Contact/No Contact

[Salvatore]

Hi. I am currently trying to have no contact with my ex. We had been in contact for a few weeks after the break up and it was just hurting too much so i decided to go no contact. Well limited as we have children. Does no contact work? He has reached out a few times to ask about seeing the children and sometimes adds a and how are you to the end, i feel like hes just being polite? This time though he did it the other way around. He asked about me and then said and how are they. Could this mean anything? I havent replied yet as i feel like i should make him wait abit so as he doesnt think im sitting aroind doing nothing waiting to hear from him

No Contact is designed to give you space to recover from a relationship without your feelings being stirred up by contact with someone you still have feelings for.

It isn't a game or a tactic to get someone back, although it's touted as that by some 'relationship advisors'.

True No Contact also involves a wilful effort to not give the ex head-space - so not allowing yourself to ruminate over things such as text messages and the meaning or not of being on social media. It is the fast-track to recovery and healing - but only if it's done all-in.

Some people think they are No Contact when they are No Response - which relies on willpower and always fails, because no-one's will power lasts forever. Others think they are no contact when they spend their entire time obsessing over the ex even though they haven't physically been in contact. Neither of those is helpful.

It sounds like you haven't accepted it is over. That's the first step.

No response? Do you mean that the other person isnt replying? I have not tried to contact him at all myself. He has contacted me first and i have not replied as of yet. And i never mentioned anything about being on or not being on social media. Someone asked me if he still had me on there and i answered

And we cant be in true no contact as we have children so we are always going to be a part of eachothers lives

Set up a schedule for when he can see the kids, and co tact time regarding them specifically. Although you clearly don't want NC if you're looking for him to beg and dissecting f s message to this degree. If you're genuinely concerned about his mental health, then get him to see someone. Trying to make him beg and work for it coming home if you genuinely feel he is not in a good place with MH issues seems wrong.

OP my heart is weeping for you. I was just as stupid once. Exactly like this. Please don't be me. Please listen to other posters. Only communicate with him about the children, nothing else. No engaging in "how are you"s. The longer you are involved the more pain you will go through. Stop musing about his fucking mental health. He left you. He doesn't want to be with you. For whatever goddamn reason. The essence is that he doesnt want to be with you. He showed it with his actions by leaving. Just take it at face value and start detaching, now.

If you really believe he is ill, why would you want to make him beg and squirm?

Im not getting him to beg for anything. If he doesnt want to come back he doesnt want to. Thats not to say i dont want him to. But if he was to decide he wanted to then he would have to put in the work to make it happen. We couldnt just pick back up where we left off. Regardless of the reason he left. I am genuinely concerned for his health as i know how he gets. He gets inside his own head, and lets others get in his head and decides that its best for everyone around if he takes himself out of the equation. He makes himself sick with stress and worry because he builds things up to be something that they are not and then becomes overwhelmed and gets angry at himself for getting that way

I dont want to make him beg and squirm at all but he has to know that even if it is his mental health that has caused him to leave that he cant just send a text and ill go running. It doesnt work like that. We arent together anymore so he has to realise that i am not at his beck and call anymore and he cant just pick me up and drop me again and again

OP you are the only one who knows him truly. He left for his mental health. Its time to make sure your mental health is good too. Ruminating over a text as to whether he asks if you are ok at the beginning of a sentence or at the end is just making you crazy. I would make sure you have visitation times and dates sorted out immediately, get matter of fact about it and stick to it rather than texting back and forth about dates and times. He has left you and you are picking up the pieces. He may or may not return. There is no crystal ball. Deal with the "now". He has gone and you need to sort yourself and your children out. Keep low contact as no contact can't work with children. Don't make yourself available. You have a new life to build now without him.

He has only seen them once since the break up. His choice. He knows he can see them whenever he wants. He has said that he thinks its best that hes not around them at the moment with the way his head is. He also said when he left that he felt like any decision he made to leave would probably be the wrong one

Do you want him back? If so, don't play games.

I do. And im not playing games. This is why im on here because i dont know what to do for the best

Aren't you the poster that has had numerous posts deleted by Mumsnet? And you're actually the OW but are now pretending to be the dumped ex?

No! I have most definitely been dumped! And left to pick up the pieces with our children!

@Sausageroll123 she is. She's posted as multiple different people.

I'm really not!

@JorisBonson I thought so

Oh dear, OP. Can I suggest maybe going to talk to someone?

Okay Sweetie, these are 3 pieces of relationship advice.

1. You can't force someone to love you.

2.The only persons behaviour you can control is your own. 3.The only person that can make you truly happy is yourself.

Love yourself more.
Stay low contact, only speak about the children.. Again, Love yourself more.

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