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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Breaking my heart

9 replies

Solitaryradiator · 30/09/2019 16:27

After a long marriage my husband has decided he wants us to split as he’s not happy in the relationship.

He’s been staying in the house whilst we sort logistics out but soon we need to tell our almost 5 year old that it’s happening and it’s breaking my heart. We don’t argue, we get on, we do family things, she adores her Dad, she has no friends with separated parents....there are no positives for her and I just don’t know what to say to make it all ok.

Every time I think about it I cry...any advice

OP posts:

litterbird · 30/09/2019 16:43

There are no winners in this situation so you have to put it to her as straight as possible. "Mummy and Daddy love you very, very much but Daddy is going to live somewhere else now and you will be able to see him lots and perhaps you can choose a new room and you can help Daddy decorate it together." Are you strong enough to take her over to the place he is living at the moment and be there together to show her where Daddy is staying for a while so she sees you are still one unit but not living together? I just want you to know it does work out if you want it to. My partner and I separated not far from my daughters 5th. We both worked hard as parents to co parent her. Fast forward to her 21st birthday this year. I asked her what she wanted to do on her birthday. She wanted me to cook at my house and have her Dad, his wife, and their 2 young sons (her half brothers) over for dinner. It was a magical evening and her Dads wife helped me in the kitchen whilst the boys and my daughter played with their dad. We worked hard over the years to remain a tight unit even when he married his lovely wife and have 2 boys.

Original poster

Solitaryradiator · 30/09/2019 17:05

Thanks for the words of encouragement and positive story @litterbird.

He’s not moved out yet, we’re waiting to tell her until just before he does otherwise she won’t get it. I would be able to go there with her that’s a good idea.

I hate him for doing this to her....

OP posts:

tinyvulture · 30/09/2019 17:23

I too separated when my dd was about 5. It was tough to begin with but my ex and I co-parent very well together, and are both with new partners and much happier, and dd is happy, which is the most important thing. Good luck - I feel for you so much - but you will get through this. Xxx

beenwhereyouare · 30/09/2019 18:29

nobigotsallowed · 30/09/2019 19:38

Oh, I'm so sorry OP.

I know it must feel like life will never be the same again and no, it won't exactly, but you will be happy again. I don't think you're ready for litterbirds story yet, although it's lovely and I know exactly where they're coming from. I can definitely relate. Right now though, don't think too far ahead. You just need time to adjust and it may take a while.

Focus on making the transition as smooth as possible for your dd, but also, make sure you look after yourself.

Do you have much rl support?

Original poster

Solitaryradiator · 30/09/2019 20:25

Yes thank you, I’m getting lots of family and friends support. They’re all happily married though!

OP posts:

Dinks66 · 30/09/2019 21:59

I separated when my DD was 5/6. She's 9 now and can't remember us living together. She spends equal amount of time with each of us. We live in the same village and have always put her first. She doesn't seem to have been traumatised by us separating at all. I just wanted you to hear, that things often turn out ok.
We did have tears initially and all went shopping for her to choose new bedroom curtains and duvet...etc. She loved her new bedroom, the fact that she gets 2 birthdays and 2 lots of christmas presents! I think excellent communication and a lack of bitterness between you and your ex goes a long way to make sure that your child is ok. It will be ok.

crappyday2018 · 30/09/2019 22:12

Hi OP, I split up from ex when mine were 9 and 3. The youngest was probably a bit young to understand so he seemed ok although he became a bit unsettled at bedtimes. The oldest understood a bit more and was probably slightly more sad about it but they have both adapted brilliantly and now its just normal life, living with me and spending time at their dads. They also don't really have friends with separated parents but this hasn't been an issue. Kids are very resilient. As long as you both carry on being good parents you have nothing to worry about.

LanternLighter · 30/09/2019 22:28

I hated the thought that my children would have divorced parents and everything that comes along with that and was very angry as it wasn’t my decision and definitely not what I would ever have chosen.
Nearly a year later and we are all absolutely fine and settled. Children adapt much quicker than adults, they just accept and get on with it.
You will both do great and probably be even happier than you have been x

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