Had enough of DP

[MamaBear94]

Hi, I dont use mumsnet as often as i should but I am looking for advice.
I think I need a break from DP. We have 2 kids together DS is 4 and DD is 6 months and have been together 6 years. Maternity leave has been lonely this time round and has resulted in PND. I have been irritable and moody at times I'm not perfect no one is, but there is something about my DP lately that just irritates me so much. The way he speaks to the kids for start, he calls our son a stupid child alot and DS has now been told off for calling other kids stupid at school but DP wont accept that the things he says has an affect on the kids. Hes just always arsy with DS for no reason I dont get it. He doesn't feed the kids or cook for them, hes only ever fed the baby once 🙄 never cooks, always on his effing phone. I am always so overwhelmed with things to do and when I ask for help he just huffs and puffs like it's a big deal. When when I try talk to him about the way I feel with my PND gives me no sympathy, tells me it's all in my head, I need to get over myself and go for a walk, I had a panic attack in bed once and he thought I was putting it on!! then he will claim that he is depressed and anxious all the time too and expect sympathy in return! I'm not sure what I'm aiming at here, or if I just need a rant. We were so in love before our DD things were great he was a bit of a prick sometimes with DS but nothing too over the top. I'm not sure if it's my depression that's clouding what I see, or if I've totally gone off him. I just feel like I need a few days away for a mental break to remind myself how I really feel. Anyone gone through anything similar? Thanks in advance xx

PND fecking sucks, and the one thing that makes it worse is a DH who just doesnt get it!!! Me and hubby argue, he can be on his phone too much, he can be too snappy with the kids etc, but the main difference is he is always the first one at my side when Im having a breakdown, and always there for me when I want to talk about it, or just have a hug and cry!!
You may well need a few days away and youll feel better, but, PND doesnt go away over night, (i got it with my 2nd and hes now 3 years old, still not doing great)! If he doesnt at least try to understand and help, then the situations not going to get any better :(!
So sorry your having to go through this, there is councelling services out there specially for PND, take advantage of things like that as they are usually only available while baby is young xxx

That sounds horrible OP. Really feel for you.

Have you tried writing it all down to get thoughts straight, and speaking to him directly about it all?

Have you also spoken to a doctor? Some counselling might make a difference and PND definitely qualifies you to receive on NHS.

Sounds like a break wouldn't be a bad shout. Is there any mum you can hang out with the kids or could you get DP to babysit so you can have a night out?

Personally I would recommend the Calm app, it's short meditations that allow you to take some time out from thinking / doing just for 10 mins. Over time it really helps with mental health, and also to stream-line thoughts.

Mate, you can't have him calling your son stupid. Imagine the effect it's having.

Your mental health is one thing- and try and get your therapy and meds etc as suitable for you as you can- but he is also awful. Think of the effect on your son of being called things like that- it happened to me, and it can effect you for life. So, when you feel able I think you need to leave him- not just for you, but for the kids' sake. Hugs xxxxx

I wouldn't have any man, married or not, verbally or physically hurt me or my kids. They'd be out.

If he's not committed to stopping insulting DS then I don't think you're over reacting at all. PND is a lonely place and I don't think he was saying go for a walk in a bad way. It can help but it's no cure and sometimes you just want a cuddle.

Thank you for the replies.
I know, when he called my son stupid I cried l, my sons poor little face and then I was frustrated as to why DP just doesn't understand how harsh words have an affect on children, he just looks at me as if I'm stupid.
Dont get me wrong, hes a good guy, he works hard and I know he loves us, but when it comes to me expressing my feeling to him he doesn't want to know, either that or he just doesn't know what to do about it. I have seen a doctor but was trying self help first before any medication came into play. There is an 8 month waiting list for councilling and I cant afford to go private while still on mat leave. I do have the calm app and it works great but it's not enough now. Thank you tho ladies xxx

He's not a good guy. He leaves you to do all the grunt work and insults your son, plus doesn't help and support you whilst you're ill. Yes, you do need a break from him, a permanent one.

My STBXH makes it seem like I am the crazy one for growing up in a family that allowed no name calling and fights me like it should be a right to call me and our son stupid and that he is teaching my son how to have a thick skin. He makes me feel like I'm crazy and I am oversensitive by not wanting to call people names. He messed up my head with a lot of things but I can't buy that name calling is something that is okay and that doesn't cause future issues like bullying and low self esteem. He says I must be the only person in the world that grew up not calling people names and I am damaged. He will call me names then get extremely upset with me when I refuse to agree that I'm stupid. Your post OP confirms my thoughts it's not okay to call people names (I was seriously beginning to doubt myself).

MamaBear

re your comment:-

"Dont get me wrong, hes a good guy, he works hard and I know he loves us, but when it comes to me expressing my feeling to him he doesn't want to know, either that or he just doesn't know what to do about it".

The second part here well outweighs the first. His own lack of emotional feelings here are chilling frankly. He is abusive towards both you and your children; small wonder you've wound up feeling depressed. He is the root cause of you being depressed now and I would think your mood would lift somewhat if he was out of your lives permanently.

What do you get out of this relationship?.

He's a good guy who works hard eh?. Well he is not a good guy at all if he is treating you all like this. As for being someone who works hard, well many people do, and that is a really low baseline here for relationship criteria.

Like many abused women here you are trying to excuse the really inexcusable from him and now he is starting on his children as well.
The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?. Do you want your children to grow up thinking that yes, this is how men treat other people?. They only get one childhood after all.

I know what your saying attila, but most times the good does outweigh the bad, and I think it's my depression that's put a spanner in the works, our relationship was never like this before we had our second child.
I grew up in a broken household and that had a deep affect on me growing up and I dont want that for my children.
I understand the things that get said are not right and are often in the heat of the moment but I know that's no excuse. I'm just in 2 minds cos I honestly think it's me, and it's my problem that I need to address. Abuse is a strong word and I dont think that that's what's going on here. I'm not really sure what's going on

Abusers though are not nasty all the time because if they were, no one would want to be with them.

The fact too that you cannot answer what you yourself are getting out of this relationship speaks volumes. He is making your PND worse and he has no time for anyone other than his own self. What does he do for anyone, he does not even feed or look after his children because his phone takes priority. You do it all. He giving you spaghetti head is also par for the course in such unhealthy relationships also. I also think you would be able to think a lot more clearly if he was not about day to day.

How would you describe his treatment of you if not abusive?. What is your own definition of abuse here?. What he is showing you here is not love nor loving actions. He calls your son stupid, your son has transferred that to school and has got into trouble for it.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and yours taught you poorly.

Your home is not a happy one and he is the root cause as to why this is what it is now. It’s not you, it’s him and you cannot rescue what really is a poor relationship here on your own. Is this really what you want to teach your kids about relationships, for this to become their lives as adults too?

So not it’s not you, it’s him. He is the root cause of all this here.