58 today. And my life sucks.

[Stillfunny]

And married 30 years next week. Currently living seperately in the house with cheating DH. Been to counselling , but I am unable to forgive or forget his horrible lies, boundary crossing and deceit.
Just biding my time until we can split and each end up OK financially.
No arguing, being decent to each other, but I end up crying for some reason every day
The loss of all we had and the scary future for myself sometimes overwhelms me. Just cant believe that , at this age, my life is in such turmoil.
Please tell me that it will be OK.!

You will be fine. You have survived some bad things in your marriage and now it is coming to an end. Once ended you will be free to pursue anything you want in life. When the house is sold you have choices in where to live. Stay locally or move and start afresh. The choices are all yours.
Good luck and let us know how you get on

Thanks for the encouragement.

Things will get sorted and you will be okay.
Happy Birthday!

Your DH sucks but happy birthday, OP!

Thank goodness you found out about his cheating and didn't waste any more of your one, precious life on him.

You will be mourning the future you expected to have of course, but now your future is also potentially exciting and full of possibilities, with all of the decisions yours to make.

One day soon you will be decorating and furnishing a home that is entirely yours, and you will be able to do whatever you want, whenever you want, without this frosty civility making you cry every day.

Happy Birthday! Think of it this way, this time next year, you will be living a happy new life. It may feel scary now but at least you will have control of decisions, basing them entirely upon your own wants and needs.
Go out today and do something for yourself/or order something nice in-remember be your own cheerleader!!!

Can’t you just get on with the divorce? He is probably happy with the status quo and you are the one in purgatory despite having done nothing wrong. I think if you wait when you know about infidelity it weakens your legal position? Have you consulted a legal expert? You sound a bit defeated when maybe you should try to go on the attack. Why not use this birthday as a new beginning? It takes ages for a divorce to go through anyway so nothing to fear in making a start.
Good for you not putting up with the cheating!
I think couples counseling only works if both parties are fully committed to trying to make each other happy in the future. It doesn’t sound like your husband has shown enough signs of wanting to value and cherish you.
Can you get separate counseling for yourself? How about seeking out stories online about someone who has got divorced and gone on to enjoy life?
It’s a bit worrying at this stage that you are still deciding everything together with your husband, when you should now be putting your own needs first.
With his affairs he has shown he has always put himself first and so he may well shortchange you in divorce.
Sorry if that’s not what you want to hear on your birthday but you might need to think about toughening up your attitude.

No that is OK snowqu33n , it is good to hear from other perspectives.
DH is hugely remorseful and would do anything to repair marriage.It is I who cant get past the cheating.
And it is my choice to stay in the house. Without drip feeding , I also have an elderly relative here and an adult DC will be coming.Luckily it is a big house!
As time goes by , it is easier as I don't love DH , so am indifferent to him in that way.
Just mourning the loss of the years together and the life I thought I would have.
Very gratifying that everyone is so encouraging and doesn't see my age as as barrier to future opportunities.

Happy Birthday OP 💐

At the moment you feel your thoughts of you and dh having a good marriage have all gone, obviously that is tough.

Once the house is sold, you can move on making plans for you, your dc and your relative. You will in time feel lighter having the weight of dealing with your cheating dh lifted.

You will survive this uncertain period and go on in life with good memories from your new chapter.

Similar happened to me at 49 - four years on, I am very happy and stronger in myself.

Good luck.

Hi OP, of course its a scary thought because you have been with this man for 30 years! That is a long time. I was with my ex for 17 years and suddenly being on my own was terrifying.
Try to see it as a new chapter in your life, the same as getting married was, having children etc. You age is NOT a barrier. I know these are different circumstances but my food friend lost her husband about 5 years ago (she is 71 now) and is now enjoying her life and living it to the full. She has taken up loads of hobbies and is out making the most of things. So your age should not stop you doing anything.
Think of the alternative - being stuck with a lying cheat for the remainder of your years!
Happy Birthday OP, look forward to your happy future.

Op, I split up from my husband after 28 years of marriage, also at the age of 58.

I chose to move away to be nearer family and now have a full happy life, a better job, new friends etc. You don't have to move, of course, if you don't want to but I just want to reassure you that you have loads of fun, productive years ahead of you. (I would bring a proper end to your relationship, though - having him around is probably affecting you more than you think).

Good luck - stay strong and positive.

58 is young.

My mum died in her 50s. Afterwards I found a folder filled with all the ideas and dreams she had for the many, many different things she had wanted to do in the coming years. It wasn't a "bucket list" (I hate that term), just a picture of how she wanted to live her life. It made me realise life isn't about the big stuff or ticking off milestones, but the moments in each day.

Most of them were small things we easily overlook, but that bring so much joy if we pay attention to the moment we are in right now instead of thinking about something else. It is a rich world out there - including all the small stuff.

There is still so much ahead of you, op. So many wonderful opportunities you could take up. Grieve the dreams you've lost, but don't grieve the future - that's open and exciting!

I am also 58, with a cheating husband whom I have been married to for over 30 years.

Our finances are complicated - we own a business together and there are still 5 years left on the lease, so it is difficult to break free.

Still, I am positive for the future and am making plans. Good luck and stay strong.

Really heartened to hear positive stories. I guess I know I will be "OK" ..but I thought I would be happy too.Just regrets for what I thought I had, but I do know that I am also lucky that I have supportive family

katalaveneta So tragic to lose a mother that young.And for her to have her life cut short. I do feel for you.My mother was a sweetheart and I miss her loads.

Thanks for the birthday wishes.DH presented me with a pair of emerald earrings, " cos I wanted emeralds , right ? " YES, when we were discussing 30 years married , as a symbol of eternity and hope!! You couldn't make it up ! Asshole !

sell emeralds fund nice holiday (suggestion - accompanied holidays like great train, Riviera Travel etc) Join group like WI or U3A or do evening class take up hobby for you - (do you have caring role? if so find a local Carers Group - they often have hobby/social events) In short: take care of yourself & start thinking of what you would like to do

& don't tell him your doing holiday unless you want to send him postcard with "glad you are not here!" :)
& make this birthday a day of looking forward - have a better year op!

How long do you think you will have to endure this limbo OP?

It must be v v exhausting and emotionally eroding you?

Not in UK , mumwon. But I don't think the emeralds were THAT expensive!
If I come across as timid , I am so not like that.Have been very proactive all our married life in doing my own thing
Travel alone , trips away with friends and family, etc..

But struggling a bit as so much to cope with.Carer for elderly relation living with me , 2 very close friends died and DH lost his job recently.( though that is somewhat resolved but now earning less ) all in 1 week!! FML

Just feeling sorry for myself .Was dealing with DH issues and it seem so bleak today with being my birthday .

But thanks so much for the good wishes and support. Onwards ..

Happy b-diddly-irthday, and CONGRATULATIONS for making it to 58!

You’re caring for an elderly relative, and you managed to raise a child to adulthood. You sound pretty awesome!

Is it possible to buy DH’s share of the house, or pay it off to him in instalments?

Sounds like things will be better for you once he’s buggered off.

Plenty of time for you to do cool stuff and meet someone lovely if you want to.

🍰 🍷 💐

NextTrainto BERO Thanks for that. Actually have 2 adult DCs. In their early 20s.
Have not been able to tell them yet , so that is why stalled in selling house. Just a bit vulnerable at the moment.
Just biding time to maximise selling point.
Cant buy him out.This is where I worry about being 58. SAHM for most of our marriage and MH issues now.

But able to report that my DSIS and DS have made sure I have had a nice birthday.So just taking my life day by day.
Thanks to all of you!

My dad passed away when my mum was 58 years old. Their marriage wasn't very happy for a last few years before my dad's death but my mum stayed with him due to his terminal illness. First year of being a widow was very difficult for my mum. They have been married for over 35 years so even though their relationship was rocky at some times she felt very lonely and was thinking at her age was too late for anything new. But a year after she met someone, they fell in love then got married. I've never seen my mum happier. I remember no long after my dad's funeral one of her nosey colleauge asked her if she was seeing anyone. She wasn't at that time so replied jokingly : I want to meet a tall, handsome and nice guy with flat belly and with a good car and same age as me. Her colleague laughed and said:you too old to meet anyone like that unless he was 20 years older. But my mum's husband is nice, handsome, only a year older than my mum, he has no beer belly and owns a good car .
I know your situation is slightly different then my mum's but her story shows that is nevet ever too late even if everyone tells you it is and you are too old

Ah, that is a lovely story. Glad your Mom found love .

The relationship part of being on my own does not scare me. Never relied on my DH in that way.