How to cope with contact post-break up?

[CursedDiamond]

My OH and I broke up yesterday. We’ve been together 13 years, there have been problems for some time, and I’m just done. Ive fallen out of love, have spent most of the summer trying to find my way back and failed. He’s finally playing catch up and wants to work in things, and I just can’t give him that commitment. It isn’t fair on him apart from anything else.

He is not taking this well. He’s devastated, and yesterday was awful. Prior to this, we had almost a month as a break, which I asked for and i asked for no contact, so I could work things through in my head. He’s found this incredibly hard (and his sister has told me I’m cold and indifferent for insisting on it).

Now we’ve (I’ve) made the break,
I’m not sure how to stay in contact. He’s so heartbroken, he obviously wants to talk and keep the connection. I don’t think it’s helpful for him to do that, for himself, but also I don’t want to just cut myself out his life entirely if that’s not what he wants. I’ve broken his heart and I don’t want to hurt him more.

How do I negotiate this?

Do you have kids?

If you don’t have kids then it’s probably best to go no contact. It will be easier for him to get over it that way. He’s going to want to stay in contact but that’s not the best thing in the long run

Personally I would recommend he talks to someone, a therapist. They will support him.

Explain it this way to him. You’ll do it for you, he can do it for himself initially, then if it seems to be working, then maybe you could try together. But at the moment you really need some space for yourself and you’re worried that if you keep contacting each other, you’ll end up with huge resentment.

Obviously you don’t have to go to therapy but his therapist will support him.
My stbeh is in therapy and feels really supported. I’ve made it clear to his therapist I don’t want to resolve anything but need to get along for children’s benefit. My ex had been using kids to get to me and money etc.
The therapy is really taking the emotion of ‘us’ out of the equation.

I would say cut contact completely for both your sakes. Ultimately his mental health is his responsibility. Keeping contact out of pity will serve neither of you well and prevent you both from moving forwards

If no kids, cut contact.

You can't keep contact right now. He will want to because he's in shock and sad and he will be hoping there is a way to fix this which disappears when you aren't talking anymore, but he won't get over you if you're in contact and he needs to do that now. I'd be cautious about suggesting you could be friends at a later date, too, incase he just "holds on" for it.

Encouraging him to see a therapist is a really good idea. I hope things get easier.

Thanks for the reassurance. I haven’t insisted on cutting contact, but I did ask him to think carefully about whether this was really helping him.

He also really needs to see a therapist and I’ve suggested that. He’s only half heartedly looking, but he could do with some better advice. His sister mainly seems to be constantly suggesting he tries and win me back with romantic gestures which seems a bit of an simplistic response to me. It’s not how I would advise a friend, but then she has also only heard his account and I don’t think he’s really been listening to me for the last six months.

And no, no children, though there is some finance to sort out eventually.

His sister is wrong, if it's anyones job to look after him now it's the families job, his sister is giving him advice that is harmful to him because you're not actually going to take him back, and I would tell her that straight out!

Curseddiamond, i've been there and done that, trying to nurse my ex through our break up because of constant suicide threats and threats against me and what a bad state he was in. They don't get over it when they're still clinging onto hope that you'll get back together and if he can contact you every time he feels sad or misses you then to him that means there's still hope.

As someone who has been on the receiving end i think no contact is the best approach. I think if you have been clear as to the reasons for the break up then thats all there is to know really. It wont help either of you to keep going over it. It is what it is! He will cling to a hope of reconciliation with contact.

When my exh ended it he called me sometimes and i was desperate to speak with him in case he had changed his mind but he didnt, and it never made me feel better. But your ex OH will be ok he isnt your responsibility. If you werent happy he wouldnt have been either so in long run he’ll be happier and so will you. (I’m glad i got dumped life has been much better)

I decided that I would answer questions, particularly about our relationship, for another week or so. But now he’s started to do more difficult things - sending me links for example that are clearly ‘saw this and thought of you’ type things.

I know that responding to this is not helpful for him. But should I tell him what I’m doing and why? Otherwise it feels like ignoring him. Bit equally somehow telling him feels a bit dramatic. And somewhere in my brain I think I feel like it’s important for him to get there in his own, rather than have it imposed.