4 year old behaviour

[12help34please56]

I need help 😪

DS has always had a temper but we worked really hard to control it - going from hitting and lashing out at the slightest thing to being able to channel it better - still angry but much less frequently being physical with it. After a tough couple of years the six months before he started school were a dream - he was a pleasure to be with and I was so proud of him.

Fast forward 4 weeks and he is losing his temper at the slightest thing - I'm sure due to tiredness and the emotional overload of starting school so I'm fine with this but he is back to being violent with it. He is physically very strong for his age too so he is actually hurting me - either hitting, kicking or yesterday he had a handful of my hair.

And on top of the tantrums he is now misbehaving which is much less like him. I ask him nicely not to do things, explain why etc etc but then when I actually do something to stop him, he loses all control and a full on temper tantrum ensues.

I am actually starting to dread going out in public with him because I've had a few comments made which has knocked my confidence in dealing with it further.

I tell myself that we've been here before so we can work through it together again but I just don't know if I can cope with it all again. I've tried over the top praise, love bombing, naughty step, removing toys or whatever has caused the problem, reasoning with him, reward charts, everything I can think of but it's just not working.

I feel like we need some external support but I don't want to go via the health visitor - nice as they are I just know they'll give me the bog standard advice and i cant face being patronized as I've done it all once.

Partner is supportive (not about the external help, I haven't mentioned that) but doesn't see the worst of him. I mentioned to school that we were struggling with his temper just to give them a heads up and they were shocked - said his behaviour and attitude at school is great as it always was at nursery so I wasn't surprised by that.

I don't really know the point of this very long post - I just hate it that he's breaking me!

Hi there, I feel your pain as I have a nearly 6 yo who still gets very angry when he doesn't get his own way.
Just a though, you might be better posting this in the parenting section though as you will hopefully get more replies.

Hi, okay thanks - will do! Sorry to hear your lo is a handful too!

Hi, not sure about external help, but something that occurred to me is how many things you've said you have tried in his little lifetime. I'm absolutely not knocking you for trying different things, but perhaps you need to work out which one thing has the biggest impact, and stick with it for a good while? Not sure if you've tried that, but it's easy to think you've been trying something a good while when the days are long because of the behaviour and actually it's not had that long to embed, if that makes sense?

I have heard about kids holding it together at school then releasing it all at home. Can you work out if theres things in the school day that cause anxiety that build up? It's so hard when they're little to get them to express themselves. Be kind to yourself, sounds like you did a fab job before and it must feel so deflating, but you seem to have the tools, hopefully with some help you will find the inner strength to get through it again.

Thank you, I did wonder that myself when I was typing out the things we'd tried - you're right I think I've flitted too much between them and need to stick to something.

I just wish I knew which one would work so I can start with that.

Thank you for your kind words - I think I'm just at rock bottom and need some help dragging myself back up again x

www.google.com/amp/s/www.mother.ly/if-your-child-falls-apart-after-school-theres-a-good-reason-why-2559500926.amp.html

If it's after school meltdowns , it's not his fault. Read this. My dd is "perfect" in school, but holding all her emotions in for 7 hours, mirroring and acting the best possible her- it takes it's toll and she's a nightmare at home sometimes.

Thank you I will give that a read x

Aw, you will get there, you've done it before! As much as you don't want to face it again I'm sure, you can do it again.

Sounds silly, but do you ask about his day? I ask my DC's pointed questions. "What was the best part of your day?" (Always lunch) "what was the worst part?" That question by and large gets a bit of a none response, but I've found out some belters on it. Eldest being "smacked" by a friend, eldest being shouted at by a friend, youngest being unable to reach her coat peg. The latter was a source of great distress and yet so easily solved. But it was something that had been niggling at her.

How is he at drop off at school? Does he go in easily? Part from you easily?

Yeah he's very chatty about his day though he never says if anything bad has happened even when I know he's had a cry about something (dd sees him) so maybe there are things he's keeping to himself.

And yes he does part well on the whole - has some wobbles if he's particularly tired but he actually goes in better than he ever did at nursery.

I think I'm going to make sure he still gets plenty of physical activity outside of school - we do try to get to the park after school but now it's getting darker etc that's not going to be as easy so will look at some sort of clubs for him that might give him the chance to literally run off some steam. I spent the first couple of years of dd's school limiting her after school activities as she benefited from getting home and sitting doing colouring or something but it seems as with most things so far, ds is thinking he'll do the complete opposite to her just to keep me on my toes haha x

Oh well it sounds like he's happy at school for the most part, so that's good. Maybe it is just an energy thing, he needs to let loose and burn it off. Sounds like a good idea to get him active after school to burn some of it off, of course you will then have to balance the quiter approach of DD... sigh. Do you think they plan to make it hard for us??!!

No advice other than that you’re not alone and you could basically be describing my four year old, who I would cheerfully have eBayed this afternoon! In our house, all hell breaks loose at weekends and a wet day doesn’t help. He is fine unless thwarted....

I try to stick to “natural consequences” (eg you throw a toy, said toy gets put away for a bit), lots of hugs and praise, and reasoning with him where possible. But I find he goes from 0 to 120 so quickly that the latter simply isn’t possible and when the hitting and kicking start, even if I walk away, he gets very destructive - throwing whatever he can reach. And we have nowhere to put him for time out where he can’t reach anything!

So no advice but watching with interest. In our case, there is a lot going on aside from starting school and this behaviour predates school but has ramped up massively since school started.

Maybe look into 'magic 1-2-3', seems to work quite well for my nearly 5yo and a couple of friends kids too.

There’s no harm in taking him out of school for a few days or cutting back to four days a week for a bit if that’s what he needs. Talk to his teacher. Tell them he needs a little break and go from there.

Poor kid sounds tired.

Just to give you hope I have a 7 year old who was exactly like this. Perfect at school then awful at home. He was overwhelmed, hyped up and exhausted. Now he’s just wonderful. He sometimes loses it when tiredness kicks in but it’s monthly rather than daily. If you stay firm with your boundaries it will get better. Things that worked for us included giving him a healthy snack (no sugar!) on the walk back from school. Letting him just decompress after school. Drink lots of water. How much water is he drinking? No juice. No fizzy. Cut massively back on sugar. Just one treat per day. Is he having a good breakfast like porridge? Also bedtime has to be between 6.30 and 7. Is he doing after school clubs like swimming, karate etc? If yes, bin them. Do nothing until he’s in year 2. After school is sit down and relax and watch tv time. So I’d advise early bed, healthy snacks, early dinner (no later than 5), lots and lots of water (3 glasses between school pick up and bed), no after school clubs. If he’s sugared up and hyped up and exhausted then he’s going to be uncontrollable. This worked for us. Now the slightest bit of chocolate and it sets off mine again. Running around crazy, jumping, shouting, hitting. Try this plus firm boundaries. If he starts hitting, time out in a boring room until he’s calmed down.

@PushkinTheCat sorry to hear you're having the same - it's so hard isn't it?! And yes we're the same, it's not like the tantrums build, it's like a switch!

@Indecisivelurcher Thank you I'll have a look at that - I've never heard of it so fingers crossed it is the thing I've been missing

@kiwiinkits yes he's tired for sure - he's sleeping well, in bed by 7 most nights and sleeps until 6.30/7 but he's still waking tired so it's not enough. Not a chance I can get him to nap in the day though! Maybe the odd duvet day would help.

@donethinkin
Thanks for your tips - he does one after school activity which he loves so I'd be reluctant to stop that and also despite being tired he has energy to burn and if I try movies or relaxed activities after school he is crawling the walls. Difficult to know which way to go with that.
The diet point is interesting too - he eats well and very balanced at home but certainly doesn't drink enough so I'll definitely up the intake with that. And look at his snacks as well - they're generally fruit or cereal / granola bar type but I'll start scrutinizing the labels for sugar content - I did used to joke when he was younger that he only ever cheered up on a day out after ice cream so there might be something in that. I am annoyed that for saying school dinners are meant to be healthy they have a treat pudding every day - he's never had so many delicious puddings!
And I'm so pleased to hear that your 7 yo has got through it - that gives me hope that I can get my lo back. I know I've got an adorable little man in there somewhere.

Xx

I defo agree about the after school restraint collapse thing too!

definitely look at the sugar content. Seriously. I thought I was giving mine healthy youghurts. They contained 12g of sugar per yoghurt!! The recommended daily allowance is 19g. So if you think he's probably getting that from the school pudding alone! In an ideal world we'd be relaxed and whatever about that stuff. Give the kid a treat and lifes too short etc etc and yeah that was all hunky dory and no probs for my eldest but some people just react badly to it and are sensitive to sugar intake. I react badly to caffeine. One coffee and I get heart palpitations. Its worth massively reducing his sugar and upping his water and seeing if that helps. Check his sugar levels in his breakfast cereal, yoghurts...I found it really hard to find yoghurts with low sugar. They are out there but they are still 5g per pot. If he's had (for example) 3 times his daily sugar allowance by the time he is home from school then no wonder he's climbing the walls.

@Indecisivelurcher that magic 1 2 3 does look interesting. I've ordered the book and it's coming tonight - got to love Amazon prime!

@donethinkin I'm going to raid the cupboards now. I have to admit I have slipped with checking sugar content - I used to be very good when he was younger but I can imagine I'm going to be horrified when I look properly. Which will make me cross because he does only have what I would perceive to be real treats of sweets, chocolate or ice cream weekly at the very most (i wish i could say the same for me lol) so it'll be sneaking in on the so called healthy options.

The book is nice and clear, a bit American so you'll have to ignore that! We've also been on a sugar drive, things like children's flapjacks and snack bars are now banned! And fromage frais has been swapped for Greek yoghurt. Goodies and organix bars are about 12g of sugar, and the rda for a 4yo is 19g I think?! I've been trying to bake healthy snacks with the kids on a Sunday to see us through the week. There's a kiwi website called mykidslickthebowl that's very good for easy low sugar snacks that kids actually like.

I've been getting Dd to pick which snack we make and doing it together early doors Sunday morning, which is I guess quite a nice activity to help re-connect and combat the back to school rebound.

Don't let all this make you think we're totally sorted mind!!! I'm just sharing ideas because we're in the same boat.

@12help34please56, it is really tough! Sleep is definitely a factor in our house - after the morning from hell, I managed to get him to nap with me (lack of serious resistance suggested even he knew he needed it) and he slept for two hours! And then slept 2000-0640 (would normally be 1930-0630). So I’m thinking some catching up at the weekend is essential.

My mum keeps saying “pick your battles” but at some point, the N word has to be used - like yesterday, when he wanted to pretend to drive the car and I got as far as telling him “no, don’t climb over the seats in wet dirty shoes” but not as far as “if you get out and get in on the driver’s side, you can”....

Interestingly, our issues are all at weekends when both DP and I are around - he’s normally fine after school and we are pretty relaxed about TV, one (sugary) snack of choice and then something like fruit/crumpets or early dinner, etc.

One trick I’ve just remembered, after school if he’s hyper, I get bowls, spoons, seive, funnels...sit him in a lovely warm shower with it all (shower away from him so not directly on his head) let him sit in running warm water playing with the stuff. He sits there for half hour, wrap him up in big towel/dressing gown when out. Low lighting, warm milk when out. Warm hairdryer. Wrap up in duvet. He’s then zonked and chilled right out. Other things include kids YouTube yoga videos. The warm shower really works though!