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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp thinks I've cheated

23 replies

flowerpower82 · 30/09/2019 05:12

This is a bit of an odd situation. I have been away in Australia for 3 weeks with work (will be here 5 weeks in total). Dp just arrived yesterday and is joining me for the final two weeks (final week is pure holiday). Two friends joined me for one week during the second week I was here. We had a couple of nights out during that time but I never exceeded drinking more than 3 glasses of wine during the night.

Dp is jetlagged today so just been doing a bit of cleaning for me where he has discovered part of a torn condom wrapper.

This is not mine! I'm staying in a nice Airbnb, however this must be a cleaning issue. I did note that the bathroom bin hadn't been emptied on my arrival either, which I have relayed to my dp. I think he believes me but he says it is highly suspicious and is bummed out. I feel bad but I've literally done nothing wrong! I've been like a sloth the past couple of weeks just working during the day and binging TV in the evening and we have spoken every day.

OP posts:
donethinkin · 30/09/2019 05:35

You’ve explained and I’ve stayed in airbnb where I’ve found drugs stuff under the sofa so yes it’s possible. Don’t let his mistrust ruin what should be an amazing experience. You’re in Australia! For gods sakes woman go out and enjoy it. Don’t let a bummed out BF ruin it. If he’s not happy he can go check into a hotel. Why are you sitting in watching TV! Go out and see the sights! You get one life and you’re currently doing something a lot of us would give our right arm for!

Shoxfordian · 30/09/2019 05:45

He doesn't seem to trust you
How long have you been together?
Has he been distrustful of you before?

CupoTeap · 30/09/2019 06:23

If I were him it would make me suspicious, wouldn't it you?

Original poster
flowerpower82 · 30/09/2019 06:26

Yes it would that's exactly what he said to me and he's right! We've been together 8 years. Just such a weird situation.

OP posts:
ltk · 30/09/2019 06:30

I think it is natural to be suspicious in those circumstances. Talk it through with him. Why is he unwilling to accept your explanation? It's really vital that you trust each other and there is no other evidence of you cheating.

NameChangeNugget · 30/09/2019 07:17

If you flipped this, what would your reaction be?

CupoTeap · 30/09/2019 07:28

Hopefully it's just that shock reaction and it will fade pretty quickly

DamnaThatOnesTaken · 30/09/2019 08:04

I think all you can do is reassure him. Anyone would be suspicious here. Hopefully you are able to move past it swiftly.

ShatnersWig · 30/09/2019 08:18

Perfectly understandable reaction. How long it will take for things to go back to normal is hard to say. Yes, there's a perfectly reasonable alternative reason for it being there. But that doubt has been sewn and may take some time before it fully clears off. You will need to roll with it. If you get arsey with him, you'll look guilty even though you're not.

Sionna47 · 30/09/2019 08:22

Disagree- not 'anyone' would be suspicious here. People need to stop normalising distrust in relationships and saying stuff like 'everyone would react that way'. If I found some kind of sex paraphernalia in a place my spouse was staying I'd be horrified that we need to get out of that filthy place. It would never even occur to me to suspect my spouse of cheating and vice versa, because we trust each other implicitly. This isn't to say that I believe in some kind of fairy tale magic that makes relationship problems go away- we very well might not 'stay together forever' or grow apart later or want to not be with each other someday. But if that happens, we will andle it with respect and care for each other, and if our relationship is to come to an end because one of us wants to be with someone else, we would always come to each other before anything happened and disclose this, and break up rather than cheat. Because we have trust. So no, it's not normal to suspect your partner of cheating automatically, and even less normal to keep being 'bummed' if/when your partner says nothing has happened. Ask yourself what kind of relationship you want to be in.

Musti · 30/09/2019 08:22

Were your friends a couple or did they bring anyone back?

I think all you can do is tell him that you understand why he would be suspicious but it has nothing to do with you and you can't do anything but reassure him that you're innocent.

Jesse70 · 30/09/2019 08:24

All u can do is keep telling him u have not cheated and that u have no reason to
Unfortunately u can't prove it was there before hand so he is going to have to trust u
But yeah I would assume the worst also in his situation
Hopefully he can get over it
Damn air bnb

Ringdonna · 30/09/2019 08:26

Different responses than whenna woman finds s condom wrapper Hmm

Totalwasteofpaper · 30/09/2019 08:36

He is jet lagged have a sit down a cup of tea and talk it out.

Most people would need/want reassurance in a situation like this.

Try to unpack it now so you can enjoy your holiday

ShatnersWig · 30/09/2019 08:42

Sionna If this was a female posting that she'd met up with her husband in a hotel or BnB where he is working and she'd found a condom wrapper and she'd accused him of cheating, 97% of responses on here would be to trust her gut and not believe him. I see no reason why it should be any different when it's the other way around.

SherbetSaucer · 30/09/2019 08:57

I this this highlights deeper issues in your relationship.

Sionna47 · 30/09/2019 10:23

ShatnersWig yes, and? My point is that distrust in relationships is not a standard we should accept either way. My point is of relationships in any situation, regardless of the gender dynamic of who finds what. If you're with a man and you find condom wrappers and you immediately assume that he's cheating then you DON'T TRUST YOUR PARTNER! And that's for each individual to negotiate, if that's the kind of relationship they want to be in. Again, my point is that people being with people they don't trust is not a normal relationship standard and should not be portrayed as such.

Also, great username by the way 🤣

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/09/2019 11:02

The trouble is, Sionna47 that most people trust their partners, right up until the time that something happens. You don't go into a relationship thinking 'oh, they'll probably cheat, it's just a question of when'. Most people are knocked sideways by the revelation that their lovely, loyal, adored partner has cheated. And nobody knows how they will react or feel until it happens.

I think consistency will be your saving, OP. If you are always reliable and give no other cause for doubt, then hopefully your DP will rationalise this incident away.

YouAreTheEggManIAmTheWalrus · 30/09/2019 13:26

It does seem a bit suspicious from his perspective especially as you've been there 3 weeks and not noticed it. Strange that he automatically leapt to that conclusion though without giving you the benefit of the doubt. Has either of you cheated on each other in the past? I don't know how you convince him of your innocence because you've no proof either way. But if you can work out why he's so quick to accuse then perhaps you can work out the best way forward. I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who flat out accused me of cheating based on part of a condom wrapper found in an Airbnb that's for sure!

Sionna47 · 30/09/2019 13:28

While this is true (about it coming as a shock and knocking you sideways) that's when something has actually happened (I.e. you've actually caught them cheating or they've told you they've cheated). I'm not saying trust can't be broken, but for cheating to break the trust cheating has to actually occur! If you don't trust your partner before they've given you any reason for trust to be broken, and if you find random things 'suspicious' when it has nothing to do with your partners past behaviour (i.e. they've given you no reason to disbelieve then in the past) then you just don't trust them. The issue here is that trust is a faith-based exercise. You have to have it without proof or evidence, simply because you believe the best about your partner and believe that they love you as much as you love them. If you go into a relationship without a foundation of that, then to me at least, there's no point.

Bit we digress. This is now miles from the original point OP made.

Cherrypicker01 · 30/09/2019 14:03

Awh no what a difficult situation I feel bad for both of you! I’d probably be the same if I was your DP. Can you show him this thread for piece of mind maybe? It might help him ease that worry

Ariela · 30/09/2019 14:36

Different responses than when a woman finds a condom wrapper Hmm

Except this was PART of a wrapper. Where is the rest of the wrapper? Where is the condom itself?

ShadowOnTheSun · 30/09/2019 15:01

I'm fully with husband and I'd be suspicious.

I'm a very upfront person and expect the same from my partner. I explained all this to my ex-husband pretty much as soon as we met. Later in the relationship, I asked him one thing and one thing only: whatever happens, just please don't treat me like a fool and don't lie. If you fall out of love with me/meet someone else, just please tell me. We agreed and I fully trusted him.

Similar thing to OP's happened to us. I found something I wasn't supposed to find. He calmed me down, explained everything and I believed him.

Turned out he lied to my face, cheated on me with multiple women and prostitutes and at the very same time he was explaining the 'situation' he had not one, but several OW.

Divorced him straight away. And I'm not going to be so blind, naive and stupid as I once was.

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