An old post

[toshbish123]

I posted on here so much during my pregnancy because I was having a terrible time with my partner at the time. He was more interested in gaming than being part of our family, very aggressive and abusive and wasn't interested in the pregnancy nor me at all. I kept changing my username because I was so embarrassed I hadn't left him even though all of you gave me so much advice and support, which I'm now really embarrassed about tbh.

I was admitted to hospital and myself and my little one had treatment for sepsis but we were both looked after fantastically and were both fine now thank goodness! My little one is the best person in the world and I couldn't be more happy.

I didn't want to post when i first left him in case I had to then come back and say id gone back but two months ago me and my baby left that cruel man and haven't looked back. There's still a few ongoing issues and he still tries to control me but we no longer live with him or have to tolerate his abuse and it's amazing.

I just wanted to say thank you all for your advice, I know I took my time and I know when I posted that we'd had to go into hospital I didn't get back to anyone but it was a really manic time.

Occasionally I have the odd panic about being a single parent and worrying if I've done the right thing but then I remember how he treated me and I start to feel better and sometimes even proud. I'm getting a lot of help and support from my health visitor as well so whilst there are bad days, we're doing really good and being a mother is the best thing I've ever done.

Thanks again, you're all lovely x

Forget how long it took. You have done brilliantly to get away and you're already teaching DC not to accept abuse.

Well done - what a tough time you have endured but you have done your very best for your DC. Have you got emotional support in RL?

Thank you, means a lot.

Yeah, my family are amazing now they know what went on and I've got a few close friends who are aware and they've been great.

His family have cut me off entirely and for a while I tried to fix that but then I realised they hadn't once asked how me or baby were and were still being nasty, they blame me for the break up - despite seeing him smash our home up and hearing him threaten me so rightly or wrongly I've stopped trying to fix that now.

I remember your posts, it was heartbreaking. It must have been a truly scary time. I'm so glad you're both doing so much better away from that vile man. I wish you and baby all the best in your futures.

Yours is a success story. Many women have stayed for decades, had more children and been eroded and violated as have their children.

Was there a specific turning point or something that someone said that chimed with you?

What advice would you give a friend trying to support someone out of a similar situation?

Well done 🌷

Thank god you & DS are both ok now 😊

I’m so pleased you have family & friends supporting you. It’s not a bad thing to have
No contact with his family, it just complicates things later on. Don’t push for him to see DS either, it’s not worth it.

Stay strong 🌸

Better late than never. Congratulations on getting free and well done for giving your dc this msssive gift

Massive *

He's really keen to see little one and has been a bit but he just demands with no notice and then gets angry when we've made plans. He was threatening me with court for a while and I was really worried and scared but after a good chat with my family who reminded me I have several videos of him threatening me, it's unlikely a court would favour him - and actually it's not his personality to do something like that he's actually very shy. Besides, I don't think he actually wants full custody I think he just likes the idea of me being scared of him.

I don't want to be the reason my child doesn't speak to their dad and he thinks I'm trying to punish him but the truth it not only has he got a history of aggressive behaviour he also doesn't really know what he's doing and on the odd time he does look after LO he's on the phone to me to come back as they're crying after 20-30 mins. It's not as if he's helping me in any way and to be honest I'm happy having baby and if I did need a break my mum would help, so far though I'm happy in our little bubble.😊

I can't even remember what the last argument before I left was about, all I know is that I sat in tears whilst he held our child shouting at me to cry quieter and even though LO is a tiny baby they genuinely looked scared and confused and I just thought what the hell am I doing? Why am I going to let this gorgeous tiny person I love with all of my heart grow up watching me cry and hearing daddy screaming when I'm not even sure I like him anymore never mind love. Like, what is the point? What's the benefit? I know that sounds really basic and something I should have realised ages before I did but in the moment every time he made me cry I wanted to believe he was going to say sorry and change, which is so weird because like I said, I don't even like him anymore? I don't think I'll ever understand why it took me so long. That said, I wouldn't ever judge anyone in that situation because clearly it's bloody hard (so if anyone is going through it and hasn't left please don't feel offended by that comment, you'll leave when it's right for you to leave).

Even now sometimes I find myself extremely keen to prove myself as a good person and "worthy" of him but then I think the only person who's opinion really matters is my LO. As long as they grow up feeling that I will protect them and they're safe with me that's all that matters. And the fact I absolutely don't want LO to grow up thinking that's what love is. Baby can see great examples of love in the none romantic relationships I have with my family and friends and most importantly with them.

Perhaps I'll meet someone eventually but for now I'm just going to concentrate on being a good mommy and enjoying the peace and quiet of not having an angry man around us!

Wow! I’ve not read your previous posts but just from reading this I can tell you’re an amazing woman who has found her strength. Hats off to you!! Keep going, you are amazing!! Xxx

You need to have an official access programme in place.

Otherwise he will continue to abuse, torment and control you, as he is doing already, with access. This will also have a massive impact on your DC.

I would think very carefully if he is so unstable, volatile and aggressive - then he is a high risk to your child directly (physically and emotionally) - so access should be supervised. I personally don’t know how this is achieved - social services? Another MNer will come along soon to explain.

Do not listen to his threats of court and full or 50% access. The courts have seen these types men many times before. He doesn’t want to care for a child, isn’t capable (you have this evidence) - but will attempt to use the courts to bully and harass you.

I would be getting ahead of him now. I would be looking to set up supervised access.

When your X was shouting at you when you were crying, your baby will have absorbed and internalised this stress, they would be v v scared and distressed. This will have deeply emotionally injured your child which will make them anxious, jumpy. If this carries on this will come out as behaviour issues and MH later. They cannot be exposed to this again. Google the research on trauma to babies and children.

You have done brilliantly - but you have more boundaries to build to protect your DC. Keep away from his family and get professional advice to decide whether your precious baby needs exposure to such a toxic, dysfunctional, dangerous character in his life masquerading as a dad.

I do remember your posts and so very happy to hear you are gone and you and your bub are safe from him. It's so hard to leave and yet you did because you are brave and mighty.

Thank you all very much. Things are improving slowly but surely. Me and little one much happier.

Horrible exes horrible family still being, well, horrible! They'd gone from telling me he made them ashamed and that I needed to leave to having a go at me for leaving and saying I'm reasonable for the entire fall out including his apparently damaged mental health (I don't mean to sound ignorant, to be fair I do think his mental health has suffered but I don't think that can be put on me at this point). They've not once been in touch regarding the little one and have now (through him) demanded to see LO, without me of course. Am I totally unreasonable to say no?
Little one doesn't know these people at all as they haven't bothered with LO, and to be frank, as much as I would like LO to have a relationship with both sides of their family, we're doing just fine without them.

I don't mean to sound selfish but sometimes I wish my ex and his family would just leave us alone. I don't want to spite my LO so I wouldn't ever keep ex away but I really don't think he's bringing anything positive to LO's life.

I can't believe at one point I genuinely thought he was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. So annoyed at myself.

Excellent update. I remember your last post when you were admitted to hospital throwing up. You've done well to achieve all you have in a short period of time considering you were about to give birth. Well done.

Op you are really strong and courageous to get yourself and your LO out of that situation.

Be very very proud of yourself x

You're not in the least bit unreasonable or selfish about refusing his family's involvement. They're being horrible and the apple obviously hasn't fallen far from the tree.

I would absolutely not let them have contact, as it may set a precedent. The ex can manage his family's relationship with your baby in his time.

Well done on leaving . Don't let him or his family continue to bully you.