Silly (?) MIL worry

[Bibiboo]

My baby's due in 3 weeks and although I've got the first 6 months off work, plans are for MIL to have the baby every day when I go back. This is very kind of her as she's given up work to do it and will accept no payment and I know she'll look after the baby well, but some things worry me ...
I'm not sure if I've just got the jitters about leaving my baby with someone else or if I have some valid concerns. She sometimes looks after her step-daughters baby and is wonderful with her (and did a great job bringing up dh and his brother), but has admitted to me "(baby's Mum) wouldn't like it if she knew I did this" or "(baby's Mum) doesn't know I give her this" etc. It's only small things like changing the feeding routine or giving her certain things to eat, but it makes me mad that her step-daughter has obviously set rules for what her baby should be doing/eating etc and MIL ignores that and thinks she knows better.
I'm worried that she'll do the same with my baby and undermine me because she "knows best". My main worry is the fact that I plan to bring baby up vegetarian and she isn't a fan. In fact, she's told me that her eldest son (who is also veggie) would go mad if he knew some of the things she used to use in cooking for him when he was at home. I don't want her giving my baby meat or anything with animal fats in and have the support of meat-eating dh, but I can't control that when I'm not there can I?
Am I being over sensitive and worrying over nothing?

message withdrawn

No, I'd be worried too. Not just about the food - although as a former vegetarian I deeply sympathise - but about the whole thing. Are other forms of childcare not an option? It gets soooo entangled when it's family, doesn't it.

It does sound Bibiboo that even if she does follow your requirements, she would be likely to say 'here's your horrible food, poor little boy, you'd love some meat wouldn't you' 3 times a day! it is very very hard to get used to not knowing what your bub is doing and eating every moment. I think you have a legitimate concern but you would be right to get upfront with your MIL and say what is worrying you. In other ways this is the ideal situation and a wonderful solution to childcare needs so I wouldn't chuck this away without reassuring yourself. Twiglett is right about other things - she is always going to do some stuff that you wouldn't do.

Agree with Twiglett - some things you will have no control over, but what they eat is your decision and you should make it plain what you are happy and not happy for your child to have. My mil thinks I'm cruel because I won't let ds have chocolate (I don't want him developing a sweet tooth so young). He can have fruit etc instead.
Things like the actual routine you should give a rough idea (this would be the same as a child being in nursery like my ds.....so I told them whne to drop certain bottles etc. but I know for a fact they give him lunch earlier than I do!)

my MIL looked after ds for 6 months when he was 6mo-12mo. Her view was "what you don;t know can't hurt you" and felt that while she was looking after my son she made all the decisions. We had a problem with a new car seat not fitting her car safely (it moved from side to side and could tip due to the strange seat belt) so I asked her for just one day could she stay around home. she said it was okay. Well something niggled at me and I popped home during an early lunchtime and they had gone out in the car. I was absolutely livid. when I rang later (what would have been my normal lunchtime) she was back. Also I liked ds to have his morning nap in his cot but she used to take him into town every day so he'd drop off.

See your point about not being able to control what happens on a daily basis Twiglett, just got to sort that one out in my own head I think.
MI, no other childcare is really an option could not afford to pay anyone or a nursery.
I know it's a long way off, and will have to talk to MIL about the food issue, it's just knowing how to do it without offending her. She's quite proud and brought 2 children up on her own, holding down 3 jobs to do so and sometimes gives me the impression of a super-mum.

BB I think the key then is to make sure you make it sound like you aren't undermining her parenting skills at all, its just you want certain things done in a particular way....

Feel a bit ungrateful now, reading my thread back. She really is a lovely woman, generous and kind. I know compared to some people's MILs I am lucky to have such a good one.
Jampot, I would be furious about car seat too - don't think my MIL would do that.
Blackduck, I agree about the chocolate too - I don't want my baby/toddler having it as a treat either. Can't see MIL sticking to that one either.
Look out for a thread in about April 2005 called "MIL is under patio - how do I keep the police off my back?"

bibiboo

lol! re April thread!

Blackduck, my MIL takes absolutly no notice of me when I say not to give DS chocolate, 1st easter I said pointless buying him easter eggs as I would just throw them away or give to hospital so she turned up with a huge chocolate rabbit instead cos I hadn't said he couldn't have them, unfortunately they were left in a hot kitchen and melted and then this year they collected us from the airport for our holiday and the 1st thing she did was to hand over chocolate to him 11.00 at night I swear she does it to wind me up, I've tried explaining to her that all his grandparents and great uncles suffer or suffered with diabetes and that I want to give him a fighting chance but she chooses to ignore it.

Bibiboo..we've moved thousands of miles away and now all I get that I've taken 'her' boy away even though we didn't see that much of her when we lived in the UK, she is now threatening on moving here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The patio idea sounds good

Perhaps next time MIL talks about what she's done that your sister-in-law doesn't know about you could say something like "But you won't do that with db will you, otherwise I'll have to kill you!", and use it as a trigger for a conversation about what your parameters are and how far you woud prepare to be flexible - what you'd mind her changing and what you would absolutely refuse to change? Perhaps you will have to give in to her on some things - she will be caring for him day to day after all - but surely if she knows that certain things are absolutely not negotiable she wouldn't go against your wishes?

dubaimum - mil still brings him easter eggs - we eat them!!

I think Twiglett is right: you have to let any childminder make decisions about routine etc (within reason). Apart from anything else, another carer will not be able to do things exactly as you do (tone of voice etc will be different) and your baby will react differently.

I do see your problem on the food thing though. Why don't you supply the food every day (or a week's worth at a time) under the pretence that it's so you don't put her out any more than you already will be? That way you'll be sure that the vast majority of your baby's food will be vegetarian. Baby may get the odd extra snack that is not entirely to your liking, but that is highly likely to happen in any childcare situation, and does it really matter that much?

Senora, no it won't be the end of the world if baby gets fed meat that I don't know about, I'd just be angry that she'd not taken my wishes seriously.
I might try TraceyPs suggestion of threatening to kill her (jokingly!) if she doesn't do as I wish, sound like a way she might respond to.
Dubaimum - sympathy! I actually like my MIL (despite this thread) but would not want her to move to be closer to me - we're about a 30 minute drive apart at the moment and that suits me fine!