Anyone married to someone they suspect has undiagnosed Aspergers?

[Loola6]

I have been going to counselling as been struggling in my marriage and the counsellor suggested she thought my husband had Aspergers, since this suggestion I’ve done some research and I feel stupid that I’ve never realised ... he shows so many signs but I always put it down to OCD or just being difficult. Anyway I’ve not been happy for two years now, have a young toddler who is also showing signs of ASD and wondering if anyone has any experience of this and whether symptoms get better or worse? I feel like my husband has become more selfish, talks at me a lot and is very regimented and it’s exhausting.... not sure how much I’ve got left to give especially after he was aggressive and never really apologised!

Yep.
Don't really know what to do about it!

Yes - I suspect the same thing OP. Again, don't really know what to do about it. I believe it's more HFA but I don't really know the different categories.

No children. Although I want them. He's not so keen. Thinking about leaving. How is he with the child?

I have aspergers and something about your post leapt out at me. I have a DP, who is also very likely on the spectrum too, and he said before that whilst he understands where I'm coming from, others may struggle with me (which is very true) and when I asked in what way, he said I would come across as selfish even though I'm really not. It literally just doesn't cross my mind. I'm learning, and it's bloody hard as I'm fixed in my thinking and set in my ways but now I'm aware of it, I make the effort, or DP will just point it out which is fine, but I often won't get it without it being pointed out. Luckily DP is very understanding (and also worked with people with ASD before).

Obviously being on the spectrum doesn't give us a right to be selfish, but our brains are wired differently and we just don't think in the way NTs do and learning not to be a certain way can be bloody hard work. Also if these things aren't pointed out very directly, we will have absolutely no idea.

My exH told me after my diagnosis that he always thought something wasn't 'right'. Never bothered to actually share a single thought about this with me though and me not being a mindreader, had no idea he thought anything like that about me.

@farfromperfect82 he’s pretty good with my daughter now she is older but wasn’t so great as a baby. However he’s not great at the emotional support and just more doing the fun things.
However the relationship between us got worse since pregnant with my daughter, he wasn’t supportive during pregnancy and became quite aggressive a few times then when my daughter was 3 months old grabbed me by the throat and since then it’s never been the same for me although he acts like normal!

OP that is horrendous! Have you discussed what happened? Obviously this is completely unacceptable and you are no doubt traumatised which has led to you feeling as you do.

One thing I have learnt from having a neuro-diverse partner is that if you are direct and do point stuff out then I do see positive change. Same point that @NewMe2019 is making I guess.

I would suggest some couples counselling perhaps, a mediator might be helpful in this situation.

So he's aggressive, grabbed your throat, emotionally cold and never apologises - sounds more like a cluster b personality disorder than asbergers. Especially considering he is abusive and people who are going through abuse often clutch as straws like 'oh maybe he has autism' as a way of 'excusing' it (which it isn't anyway as there is no excuse for abuse).

Read up on narcissistic personality disorder. See if it rings true. It sounds more like that than asbergers any day and I know people with both diagnosises.

I'd also change counselors as she was bang out if order to suggest asbergers about someone she has never met.

He grabbed you by the throat. Aspergers is a red herring. And couples counselling is a bad idea. There are statistics on men who grab a woman by the throat and how that escalates.

He sounds abusive OP, aspergers or not.

And never go to joint therapy with an abuser!

Yes, I suspect my DH is on the spectrum. Both of our twins have been diagnosed with ASD in the last year and since learning a lot more about it, I suspect I may be as well. Difference is that it’s never prevented DH or I from meeting milestones, getting an education, getting married whereas our boys are severely affected, severely delayed (social and communication skills of small infants rather than the 3 year olds they are, for example).

Having said that, DH has never been aggressive towards me and no diagnosis or ND would make that acceptable whatsoever. It can be challenging as we both struggle with communication in different ways and he has really struggled with empathy with me, but is an amazing father and generally a very good husband.

Hi - there is a thread here which may be able to help you;

Married to someone with Aspergers: support thread 4 (replacement one) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3524836-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-4-replacement-one

I think sometimes people on the spectrum can often have anger issues - anger particularly arising in emotionally stressful situations that are difficult to deal with. My ex punched walls, shouted down in my face etc. I left him for other reasons (he did have counselling with an AS specialist, and went on an anger management course) but I have to say if he'd ever grabbed my throat, pregnant or not, I would have left straight away.

Hopefully the kind folk on the thread above can help you. 💐

I've just split from my ASD partner. Lovely man but completely incapable of giving me what I needed from a relationship.

It's not the ASD, it's whether you can live with the aspects of his behaviour that are problematic for you. My previous partner was also ASD but it manifested very differently for him, and his behaviour gave me fewer problems.

But grabbing your throat - that's not ASD, that's plain abuse.

Hello @Loola6 we're so sorry to hear you're having a hard time of things - we really hope you get the support you need.

Can we just make a polite request that everyone posting avoids making generalisations about all people on the autistic spectrum? Sharing your own experience is of course absolutely fine - thank you.

Yes, I've thought for a long time that my husband is on the autistic spectrum. I've never mentioned it to him but there's been a lot that's jumped out at me over the years. I can't even put it into words properly, just little things that niggle. Like if I m upset about something, he doesnt ever seem to understand why I'm upset. For example he'll give me a hug and comfort me and say that he's sad because I'm upset, but he doesn't ever seem to get WHY I'm upset if that even makes sense.

He struggles socially (never really goes out or sees friends), he doesn't talk to friends except online gaming friends. Only person he really talks to properly in real life is me. I've had many people over the years ask me after social events 'what's wrong with your husband, why doesn't he talk' etc and actually there was nothing wrong with him, that's just how he is.

There's other things too but I'm really crap at putting it into words. Those are the main things that jump out at me.

came quite aggressive a few times then when my daughter was 3 months old grabbed me by the throat

That's not autism, it's being a violent, aggressive, abusive dick.

Leave him. You're living with someone who might kill you. Not a good plan. I've done it myself, for a few months. It's hard to accept the situation is as bad as it is. But think of it this way - next time he grabs your neck he might not let go soon enough.

Please, re-draw your boundaries. Don't allow even the risk of this happening again. Imagine if your child really annoyed him...

I’m autistic, I have never grabbed my husband by the throat! The first thing you need to consider is that you are in a dangerous and abusive relationship. Why he is abusive really doesn’t matter, he is abusive and you need to get you and your dd to safety. I am black and white about certain things and abuse is one of them, if my dh ever hit or strangled me then that would be our relationship over. Please contact Woman’s Aid to plan your escape, don’t tell him you are planning to leave, the most dangerous time for a woman who is in an abusive relationship is when they are about to leave or have left the relationship. Your dh has already displayed the most dangerous behaviour which indicates that he is capable of much more violence than you have already experienced! Please get help!

Anyone grabbing your throat is a sign of abuse.

You sound so unhappy so what is stopping you from taking action? Could you ask him to leave for a period of time?

DH and I have been married 25 yrs. It has felt for most of that time that he is emotionally absent. In the past few years he has begun to realise how his perception of things differs from mine, and why I might feel unsupported.

But he has never laid a finger on me. Never.
You need to think long and hard about this.

Thanks everyone. It sounds crazy but because it was two years ago I think I have minimised what happened and because it hasn't happened again I feel like I should just get over it, however there are so many other things about him that I am fed up with it is not just an isolated incident. However my daughter is two and is highly sensitive, loves her daddy and the thought of breaking up her family home and only getting to see her half the week devastates me. However I have realised that I am really unhappy and it is not fair on her to be in this environment either...one day I am really clear on what I need to do and the next I am confused again, I feel like I have a split personality at the moment - its exhausting!

Do you really think he will want 50/50 contact? Or keep it up for more than a fortnight?

Your daughter can love her daddy without having to live with him.

Yes he would just go for it to spite me and then take her to his mum and dads if he couldn't look after her....