledyoulastnightfromglasgow second para shouts to me, manic depression or certainly circumstantial depression - I know the signs, absent minded, doesn’t care, careless, puts a face on to the world, goes day to day aimlessly, forgetful, undesirable etc.
Help him and then rebuild your marriage.

Do you have any experience with depression OP? It really honestly sounds like this to me.

but I can see her starting to wind him up

Wind him up or rebel against his horrible moody behaviour and anger at the way he treats you?

His sister suffers depression and I think his mum and grandad were bipolar. I can definitely see traits of depression in DH - he is happy when he drinks - but I don’t
think he is clinically depressed, no. Doing well at work and managing a hobby. His mum didn’t speak to his dad apparently for months at a time so how much is learned behaviour?

My parents marriage wasn’t brilliant - my dad was probably emotionally abusive and my mum cold with me. They divorced. So to be honest, that DH and I are not great is utterly the norm for me. I don’t have low self esteem but will do anything to give my kids the stability I didn’t have.

When I pull him up on the safety issues, he tells me I’m mad. This is not a good sign. I often have to repeat myself quietly over and over and my DD is picking up on that. She sticks up for me. Again I know this isn’t good.

DH wants us to share a room again but that’s partly my fault. He is a pain in the room and needs everything perfect or huffs and mutters and to be honest I just want a bit of peace at night. It’s my sanctuary.

This thread is useful as I see how far down we have come. Three kids and I have done all the hard graft of that (he didn’t cope well with early mornings and nights!!!!!!!).

We need counselling. Somehow. But I do worry that some of it is just selfishness.

Often if I raise things he will say “well just fuck off then”. Again this isn’t good.

We went out for dinner a few months ago and he was talking about his sister and her behaviour to her husband (also awful but he is an alcoholic - partly I suspect to cope with her). I said “do you realise that your response when I disagree with you is to mutter or say “fuck off/go away/stupid woman”. He was appalled and denied it to which I laughed. He had a head injury when younger and I often wonder if he has a memory issue. But then he wouldn’t manage so well at work so I think he is just fucking selfish again

I feel for you OP. I don't know what the best thing to do would be but he certainly needs help and if he's not prepared to get it how long are you going to be able to put up with it? I am in a similar situation, although not so severe and I ask myself the same all the time. When is it going to be that enough is enough?
My way to cope? I exercise a lot, do stuff for me, I read and build on my friendships. I started opening up with some of my closest friends lately and their support is helping me to fill that awful sense of loneliness. All the best OP.