At the end of my tether with my partner's sleep pattern

[OnTheBorderline]

My boyfriend works shifts (5-3, 6-4, 10-6, 12-8, 3-1) and is very much a stay up late /get up late kind of person.

I am a student at college three days a week and also aim to do the same amount of work at home or the library, as it's expected of me. I prefer to go to bed at a reasonable time and get up early.

We have no children, just the two of us and a cat.

When either of us is working or up very early the other will usually sleep on the couch/futon in the living room. If he is up at five then he will aim to go to bed at nine which is a bit too early for me. If I'm up at seven for college he will do the same.

My issue is the other nights. Today is a really good example. Yesterday was his day off and he was out all day till after 10pm. Often I will stay up later to spend time with him as with his shift pattern we sometimes don't see much of each other. I went to bed about three and as he does often he fell asleep on the couch. He came to bed at 10am 😱

I would usually be up before this but as I stayed up late to see him I thought I'd maybe sleep till lunchtime to catch up as I have a report to write this weekend, and my energy levels are very low because I have very poor mental health and I'm tired all the time.

My issue is that it wants me and I find it hard to get back to sleep. I hate that I get so annoyed but it affects my mood and it feels really unfair. Just because I'm off today I still need a good sleep. I just don't know what to do and I'm at the end of my tether.
I also feel sad that we never go to bed together. I feel like I miss out on a lot of intimacy - I'd like to chat in bed before we sleep etc.

I feel like we are destined for separate beds, as it seems like the only solution.

That shift pattern is punishing, and I don't see a way for you to accommodate it without severely messing up your own sleep in the process.

Put your own need for sleep first - establish a routine that works for you. It's not as simple as picking and choosing one night to stay up late, and the next to go to bed early. I used to work nights, and it is only possible to really alter your sleep routine by a two hours every 24. You have to gradually get into the pattern of staying up all night and sleeping all day.

Long term, your boyfriend is going to end up chronically sleep deprived. Can he change jobs?

Is there a reason that if he falls asleep on the couch that you can't gently wake him and bring him to bed with you when you go? That's what I do with my partner who sleeps all over the place hours because of night shift. He'll usually just grumble a bit and stagger into our bed and fall immediately back to sleep, at least then he wouldn't be waking you up when he comes to bed later, much comfier to sleep in bed as well!
Understand the missing the intimacy of going to bed together etc, my partner gets up and goes to work at 8:30pm 7 days a week but that's just the sacrifice you make if you love someone who works odd hours, it can't be helped. It's important not to resent them for it.

Porcupine - I have been telling him for five years that this job is bad for his health, he lacks confidence although he could do so much better. I know I need to just start going to bed early as I'll feel so much better, I guess I'll need to sacrifice a bit of time with him sometimes.

MySon - I would do that however he's always awake when I go to bed, sorry that wasn't clear. I don't just leave him to sleep on the couch. He usually wants to stay up and play xbox and then falls asleep.

Look after your own sleep first.

He is an adult and needs to be responsible for his.
It sounds like you are sulking about how you'd like the relationship look - shared conversations in bed etc, when actually he has a crippling shift pattern.

Stop forfeiting your sleep for your ideal.

When you are both rested, rethink and chat about it. Maybe even schedule a movie, bedtime once a week until it gets better.

Also can you really not tolerate someone creeping into bed next to you in the dark?

Somanymistakes - I'm not 'sulking', it's just something that is important to me. I think people are allowed to feel a little bit sad about important things missing from their relationship. I am aware how difficult his shift pattern is which is why I go out of my way to make his life easier. scheduling time together is basically what I'm already doing but by doing that I have to make the sacrifices it would seem.
And no, I find it hard to tolerate someone getting into bed, pulling covers, shaking the bed, looking on his phone etc, at 10am, which isn't usually dark either.
It's not his fault I know that, I don't give him a hard time about it, I make allowances it's just taking a toll on me.

I just can't see a way to get what we both need here. I forgot to mention that if he works till four, he will go for a nap, usually not getting up till nine. Basically any shift he does I don't get to see him unless I sacrifice my own preferred routine.

Are the hours that he is doing intended to be a permanent thing or does he have future plans for a more regular schedule with normal hours?

If he stays in his current job his hours will never be regular. Not unless he was going to work his way up to the top, which I don't think he would want. He doesn't know what he wants to do which is part of the issue.