Advice on dealing with a codependent relationship

[MissB83]

I have a very weird and unhealthy codependent relationship with my son's father. We essentially keep making each other miserable. I know that the relationship is very unhealthy so I don't need advice on the ins and outs of whether we should stay together. But does anyone have advice on staying away and keeping away from someone who an unhealthy (even toxic) influence but who keeps drawing you back in?! I used to go to SAA and feel like it might be connected to love addiction/need for validation so if anyone is familiar with this stuff then please speak up!

The first step is to be brutally honest with yourself about what it is that the relationship is giving you. It may be that the drama makes you feel alive or makes you feel important. It may be that you need to feel that you are important to someone and you will do anything at all to carry on being that important. It may be that you only feel comfortable when someone is being awful to you because you feel you are only worthy of hate. It may be that you need to feel morally superior in order to feel better about yourself.

You need to find this reason in yourself and really have a good long look at it. It won't be nice and it won't be flattering, which is why you need to have a really good look at it, no excuses. You need to be honest.

You need to understand that the only person drawing you back in is yourself and that the above, what you have seen and now admitted to yourself, is the reason why.

When you see this need in yourself and see the way you feed it in this relationship, then at those moments you will be a little bit free of it. You will have to keep looking and being honest and bit by bit the spell will be broken. Just like working against an addiction, it is hard work.

You may just need to go cold turkey though.

Great advice @haffiana. Are you a therapist?

No contact (or extremely low contact as you have a child together) would probably be the only thing to break the cycle.
There are co-da groups to help break your pattern of relationship behaviour, before you get a new partner!

@Haffiana amazing advice thank you!!

I would have a look at childhood patterns. Were your parents codependent, is it familiar to you?
Also have a look at narcissist/sociopath/psychopath and codependent relationships. Typically a narcissist will choose an empath/HSP for a codependent relationship.
I know, as i was in a codependent relationship with a narcissist for 18 years and I followed my parents unhealthy abusive template.
I am having to do a lot of unravelling from codependency myself.
Do you have low self esteem/ self confidence. After living with a narcissist for 18 years, I became a shadow of my former self. But i am trying to heal myself.
Please go No contact, or with children it is Low contact/Grey rock.
Good luck.
You are receiving good advice from other MN Users.

@lexiepuppy great suggestion, I had a look at a couple of articles regarding narcissists and codependents and definitely recommend my ex and I in that scenario depressing but at least I'm getting a clearer picture.

I'm also in the same situation as you....it's so hard to stay away when they say all the right things

@sallynoballs he paints a lovely picture of how we can be a happy family but he never has the goods to back this up. But will I remember again next week?!

Not saying that codependency isn't your issue or you aren't codependent but... if he is a narcissist then I think you have to be careful that you are not making his rotten treatment of you, 'your fault'.

Its good of course that you are accepting responsibility for your part in things going forwards but I hope you know that nasty people being nasty, isn't your fault. And that they are adapt at drawing people in and messing with their heads, codependency or not.

If your partner is toxic, the only responsibility you have is -now that you know it- getting away from him.

Of course working on yourself will be important. But the most important thing to do is to minimise contact with this person as much as possible.

@MissB83
I never remember....it's all fresh for a while and then I meet him to talk and he says all the right things all my anger and normal thoughts go out the window!

I break things off monthly at least I would think any normal person would get fed up and be like fine....but he just fights for me back everytime.....it's exhausting x

@sallynoballs I'm the same what a pp wrote was very helpful as for me I think it's the drama as I have a kind of mundane life otherwise (work, small child), so I get drawn into the drama thinking it's romantic when it's just exhausting and emotionally taxing.

For me it was realizing two things -

1. My exdh simply didn't like me very much. He'd say he loved me, etc. etc. but his actions showed clearly that he didn't want me to succeed, feel good about myself, etc. He wanted me weakened and sad because it made him feel secure, like I was too weak to leave him. It wasn't that he just cared so much about me that he had to be extreme and dramatic in his efforts to keep me close to him.

1. By continuing the relationship as it was, I was quite literally teaching my DC that being an adult meant being embroiled in unhappiness and drama. That if their lives were peaceful and happy, that something was wrong and their partner maybe didn't love them enough to be dramatic and over the top about everything.

I left for several reasons but the most important was that I wanted my children to see me live in peace, with self respect and self esteem. Not on an emotional rollercoaster. Because I wanted them to grow up knowing how to make decisions that brought them peace and self respect.

As long as I kept that in my mind, I was able to maintain "grey rock" and neutralize the dramatic relationship between my ex and I.

It's nearly 4 years on now and everyone is happier.

I think having some counselling on your own helps.

Also, there are 2 people in the dynamic & you have to examine your part in it.

What is keeping you there?