Joint account or two separate accounts?

[spanglyundies]

We have a joint account. But DH wants to go back to separate accounts as he is fed up with me being a bit rubbish with money. I don't go overdrawn but he says I keep giving him surprises and he's sick of it. Like I thought I had set up a direct debit last year and now we have a £400 bill because it has to be paid in one lump sum. He wants our wages to go into our separate accounts. Then we'll apparently keep the joint account as a 'bills account' that we both pay into each month. I wonder do people really have separate accounts? He says they do-but people married 10 yrs as we are. I feel like it's a step backwards in our relationship.

Joint account which our salaries get paid into and a standing order each month to transfer 'pocket money' into our separate accounts. We each get same amount of personal money regardless of how much we earn. I really like this because it means I can save up for something, and buy things without having to discuss it. Works very well for us.

We’ve always had separate accounts and a joint account for household expenses. We are paid into our own accounts and we pay into the joint account proportionate to our incomes. Everything else is ours to do what we want with.

Having one joint account for everything sounds stressful and complicated to me. It’s a very old fashioned way of doing things from back when women had no income of their own and no expectations they could manage their own affairs. My money is my money, as is dh’s. We would never let the other struggle (if one of us has to repair a car or has some other unexpected and unavoidable expense, we send money over so we both have enough). But I don’t want him knowing everything I spend money on and nor do I want to know what he spends his money on, or to be checking with him before I buy anything to make sure we won’t be overdrawn or he doesn’t expect to make any big purchases or something. I like having my own money. We’ve been together 11 years and I can’t imagine doing anything differently.

Ah ok I have reread your post and understand it better. Instead of getting to the end of the month and saving the leftover money, give yourselves a set amount of spends/pocket money on pay day. Also, as you know how much you usually spend per year on holiday and Christmas, work that out in 12 monthly instalments and put into a joint savings account (plus an extra few hundred per year as a buffer for something unexpected). Then what is left over could be split equally and go into your separate savings accounts at the beginning of the month, so you can dip into it if you need to without having to ask the other person if it's ok. It's yours then and you know you already have enough for holiday etc. I find by doing it at the beginning, I'm less likely to spend it, as I feel bad touching my savings. If it is sitting in my current account i'll be tapping away the extra money lol.
Sorry if i'm repeating what I already said, I just didn't think it was very clear before. Was typing in a bit of a rush!

You are right though that he should not be getting all the ‘extra’. Surely if you have money left over in your personal accounts, you either keep it in there in case there is a big expense the next month, or you each put it into personal savings or you use one separate joint savings account.

My dh and I technically have 9 accounts between us - our own personal accounts, a joint account, a business account, each have our own personal savings, then a joint investment account and two children’s savings accounts (each linked to one of our current accounts). It’s not confusing and keeps everything nice and orderly.

We both have our own accounts where our salary gets paid into. We pay our own mobile bills out of that. We both then transfer money into a joint account which covers all the bills, food, petrol and stuff like that. Child benefit gets paid into the joint. We both transfer different amounts into the joint to make sure we are both left with the same amount of "disposable" income each. So whoever earns more pays more into the joint and we both have the same leftover each. Works really well for us and we think is the fairest way.

Same as Happy. Both salaries into a joint account, then identical spends into individual accounts. Perfect for us. Complete equality whatever either of us is earning (for most of our marriage I’ve earned considerably more than him).

But the arrangements are just a reflection of how much you trust each other and how willing you are to share, I think.

So today he went to his HR department and told them that he wants to be paid into his 'spends' account. This has kicked me for six. The fact that he wanted to do it in the first place had thrown me yet within 24hrs he has done it. There is no compromise going on, I have asked him to open a new spends account so that he can separate his spending money from the remainder left over at the end of the month (which he says he will scoop up into a savings account for us both -probably into the holiday account but we have DGM's inheritance sitting in a different account so maybe into that) . He says he won't need to as he doesn't spend too much and it'll be obvious what was his and what was leftover 'our' money.. I feel like he has broken us. He says I can either go with the new arrangement or choose to leave . We have been having a few rows of late but they have been instigated by us both but it seems he only blames me and seems to think that by getting tighter control of the finances this will help him. I don't know what to do - i just can't get my head around it... he says that he has inadequate and that this will make him feel less so. He said he has been feeling stressed and anxious and trampled on and that he is taking back some control. He says he wants me to give him a decision tonight as to whether I am going to go with it or I am going to leave if I don't like it. We are 10 hrs married with x2 dc. Honestly I don't know if he is wanting me to say I will go- he says he doesn't want me to and that he wants to be together but that if that's what I choose then he will respect it and also support me with my mother who I also only just found out has cancer. I feel like my world is falling apart

Sounds he's lining his affairs up to split OP. Maybe you should be alert and protect yourself.

Tell him youre saying fuck all yet while you digest this and maybe make an appointment with a solicitor to find out what's what.

We have separate accounts. Love the independence.

I apologise. I didn't rtft.

That's what I said to him yesterday gamerchick. He denies it. Says he stilll loves me and wants me to stay but I am not convinced. It's all fucked up as it's only tonight that I found out my mum has cancer. She told me she had the biopsy today in the hospital and she as going to wait for the results butthey told her it is highly likely to be cancer. I wasn't going to add that as it's a bit identifying but I'm in need of some words of wisdom here. Obviously I told him about mum and he says that there is No way he would have instigated all this if she had told us at the weekend but that the spat we had on Saturday night was like the straw that broke the camels back. I feel I like if I accept this then I accept living in a broken relationship

Personally a joint account for anything other than bills would give me the heebiejeebies.

How would his separate accounts and bills account have solved the situation you describe at all though?

You still wouldn’t have set up the DD, and you still would have had a £400 bill from the joint account

How often do you “surprise” him? that would drive me crackers, but you say you’ve never over drawn the account, so I am wondering whether he’s exaggerating something that’s happened twice in ten years!

I’d let him go right ahead with his separate accounts, as long as your pay is separate too AND the amount you each pay into the bills account is fair - I.e. you both end up with same spending money.

5 accounts:
Yours
His
Joint Savings short term (like holidays and unforeseen events) - each contribute as a standing order on pay day
Savings long term not to be touched
Bills account

Separate accounts here. Our well thought out approach is just, 'Whoever is least broke pays'.

Really sorry to hear that your mum is ill. It sounds as if you are in emotional overload. For whatever reason your husband has gone into overload as well, blames you and has found a solution that suits him but has made it worse for you.

My tentative advice is to focus on your mum for now. The emotional temperature is high right now and if he is in blame mode you can't win. You might want to look at what separating might be like in terms of finances and the practicalities of it all. The human reaction to stress is fight, flight or fall down. Whether you OH is in fight or preparing for flight is debatable but your mum and her needs are important right now.

In this age when marriage is not necessarily for life, it makes sense for both parties to have their own accounts both for saving and spending money. There should also be a joint account for family expenses. The main thing would be to be completely open and okay with how money is allocated to these accounts.