His actions make me reconsider saving the relationship f

[Whatthehell189]

Not really sure how to start this, but my partner and I are currently separated, living seperate however have a 1yr old DD and looking to rekindle our relationship. We had been to couples counselling but the counsellor wasn’t great and now seeking another. During this process I have asked that we don’t get physical, I.e no sex and no kissing.. in part because if things still don’t work out I don’t want him saying that I sent mixed signals and also because when I have said no to sex in the past he’ll push the matter and only to be told he is joking.

So this weekend he comes to see DD as he always does, he informs me he has been promoted which is great and he has spent years working to this point, so I say congratulations. From this it turns into him giving me a hug and then trying to kiss me. I stupidly accepted the hug but gently pushed him away during his kiss advance as he was holding DD. After this he tried a 2nd time, then a 3rd and so on. In the end I let him give me a kiss on the cheek. Next day he tried to do exactly the same and I told him we’ve discussed this I don’t want to be physical and I got back the so what was yesterday about, I told him that I did say no enough times and i only allowed it in the end because he was holding DD and felt trapped. He response, you know I’m joking. Anyway from this que sulking and silent treatment, apart from when he told me that people at work and outside of work often misunderstand him thinking that he has asked then to do something when really he is telling them and that when he has had enough that is it, I took this as a indirect threat at me but perhaps I was being sensitive to the situation.

Regardless I’d like some outside help on what you think of all of this, should I just not try and salvage any sort of relationship?

Not sure what to say here as I don’t know anything about your relationship, but just the description of the current situation sounds odd to me.
What exactly are you trying to re-kindle? It seems that you don’t feel an attraction to him on a very basic physical level. And if that’s gone - no amount of counselling will bring it back.
You explanation of why you don’t want to have sex with him while working on re-kindling sounds more like a way to hide your lack of desire to have sex with him.
🤷🏻‍♀️
In general - I’d have thought people can combine counselling and physical closeness IF both feel like it. And if relationship doesn’t get fix, sex can then also stop. There are no mixed signals among consenting adults.

So, he's abusive. Which is about power and control. He doesn't have to be a monster to be abusive.

He will never change and never respect you. He thinks it's his right to behave like this.

If you want more information: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Unless you want to spend your life being coerced into sexual activity, then I would end this for good.

Hi OP. It sounds to me from what you've said that he doesn't seem to be bringing anything positive to your life.

At the very least, he isn't respecting your boundaries, and from what you've said, that isn't an isolated incident. You said he's been like this with sex before, to be told he's joking when he pushes things too far. He's clearly not joking; he's being pushy and demanding. It sounds a bit like gaslighting to me.

You also said that he was sulking and gave you the silent treatment when you didn't accept his physical advances. That also shows a complete lack of respect for your boundaries. You said you allowed him to kiss you because he was holding your daughter and you felt trapped. I think you need to really think about that. He was holding your child, so you felt forced into accepting contact you didn't want. Where does that stop?

You said you're interested in having more couple's counselling. Frankly, I wouldn't bother, as he sounds thoroughly unreasonable, and I wouldn't want my child to see that behaviour and believe it's normal.

I think for your good and that of your child, you need to LTB. I know it's not always that easy. Best of luck.

@MMmomDD, physically there haven’t ever been any issues and still aren’t. However when I told him I wanted to seperate the fact that we had sex was thrown back in my face. Because of this at the moment I feel unable to be physically close with him if after all the counselling I decide I don’t want to be with him! In his eyes if I kiss him, have sex it’s pretty much a done deal that I’ll move back in with him as soon as possible when I’ve already exampled there is a lot we need to work through.

How many times has he called you sensitive when you've been upset by his behaviour, by the way?

I would have found that threatening too in the circumstances.

Forgot to mention that in my very long message, but I'd echo @katalavenete that what he said at the end of your post seems as if it was meant to intimidate or threaten you.

He sounds immature, selfish and nasty.
He pretends to be jolmh because he knows his behaviour is unacceptable. He should be taking responsibility for how he behaves.
He’s coercive which means he had no respect for you.
Why rekindle that? It’s a set up for a lifetime of misery.

OP - but or doesn’t matter what things seem to be like ‘in his eyes’. You are allowed to chose to have sex or not.
And this doesn’t have to be connected to whether you want this relationship to continue or not.
Why do you feel you need to justify your choices to him?
Have sex/intimacy on your terms and when you want it. What he makes out of it - is his issue. You aren’t responsible for his head.

As I said - I don’t know what the actual issues or the history of your relationship are.
But it’s quite clear that YOU need a break from him and reconciliation isn’t really something you are trying happily. Or with much hope.
Maybe this is why you decided to put this artificial barrier up.

I am sorry. I don’t think there is a happy ending here.

Get some counselling on your own. You really need to take a goid look at what you are rekindling.

You and he can co parent separately, and his pushiness over intimacy isn't good.

I couldn't fancy a man who won't respect basic boundaries and who minimises my feelings.

@MMmomDD you post really made me think and you’re right we can have sex without it meaning anything and I’m not responsible for his mind, but I feel like I am. And also about the ‘barrier’ while he is still physically attractive I need that space from him at the moment.

@katalavenete no he hasn’t called me sensitive but will say oh I’m just joking which in term makes me feel like I am being hyper sensitive.

@Glitterandunicorns, Definitely isn’t easy and I was thinking about doing counselling again but it just doesn’t seem like he has changed. He’ll tell me he has changed and is listening to me now and seemed to be taking it all in and then just have moments where he’ll slip up. One of my issues with him was that he didn’t listen to me or he did but just didn’t care.. the kissing is part of that. And just thinking because he is a high earner that he gets it all his way and I must go along with what he wants. Honestly did think we were turning a corner now I realise he hooked me in with the old, we used to be friends before we were lovers and it hurts not to be with you bla bla.. even told me where he went wrong but in hindsight I think he is just repeating what I’ve told him.

@Whatthehell189 I think what you've just written is quite telling.
You said "He'll tell me he's changed and that he listens to me now" but then he'll slip up. Firstly, it's not about him telling you he's changed. It's about you being happy that he's listening to you and feeling valued. You said he'll slip up. I don't think it's slipping up- I think it's that he's essentially pretending to be what he thinks you want for brief spells, but then goes back to his normal.

Great points from @MMmomDD too.

I completely agree with @MulticolourMophead too. Being pushy over intimacy is never a good thing, and I really think you need to forget about couple's counselling until you've had individual counselling first. A PP suggested looking at the Freedom Programme. That's a good idea.

Take care of yourself, OP.

Anyway from this que sulking and silent treatment

Doesn't sound as though he's working all that hard to rekindle your relationship. Sounds more as though he just thinks you are spitting your dummy out to make a point and he'll be back home in time for Christmas.

He response, you know I’m joking. Anyway from this que sulking and silent treatment

So he has no respect for your boundaries, pesters you for sex when you've asked him not to, he gaslights you, then sulks and stonewalls you.

And you're considering getting back together with him?

Why!? Seriously?

I have sought out counselling for myself as I was suffering from anxiety. As to why I want the relationship, because I do care about him but not enough to put up with him pushing my boundaries. For a moment it seemed like he finally got it however like @Glitterandunicorns said from all his actions it appears he is pretending to be a changed man.

@Zaphodsotherhead at the beginning of our seperation I said the exact same thing.

His staggering lack of maturity would be enough for me to leave him for good.

He sounds awful and, I agree with a pp, abusive - disrespecting your boundaries big time, stonewalling you, silent treatment, gaslighting you. Groping and pawing you Like you're his possession. And he's on his best behaviour!

Why go back? Why put your dd through this - you broke up for a reason.

Abusers rarely change (although they're skilled at pretending to) and it's also dangerous to go to counselling with an abuser (I wonder if that's why counselling didn't work out with your first one). He'll do what he can to get you back - he probably thinks you're a sure thing - and then revert or be even worse.

I agree with PPs - go to counselling on your own. Leave this disrespectful man to stew and get some serious advice.

So, he wants to mend the relationship but he’s still not respecting your boundaries. He’s supposed to be on his best behaviour but he’s showing you no respect. I’d think that was your answer right there.

All the reasons you’ve all posted are reasons why I left, the pushing boundaries etc and ultimately for my DD as I don’t want her growing up thinking that’s what a relationship is, I also know that if I’m not happy how on earth will she be happy and nothing brings me more joy than seeing a smile on her face.

When it comes down to it I think he took me for a stroll down memory lane, back when he was caring and when I couldn’t imagine my life with anyone else, for a while I thought maybe things would be ok. Then when he come in and kept pushing it started to dawn on me that he just said those things and thought all would be fine and when it wasn’t he stropped. I made excuses about him only stropping because it’s so hard on him but I shouldn’t make excuses for his poor behaviour.