Recovering from a broken friendship

[VivaDixie]

I think I am just posting to put it down in print for my own therapy really.

I am coming out of the other side of a grieving process from a broken friendship. I honestly thought it would consume me forever. It has been heartbreaking, like the break up of a relationship.

It was a group dynamic.. All strong characters. But so intensely close. It lasted about 2.5 years. The families all bonded ant it was wonderful. Like a whirlwind relationship. Anyway they both ghosted me a few months ago. It was a gradual process but even though i saw it coming it tore me apart for what felt like forever, it made me ill. There was the usual gaslighting 'you are imagining it' 'overthinking it' etc. But no. It is all playing out on FB all the fun and games they are having without me when I would have usually been involved.

Another big even happened a couple of weeks ago full of memory making with the best ever friends. I realised I now don't give a shit. It is so liberating. I still feel sad about it. But they are showing mutual friends who they are which is satisfying to me. I have maintained a dignified silence for some time now.

So if you are going through it now. I really do empathise. It is awful. But it will be ok. As DH said, 'you were just you, they didn't want you so they can fuck off'. I love DH 🙂

Sorry for rambling. Thanks for listening 🙂

Very hurtful. It happens to a lot of us from time to time, we can't always tell why.

I'm glad you have a good husband in whom you can confide and who has a pragmatic approach - makes a lot of difference.

People can mean a lot to us at different times and then fade away, it doesn't mean they don't like us, just that life changes and others become more important.

What a curse social media is sometimes!

It happened to me and it’s taken me 2 years to get over. I’m still having counselling. It’s shaken my confidence and my self esteem. I’ll never trust anybody again or invite them into my home like I did before. It’s made me bitter, cynical and jaded. The only way is to learn from it and never put so much trust in friendships. Always keep your boat lined with other friends. Don’t use social media. Don’t let people know what you are doing. Always keep side options open and always always keep friends separated.

Rachel I agree with your penultimate paragraph but in my case it went from an intense friendship to ghosting in a short space of time. I would have taken it easier if there was a gradual fade. But it was so sudden. I also agree that social media is the work of the devil. But in another way it has made me see clearly far quicker than if we didn't have it.

donethinkin I am so sorry you are going through this too. I agree with everything you have said. I am so much more guarded with friends now. Luckily I have other friends in my little boat, one of whom knows and has been extremely supportive.

Never get too close. Never.

I think the keeping friends separate is often key. There's nothing worse than introducing one friend to another and then finding they both like each other better than you. You have this idea of how you'll all jell together because you have such a great time with both and so much empathy. Then the awful discovery ...of course if you think they are both great it is fairly lightly that they'll jell even better without you. Arhh!!! One of life's hardest lessons which takes a long time to learn.

shiningstar this is kind of what happened. They were close first. They met me, I 'joined' late. We all got on great, they then realised they didn't need me anyway. Pfft they are welcome to eachother. It never did sit right with menthe way they bitched about people and tried to draw me in. Thank fuck I took a back step on that, and tried to rein them in a bit. They will be bitching about me now. I know this as I know how they work.

MrsT absolutely

This happened to me years ago. I’m in my 40’s now and I’ve never truly let my guard down and formed a proper friendship since then.

I have loads of acquaintances and superficial friendships, but I just can’t take that next step into a truly trusting friendship, I always keep a wall up.

This happened to me twice in two different groups of friends.

The first was weird, I was nice and a good friend to all. The best friend of my main friend alleged I shouted at her in a kids shoe shop and it all kind of fell apart. I had bumped into her in the shoe shop getting our kids feet measured, but there was no issue it was a friendly hello chatty conversation. My dh was there too, her dh had gone off to wander elsewhere.

I couldn't believe what she'd alleged. I guess she wanted her best friend all to herself, well I stepped back so it worked. Bizzare woman.

The second group was closer and more intense. I'd brought individuals together through the kids and all couples became friends. It became a bit over friendly between some of the people in different couples on nights out etc...my son became unpopular due to his behaviour aged 4/5.

The best friend of one of the mums wanted to be involved in our group and she didn't want her to be. She found out and as the latest evening social event was at my house I was the fall guy.

I was accused of being a liar, though none of them would tell me what I'd apparently lied about. I was good for the free childminding every Friday up til then for one of the mums kid though!!

They tried to stay friendly with my dh and son and leave me out but that soon got stamped on.

We moved away not long after and I will never ever put myself in a situation again where I get everyone together. Keeping friends separate is definitely the best, as I'm not fake or manipulative this keeps the opportunity for others to do this to a minimum.

I now pretty much don't bother with people. I genuinely believe most women are manipulative bitches and can see through fakery now very easily. I haze zero tolerance for it now.

If you search for threads by @ JaysusWept she has suffered similar ghosting and discovered that lies were spread about her among the group which they all used to turn against her too.

I think the key to happiness is being happy and independent in yourself. You can't rely on anybody.

It’s horrible. I’ve had it happen a couple of times and absolutely blindsided me both times. I generally have good self esteem and have no idea what I’ve done. It has made me more wary and untrusting of people which is not what I want to be. Quite reluctant to get close to people now. Sorry you’ve experienced this OP

It’s actually their problem not yours it just doesn’t feel like it

Sorry you are going through this. The first time I was dropped/turned against I was a teenager. Best friend decided I was a drag and gravitated towards a group of girls who felt I was not cool enough. I was left friendless for weeks. My confidence was destroyed.

I have never had a best friend since. I am wary of females and do not get too close so when friendships have fizzled, I am not totally destroyed.

I always keep friendships separate. I hate the idea of a group of friends and would struggle to feel comfortable in this set up.

It has also happened to me a couple of times. This particular group of friends knew about the last time it happened and were full of reassurance that this wasn't how real friends should behave. They were so hypocritical.

I absolutely agree about group dynamics. This can't happen again. I am still reeling from it all but can feel myself coming out the other side.

It has definitely blindsided me. I unravelled so many lies and deceptive behaviour. I used to see them lie to others and it made me wary of what they were telling me. I knew it would come round to me at some point.

I have several individual friends who mean a lot to me in different ways. This has shaped how my friendships will be going forward.

So sorry all of you have had the same. I have read Jaysuswepts threads and a lot of the behaviour was similar. MrsT I agree it says more about their behaviour than mine.

I’m sorry you’ve had such a tough time, OP. Something like this happened to me this year and it’s extremely hurtful and upsetting. In my case, I got the distinct feeling the former friend was ‘looking for reasons’ to dump me and the communication got increasingly erratic and unpleasant on her part. Six months earlier we’d had a weekend away together and all was well. Go figure!

Some of these responses are so sad! It reminds me of infidelity threads, where people swear off ever letting another romantic relationship matter to them.

My take on it, as someone who has had three very important friendships end and also as someone whose husband cheated on them, is this: the road is long. Letting a trauma like this freeze you in place, paralyse you, prevent you from ever letting other people into your life, is letting the other person win.

It sucks. It hurts so, so much. Let yourself feel those feelings, and then let yourself move on. Let it go, and let other beautiful friendships into your life. Maybe they last and maybe they don’t, but fear never led anyone to triumph and fulfilment. There’s still so much beauty in connecting, even if it turns sour after a while.

Just my thoughts on the topic, from the other side of a bitter year. :)

In my 20's I had a 'friend' who always made me feel like a second rate friend. I was stable, boring and loyal and she would swan off to seek exciting friendships and then run back to me when things turned sour. She was never there when I needed her. I allowed her to run in and out of my life for some years then I cut her off. We bumped into one another a few years ago and she wanted to meet up. I refused and blocked her.

I now have the confidence to shut out people who do not prioritise me as I do them. I would rather have no friends than crap friends who make me feel I am not quite good enough to be in their inner circle. Women can sometimes behave no better than schoolgirls which is why I avoid groups of friends like the plague. I also avoid women who regularly gossip about their friends.

I met up again recently with a friend who gousted me. It was nice but I didn't feel the way for her that I used too. I think you just need to be careful going forward. Dont set out expecting wonderful close friends but dont block them out. I think I loved this friend that ghosted me. Now I wouldn't invest so much emotionally into a friendship. In fact it reminds me of my student days where one day I got so drunk that my body has never allowed me to drink that much again. Much like friendships. I really enjoy my friends but the expectations I have from friendships is much less. I cant imagine meeting any friend and feeling that close again. But I'm happy with that, however its subconscious and ì cant trust as I used too.
It is like a romance ending in a lot of ways.

It’s sometimes said we have ‘friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for a lifetime’. I’m trying to be philosophical and consider what I gained - as well as lost - in the relationship and accept it’s over. Wouldn’t stop me trusting people and I seem to be attracting more emotionally stable people into my life since the friendship ended.

Totally agree. Realising that you backed the wrong horse with your time, feelings and trust is the worst. Have several other friends but tend to keep them more at arms length after being hurt so much.
Reassuring to read this thread and know it's not just me that's going through it.