Sexual abuse as a child

[Maytember]

Not sure where to begin with this. I’m currently in counselling following a relationship breakdown and a lot of stress. Some issues are coming up from my past.

When I was around six or seven years old my brother sexually abused me, I believe. I don’t feel totally sure on this due to us both being children at the time (he is around 6 years older than me) and also it’s something that I had sort of forgotten about for a very long time. But recently I keep thinking about it. It was just two incidents that I remember.

Once in his bed and was him touching me, but he was quite forceful as well. The other time that I remember I was in the bath and he was washing me, then he said we have to clean your private’s and he pushed a bar of soap into my privates. I have never told anybody about these incidents and I thought it wasn’t affecting me but lately I keep thinking about it.

Something else that happened when I was a little bit younger was that I heard my father rape my mother. I don’t know if this is related but now I worry that there could have been more sexual abuse in my family and other siblings that we don’t know about.

I'm sorry to hear this OP. Try having a chat with NAPAC. They might be able to advise you.

OP, I'm so sorry to hear that these things happened to you, and when you were so young 💐
When children experience traumatic events which are too overwhelming to process they often cope by dissociating and this can become a default way of coping with traumatic events later in life making you somewhat dysfunctional as an adult.
It sounds as if you recognise that you need professional help, do you feel that your counsellor is someone that you can trust and confide in?

Thank you for replying. I do feel like it may be causing issues in my relationships now as an adult. I lost my virginity at age 14 to a 30 year old man and although I didn’t consider that as rape, I do feel that he pushed me into it and now looking back as an adult I think it’s disgusting. About 6 months after that I was raped whilst unconscious by an even older man. Since then I have had a few serious relationships but they have never been very healthy and they never last. I can’t think of any positive relationships with a man in my life.

I like my counsellor and I’m thinking about trying to talk about these things but I’m not sure if I would be brave enough to say it all out loud. Typing it here is the most I have ever admitted.

Maytem,
Please try and understand that none of this was your fault, you have been the victim of sexual predators, what they did to you was despicable.
It is very normal to find it very difficult to speak about these types of things but you have been severely wronged and you deserve a chance to properly heal from these attacks on you.
Could you perhaps tell the therapist that you have been the victim of sexual predators but you find it very difficult to speak about what happened?
Or is there another phrase or way of putting things that you feel able to say out loud, or even write on paper?

That’s good advice, I did think about texting her before a session but it seems like a lot to send through text. I will see how our next session goes and try my best to open up. It’s strange because when I hear about similar things happening to other people I know that it is wrong, but when I think about what has happened to me I sort of justify it in a way?!

OP so sorry to hear what you have been through and thank you for trusting us to hear you.
Please don't text your therapist NOT because of any other reason than if she/he doesn't get it/is in a meeting/ can't reply then it may bring up so many things for you, this is a way of looking out for you and your therapist may not be in that moment (whilst not in your session) able to hold or support you.
You could write a letter/note and give it to her/him at some point during your session or just knowing you have it on you to give at some point, you could add you don't know how to talk or even print off this thread.
Remember your sessions are for you and you dictate how they go and what you bring.
Good luck.

Thank you for your reply. I had thought I could text her the morning of our session so that we could then hopefully talk it through, but I don’t know if that’s the best idea. I think I will see how our session goes this week. It just feels like a lot to come out with when I’ve never spoken about any of it really, and part of me feels like she won’t believe me or might judge me. Which is probably stupid, she’s a counsellor so I’m sure she’s heard that sort of stuff before. I also don’t know if it will help, or if anything will change as a result of me telling her??

The way you feel about these things is very common with people who have been through what you've been through but you have been traumatised and it's difficult to think clearly and rationally.
I agree with Selfishcrab about writing on a piece of paper and taking it with you rather than texting in advance.
I completely get that it feels like a lot to come out with but therapists are very used to dealing with these sorts of things 🤗

@Maytember If you are unsure how to talk about this to your therapist you could try Connect Counselling, they are a team of specially train therapists that deal with childhood abuse, the service is free and they do counselling over the phone. You can opt for a once off phone in session or arrange a weekly time to speak with a specific therapist to help you. Each session is approximately 30 mins.

I found them to be very helpful when I was ready to speak about my childhood sexual abuse experience, they were very insightful and I found it easier to speak to someone on the phone rather than face to face.

They have a website with contact numbers at connectcounselling.ie/
they cover UK, Northern Ireland and republic of Ireland too. Best of luck

Maytember I have had the same experience with a brother and he was 6 years older than me. I know I was under 10, but I have blocked so effectively that I only have a couple of snapshots. I've never really talked about it. My dh does know and I told my mother in my early 20s - had a sort or crisis moment when trying to support a friend dealing with mental health issues.
My issue is my parents treat my brother as if nothing has happened. I don't think they believed me. I rarely see him.

I'd start with mentioning your brother to the counsellor. When I had my crisis I did see a counsellor and mentioned my brother, but I basically cried for an hour and didn't go back. I don't think I'll ever deal with it as I've pushed it down so well that I can't remember much at all and I even doubt my own memories.

Just go for it with the counsellor.

Hi OP.
My situation was similar to yours a few years back. I was raped when I was young and following a long term relationship breakdown it all came to the surface.
Memories I had suppressed for over 14 years came flooding back and I had a breakdown.
That event totally traumatised me but not how some have experienced (ie flashbacks, panic attacks) mine was in the form of sleep insomnia but not understanding why. Mega fight response. Unhealthy relationships as I deemed myself as worthless so my partners would reflect how I felt about myself.
I completely went off the rails at that time but at the time didn’t understand why.

Anyway, I had never received any counselling about that specific event (it was always the elephant in the room) as I literally couldn’t verbalise it: the pain it brought me to even THINK about talking about it made me physically sick.
I worked with a therapist who wasn’t trained in sexual violence (at the time I didn’t know) who tried some form of replaying the event. That was even more traumatic as I was asked to replay the event thus traumatising myself all over again!

When I then found an agency specifically for sexual violence this really helped. They understood why I felt angry, no boundaries, shitty men, low self worth etc. But I still couldn’t verbalise it. So I wrote it down. In the safety of my home, I tore myself apart with all I remembered (only half as I disassociated during the event) in a letter. Then I left it with my therapist.
The relief that brought that I could finally give this pain to someone but not have to say it out loud.
It actually really helped as from there I began talking about it bit by bit totally unaware of doing so.

Everything you’ve said is totally normal surrounding sexual violence so please be kind to yourself. Such events leave us feeling powerless and often mute to how we can even begin to tell someone.
So that’s an option.
I personally wouldn’t do a text as you never know who may read it. X

Thank you so much for all of your replies. It really means a lot. This is something I have always carried with me so it is a relief to open up a little bit, even if it’s anonymous. I will definitely look into contacting the services mentioned, I think over the phone or by letter will be an easier way to get it out. At counselling this week I talked a bit about my childhood and my relationships with my parents but I didn’t get specific.

What terrifies me is the thought of telling my parents and them not believing me or trying to defend him. I believe my father would take my brother’s side, no doubt. But I don’t know about my mum. I can’t imagine her taking it well, and I feel like it could cause a divide in the family with me being left on the outside. Terrifying. But also part of me feels that I should voice it, especially considering my brother now has daughters. I don’t know if he would ever hurt them in the same way?

There is no easy way to deal with the situation, if you speak out your parents will probably not be able to cope and may well try to blame you, this will be very traumatizing for you.
I think it is certainly possible that your brother could be a danger to children.
Does your counsellor list child sexual abuse as one of the areas that he or she she is experienced in dealing with?
I really would suggest that you have the support of a good therapist if you decide to broach this with your parents.

@Maytember
I can understand how this is a really difficult concept to grasp regarding if anyone would believe you, but the first step to making it real is to admit it and work with it.

My daughter (9 at the time) disclosed last May that she was being sexually abused by her uncle (my brother). Throughout this last year I had most of my family turn their back on us as I obviously reported to the police. He was found guilty on 3 charges of sexual abuse with a child and was sentenced to 4 years.
It was the most horrific year of my life but as a mother I stood by my daughter 100% and believed her from the minute she told me. I know not everyone survivor has that support system, but only YOU know the truth.
Don’t let others distort your truth. X

Mum2, I was your 9-year old daughter I disclosed to my mother at about the same age that I had been sexually abused by her brother, she did nothing, she said nothing, it was never ever mentioned again.
I brought it up again as an adult and was attacked by the whole family, no one denied that it happened but they all protected the abuser, I was advised not to go to the police because it wouldn't be fair to cause trouble for him.

@Ulterego I’m sorry that happened to you.
It pains me when I hear that others parent weren’t able to support them. My mother was terrible at supporting me through my own sexual assault. I try my hardest to not be like her.
My parents both sided with the abuser. I haven’t forgiven them. Don’t think I ever could. But I have a very distant relationship with my mum.

I firmly believe that no child would ever lie about such a thing & it takes so much courage for speaking out. I am in awe of my daughters strength for telling me and watching her flourish everyday x

Siding with the abuser against your own child seems unfathomable and yet it is common, I will never forgive them either.
Going through this with your daughter must have been terrible for you Mum2, you had her back, you did the right thing and faced down the weak despicable bullies who tried to intimidate you.
Respect and power to you

I’m so sorry to hear both of your stories. Such an awful situation to be in.

ulterego do you have relationships with your family now?

I have no relationship with my family of origin

Been through very similar. My brother is nc with my family now. Mum believes me and is supportive. I was too scared to tell when I was a child. I'm currently having EMDR with a very good therapist and am working through all my trauma. It's getting better and my anxiety is starting to recede.

Mabel, I have also recently engaged the services of a therapist who practices EMDR, I would be very interested to hear of your experiences if you feel able to share at all?
Right now I am working to try and recall more details about what happened obviously this is uncomfortable but I also feel strongly that i want to know what actually happened to me.
Some time ago I went to see a hypnotherapist and under hypnosis I indicated that the abuse started when I was extremely young, around 2 years old, this was profoundly shocking to me