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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feeling a bit down after end of relationship

17 replies

Jblueefc · 30/09/2019 08:50

So looong story, my back ground is I’m a full time dad of two boys, they have no contact with their mum and are 13 and 18. I work full time and do well tbh, own home etc. So I have had a bit of a hectic year, I’ve had relationships in the past that never worked out mostly due to the fact my partners have had mental health issues and things just didn’t work out. So I met a woman last year through POF, like a breath of fresh air, we seemed to have things in common and we had the same look on love etc. We had been together a year last week, our circumstances are that she also has children, 4 of them, plus she has uni and although 3 of her children are older teenagers, she’s also got a young boy of 3. So getting quality time together was difficult, we literally seen each other 1-2 times a week. We have been on and off during the relationship as it’s quite stressful, one of her kids is autistic too, so there is a quite a lot of drama, plus I’ve recently found out she has fibromyalgia which can bring its issues. She is a nice person though and we enjoy each other’s company. About 3 months ago, my cousin got in contact who was living in South Africa, his visa had expedited years ago, however he had been living there for 13 years. Before he left for South Africa he was caught drunk driving and gave false details to the police and never attended court. So during our conversation he has admitted he would like to come home, so my mistake I agreed he could stay with me. So he came home the day before I was going on holiday for two weeks, he was arrested at the airport and taken to court. He was very misleading saying he didn’t know what his judgement was, unusual but then admitted he was being put on tag for 2 months and a driving ban of 2 years. It transpires he was lying and was actually 3 months tag, so not a good start. During the holiday about a week in, I organised him getting work through a friend. I came back from holiday and he hadn’t taken my friend up on his offer, I couldn’t believe it. Ever really he did take up the offer and continued to work. Now he didn’t drink through the week, it would come in close to 7pm on a Friday and had would be drinking. 6 weeks ago I arranged that he would be moving out st the beginning of October as this is when he is off the tag. So Friday night he comes in, a little drunk, so having banter I’ve said he looked drunk, laughing. He took an attitude and started doing like a drunk walk as if he was being asked to walk a line from a police officer. So things got heated and in the end I’ve had to ask him to leave, so he packed his things and left, I don’t know where he went, no thanks from him, nothing. So I text my girl to say basically I’m pissed off and to explain the situation, and to tell her I wasn’t happy in the relationship as it stands because we don’t see each other, she took offence and instead of asking how we could improve things, she took the defensive line, said I won’t hear from her anymore and blocked my number on WhatsApp. I’m 39 and she’s 37, so we are supposed to be mature at this age, so anyway, just had a really hectic weekend, feel all kinds of emotion, guilty because I asked my cousin to leave, a bit down over the relationship ending, just needed to get it off my chest as I don’t have many people I can talk too

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2019 09:07

So she has 4 children to look after.
One who is 3 and another who is autistic.
She already manages to see you twice a week and you told her it wasn't enough!?
Sorry but I'd have blocked you as well.
What did you want?
To move in together?
She has a lot on her plate.
You cannot make those kinds of demands when you are angry, via messenger!
That deserved a proper sit down conversation, not what you did.
This woman isn't for you.
She can't magic extra time out of thin air.
Find someone who can commit more to you if that's what you are looking for.

You did the right thing with your cousin so stop feeling guilty about that.

Lozzerbmc · 30/09/2019 09:09

Sorry you’re feeling down. You’ve done the right thing with your cousin in getting rid of him. You tried to help him, he didnt appreciate it so dont help him again. He has his chance. Blood is not always thicker than water in my experience. Also you have 2 boys and your cousin could make a bad impression on them. Re the relationship - quite a reaction from her ! Could it have been the way you approached it - you may have been wound up by your cousin which came across in your conversation with her?

Lozzerbmc · 30/09/2019 09:10

Also she does have a lot to deal with in her day to day life and mums always put themselves last. She is probably struggling to keep the plates spinning !

Jblueefc · 30/09/2019 09:58

Yeah I totally understand we don’t get much time to see each other, I’m not passing a negative comment about the kids, I love the kids they are lovely all of them. An yes I agree I could of approached it better but like you have said I was wound up about my cousin. I felt like I was constantly being an emotional sponge when it came to her, but felt I could t off load on her because I didn’t want to give her anymore stress, I try and stay quite positive. I’ve made the effort to see her as much as I can but my time was limited aswell, I work long hours and have my two boys to think of, I try my best to have a sit down family meal with them each night. I feel guilty when I’m not with them so try my best to integrate the families but my youngest is quite shy. I’ve heloed her out as much as I can picking her youngest up and taking him out so she can have free time, yeah I’m not perfect but been quite stressed and I shouldn’t of whatsapped her, but sometimes you just want someone to listen to you and it react in a defensive way. Just take some of the heat off me and tell me chill it will be alright, I don’t ask for much. Just feels like I don’t get much back

OP posts:
ravenmum · 30/09/2019 10:20

Sounds a bit like your stress over your cousin might have leaked out into other parts of your life - making you feel bad about your relationship when normally you might not have even been bothered at the lack of time?

Next time you're stressed, maybe go on MN and have a rant first and then contact your gf when you've calmed down a bit! It's nice if your partner can comfort you, but you're an adult, so you can bear some of the burden yourself, rather than offloading it all straight onto her. She has 4 children already...

You describe her as defensive, but now you sound a little defensive, too. "I'm not perfect but" is not an admission that maybe you could have handled things a bit better. It's a quick tag to preface a list of reasons why what you did was OK. Maybe your feelings of guilt make it hard for you to admit to your faults and simply apologise and move on? (Or I may just be projecting there Grin)

You can be as firm as you want with your cousin, in any case; you did him a big favour, that's already more than many would.

ravenmum · 30/09/2019 10:21

If it really is over, though - well, that gives you the chance to have a relationship with someone who does actually have more time, as you would like. That's a good thing.

Musti · 30/09/2019 10:27

She has 4 kids, goes to uni, one of her children is autistic and one a 3 year old. She simply doesn't have the time and I'm sure she's as frustrated as you but she can't magic any more time up.

You need to decide if you're ok with that or look for someone with fewer responsibilities.

Jblueefc · 30/09/2019 11:18

Well I’ve reached out, she’s responded to say, she doesn’t think she loves me anymore, so it just proves it’s not right, I can’t fall in and out of love with someone so easily. Not as if there was any massive drama, in the text I sent her on Friday I messed up coz I was angry and basically said I was done. Instead of explaining myself, I should is told her I missed her and just not seeing each other to make love it too spend quality time together to build the relationship. It was basically a relationship via text all the time, we spoke on the phone too but every time we did it was constant interruptions from the kids so we couldn’t really even talk that way. It’s been a year and nothing has improved, I was trying to learn about fibro but tbh, she is sick every other week so it’s too up and down, we have different parenting skills aswell and although I would look over her faults and try and be positive as soon as I have a rant, it’s over and no contact to the point she’s said we can’t even be friends

OP posts:
ravenmum · 30/09/2019 11:28

I don't think you can complain that she's too quick to end it, if actually you ended it yourself on Friday.

For your next relationship, maybe look for someone whose kids have already flown the nest or can look after themselves. And at the same time, work out some means of getting a couple of days off from the kids yourself. What with being a full-time single dad and this business with your cousin, it's no wonder if you're stressed. But you need to sort that out.

I see my bf a couple of days a week and we are both very happy with the arrangement. It's been 3 years now, we have no plans to change. If it doesn't work for you, then fair enough - but if that's what she wants, then you can't complain either I'm afraid.

NameChangeNugget · 30/09/2019 11:31

She sounds unsuitable for what you want. Don’t force a square peg into a round hole, find someone who’s lower maintenance

Jblueefc · 30/09/2019 12:06

Things haven’t been right for a long time, suppose you just get lonely at times and try and force things when I should look at the reality of it. We have different thoughts on parenting I’m quite a positive person and would sort of over look the bad and praise the good, always seems to work with kids and I had a really good relationship with her kids, even the autism wa supposed to be non verbal, he always spoke to me. She’s cut me out of her life before for trying to have banter with her. I’ve got to laugh coz she’s sent me a text saying I need to love meself before I can love another, she has a lot of insecurities, gets Botox and her lips done, haven’t even seen her naked because she has a hang up over her stretch marks which I have no problem with btw

OP posts:
ravenmum · 30/09/2019 12:12

There are women who are into banter and appreciate an outsider telling them how to parent? 😂
Let it end nicely: even if you feel she hasn't appreciated you, rise above it, treat her well and it'll be better for everyone.

Jblueefc · 30/09/2019 12:19

I didn’t tell her how to parent haha, would never do that, she’s done a great job. Just things needed improvement on how she would react sometimes to the kids, but I would lead by example and not criticise. It will all go well it’s just a person who isn’t in my life anymore, she’s taught me a lot to, shame we can’t remain friends I’m mature enough to have a friendship when a relationship has ended if it hasn’t ended badly but she doesn’t feel the same so I’ll respect that.

OP posts:
donethinkin · 30/09/2019 13:00

Why are you taking up with somebody who has university, 4 kids and all that time pressure stuff? That makes no sense to me. Why don’t you pick somebody more suitable? That’s a bit weird to be honest. You also seem to be getting involved with all sorts of drama. Bit strange and OTT. All that stuff with your cousin. Why even go there? You seem to be a bit of a drama lama and it’s probably put her right off as it would most people. Try and get your life sorted before trying to date and stay away from complicated people and weird drama. That cousin stuff wtf? Let him sort himself out! It reads like a bad episode of Eastenders!!

CousinKrispy · 30/09/2019 13:11

Patting yourself on the back for how much more mature you are than someone else usually doesn't indicate maturity ;-) just banter!

But, I agree with others, you need to find someone who has more free time available rather than having such a full-on life if that's what you want.

hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2019 13:23

She’s cut me out of her life before for trying to have banter
I fucking hate that word!
It's a word used to people can be cruel with the cover up of it being funny 'banter'
How old are you OP?

Jblueefc · 01/10/2019 13:53

Banter indicates using words in a laughing way, not intentionally trying to hurt someone, sometimes taking the piss out of each other lightens the mood nothing hurtful. I’m 39, not into drama just wanted to help my cousin, I didn’t know he was going to bring all that to my home, I wouldn’t intentionally bring drama to my door. I fell in love with the girl no matter her circumstances, she is a nice person. However it’s not right between us, I need to work on myself I know that, I need to learn how to communicate better too, I’ll get there one day

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