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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband doesn't need love

20 replies

Reflectiveronnie · 29/09/2019 21:52

So, during crisis talks, DH has said he likes being in a relationship but that he doesn't feel he really needs one. He also said it's nice when things are nice, but he doesn't need my love.
He says he doesn't prioritise time to romance or connect with each other because he doesn't really need it; he says that he doesn't notice when we've not connected romantically for a while. He doesn't even really need sex, something I've always known.
We have decided to try and give it another go, but all of this is at the back of my mind. He is trying harder and has committed to doung things differently, but...

Can it ever work if he doesn't relaly need love in his life?

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 29/09/2019 21:54

I suppose it depends what he means by ‘love’. Is he happy to be with you? Do you add value to each other’s lives?

Did he go to boarding school, or have a separation from his parents at a young age?

It’s very hard to judge what’s going on.

How do you feel about him?

Zaphodsotherhead · 29/09/2019 23:02

A lot of this is about what 'he' wants and needs. What about what you want and need? Isn't he even prepared to prioritise romance and connecting because you need it, even though he doesn't?

Or does it all have to be on his terms?

GothMummy · 29/09/2019 23:17

I don't think it sounds very promising. Do you really want to try to make things work?

Original poster

Reflectiveronnie · 30/09/2019 02:32

Interestingly, he did have some separation from his parents at a young age. His mother returned to work full time when he was 3 months old and he went to full time nursery. He is very close to his parents on some levels but they are not loving people. This aside, his sisters had a similar experience and seem very in touch with their emotions in comparison.

OP posts:

FredaFrogspawn · 30/09/2019 06:22

He does sound like someone who has possibly had to deal with attachment issues early in life. I suppose he wouldn’t consider therapy as he is unlikely to see anything wrong as such. It’s unlikely to be personal. If that’s any comfort...

category12 · 30/09/2019 06:56

It sounds very much like setting the expectation that you can pour love and affection into the relationship, into him - and you won't get anything back because he'll "forget", doesn't need or want it anyway, and if that makes you sad, well, you knew what you were getting.

Honestly, why bother? There's better out there for you. You have emotional needs and wants, and he can't or won't meet them. He may try temporarily until you stfu, but then it'll revert. He's basically told you this.
Listen.
Make the jump.

TemporaryPermanent · 30/09/2019 07:27

What was the crisis?

I know it always comes up on here and drives the posters with autism crazy, but could he possibly be autistic? I don't have autism and am no expert.

0lga · 30/09/2019 07:48

He sounds like my ex. After a few years of very unhappy marriage I realised that he didn’t want a wife - he wanted staff at home. He didn’t like living alone because then he had to organise the shopping, cooking and cleaning and laundry himself - he just wanted a flat mate who did 100% of the chores and wifework.

By the time I realised this, we had two small children. And you won’t be surprised to know that he also wanted a free nanny who worked 24 hours a day 365 days a year. Because he worked away from home 4 nights a week and when he was home he was busy with his hobbies.

Hugsgalore · 30/09/2019 07:56

I think you've pretty much described my husband Op. My husband grew up in a family where children were to be seen and not heard. Both parents were very strict and none of the children were cherished.
It has affected them all in different ways. I think my Dh can be quite cold at times and I have to remind him sometimes when it comes to parenting our dd how his parents made him feel growing up so he's not repeating their mistakes.
I think I add some value to his life though. He is good to me and treats me well but the emotional side is lacking and it can be hard at times.

ShimmeryShiny · 30/09/2019 08:01

I don't think I could be happy with that, can you?

Hugsgalore · 30/09/2019 08:40

@ShimmeryShiny people can't help the upbringing they have had. Does that mean they deserve to be rejected again because they were never taught how to love and be loved in return? The op has said he is trying and I think he deserves the chance. My Dh needs reminding from time to time as do I if I'm honest. I've learned to accept my Dh for who he is. He is good on so many other levels. I feel unbelievably sorry for the childhood he and his siblings had.

ShimmeryShiny · 30/09/2019 09:27

@Hugsgalore I agree and yes maybe if he is trying then yes but I'm just saying if my husband said he didn't need my love that would hurt and ultimately would make me unhappy and the OP has to be happy too doesn't she? I'm not saying leave. Hopefully they can work it out.

madcatladyforever · 30/09/2019 09:36

I'm like this OP, I'm aromantic asexual. Never heard of these terms until failry late on in life.
I like being married but don't care about romance or sex.
However, if you choose to get married you do have to make the effort for the other person. saying I don't need this so it doesn't have to happen is really not on.
If you want the benefits of being married then you must go out of your way to stay that way and make sure your partner is happy.
He sounds very selfish to me and seems to want it all his own way.
I think you need to make it clear to him that if this is how he thinks it will be then you need to think about separating.
I made a big effort with both my marriages despite my inclinations and when they ended it wasn't because of my asexuality.
It was because both of my husbands were unbelievably selfish (aren't they all).

milliefiori · 30/09/2019 09:40

How did he court you when you were going out? Why did he marry you? How did he propose (if he did?) What effort existed then and why, that's lacking now?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/09/2019 09:48

DH has said
that he doesn't feel
He also said
but he doesn't need
He says he doesn't
because he doesn't really need it
he says that he doesn't
He doesn't even really need sex

All this in that short opening post.
Jeez OP - what about YOU!!????
What about what you want and need?

I went back to work full time when my DD was 3 months old.
Doesn't make me a bad mother!
I love my DD with everything I have.
At 21 she's still with me and we are very very close.
Don't let that be an excuse. As you already say, his siblings aren't like this.

Do you have DC together?

FuriousVexation · 30/09/2019 10:04

I would hazard a guess that it's more to do with modelling his own parents' relationship rather than being "abandoned" 🙄 because his mum went back to work.

Some people don't feel the need for intense romantic relationships. It doesn't mean we don't feel love and care for others. It just means that if a relationship or marriage broke up for whatever reason, we wouldn't be on our knees begging to start again and promising to subsume ourselves to make someone else happy.

OTOH if I was to fall out with my chosen family members and friends, I would be incredibly gutted. But that list is incredibly small. (Currently consists of my sister, my son, and my BFF.)

Remember that your H's lack of neediness is not due to you being not good enough or anything like that. It's not a reflection on you at all.

If you don't already have DC with him, I'd suggest hanging fire on any plans to TTC until you've decided if you can live in a marriage like this - which it sounds like you can't. It doesn't make either of you a villain - it simply means you have different approaches and needs, and it's unlikely that you'll be able to compromise.

Because even if you seek counselling, agree some actions such as "every friday night we will have date night and get home from work, have sex, go out somewhere e.g. cinema, have some dinner, then go home and on Saturday morning get up for the gym together". You can do all of that, but you'll always be thinking "He's just doing this for the sake of staying together."

0lga · 30/09/2019 11:53

I think some men see marriage as some kind of slot machine.

Where you insert an engagement ring and a marriage certificate and you get back 40 years of domestic and sexual servicing plus emotional labour. Without ever having to make an effort again.

If they don’t get married and they still want sex ( with a real live woman), they will have to date ( which is money and effort ) or abuse a prostitute. Plus they will have to pay all the running costs of a home AND do all the housework AND get no emotional labour.

So it’s easy to see why marriage is a good deal for them.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 30/09/2019 11:57

he likes being in a relationship but that he doesn't feel he really needs one

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that he actually sounds quite grounded and sensible. He likes you and likes being with you, but he doesn't have an overwhelming 'NEED' to be in 'a relationship'.

I think this is actually sounds really healthy.

EKGEMS · 30/09/2019 12:10

^ NOPE I consider that abnormal

Spritesobright · 30/09/2019 12:55

I agree with Greenfingers that these aren't necessarily negative things he's expressing. If someone NEEDS to be in a relationship that could result in a very co-dependant set up. You could look at it differently and say that he is CHOOSING to be with the OP, rather than just needing it.

BUT, the OP also seems to be saying that she needs more romance, sex and vulnerability in the relationship. So there's a bit of a mismatch.

I really think this needs couples therapy to sort out what each person wants and how they can express/give the other person what they want.

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