LDR ended, but now offered a job in his city.

[giadak]

Hi all,

I was hoping to receive some advice on here. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

I met a man early this year. We completely hit it off and started dating. Problem is, he lives in NY and I live in London. We both travel a lot for work and I was almost infatuated with him.

With that said; the relationship obviously came with challenges - the distance. We'd meet around the world, but obviously it wasn't the same as dating someone who lived in the same city.

Things started to go downhill and he became more distant - and as a result - so did I. I entertained the possibility that he'd met someone local etc... and wasn't naive to the possible reasons things were changing.

I think he just started to lose interest. We broke up a few weeks ago after I had had enough of feeling like I was the only one making an effort - and expressed that 'we don't have to do this'. He said he just 'felt weird and disconnected' about out relationship and generally just 'not connected enough'.

Yes, he gave me a list of positive reasons too as to why he felt we were good for each other, but let's be real - the relationship was ending - and sure enough; it did. Neither of us were surprised/taken aback by it ending.

Anyway, I have now been offered a job in NY. Literally happened this week. No, I wasn't even looking to move to NY - nor did we ever talk about me moving to his city - or vice versa, but I was offered a role within the parent company of my work.

I haven't spoken to him in a few weeks - so have no mentioned the latest update to him. Truth is; I'm not sure what to do. I have lived in many different cities throughout my life and NY has actually been one of them in the past. I have my own set of friends there/usual spots etc.. so I'm grateful for that.

Bear in mind; I haven't said yes to the job.

I'd love to have a shot at the relationship in the same city - as that was our biggest obstacle, but surely if he was THAT interested; we could have made it work...? Shall we just leave it be? Hell, should we assume he's moved on with his life. Yes, we broke up very recently, but there cracks were starting to show a few weeks prior to our break up.

I'm a VERY logical person, so this is almost a new territory for me. I have a bad habit of taking emotions out of decisions I make - but my God, I'm struggling with this one...

Please help/advise. It'd be very much appreciated.

Screw him.. Take the Job .. Congratulations and Good Luck

Enjoy New York.

I think the question is, do you want the job? Try and make that decision separately. If you do, get in touch with him what have you got to lose?! Good luck and huge congratulations!

Decide whether you want the job, NOT the guy. If you can reconnect and it works then great - but don't do it for him.

Take the job

I agree, make the decision based on the job, not the man.

If he wasn't in the picture would you take the job?
If you went and the relationship didn't reignite would you still enjoy living there? (because chances are it probably won't).

Decide if you want the job for your benefit alone.

I agree RE: make the decisions based on the job, not the man. I think I'd take the job - as it is in a former home city - and within the parent company of my place of work - so it's not exactly uncharted territory based on those facts, but enough of a change - and living in London isn't much fun these days!

I think I'm wondering if he was just this 'fantasy'. I think we'd work very well together being in the same city, but in all frank/honesty - I am terrified.

I think I'm hurt/scarred at being the only one making an effort in the relationship towards the end. Would I be re-living that even though our main obstacle was distance? Would it ever really be a fresh start?

As I said above; I'm horribly logical - but my emotional side of my brain is having a hard time letting go of him.

Ugh. I'm pathetic.

You are NOT pathetic.

No one knows if the relationship will start again/work.

Make a decision about the job and then stick to it.

It should go without saying that he should not enter into your decision on the job. I assume that you’re wondering whether or not contact him if you do move? It does sound like distance was the major factor in the break-up so if you take the job, and you want to have a shot at making it work then what have you got to lose by telling him? Worse case scenario is that he doesn’t reply or gives you a generic response (and that you might have to avoid living in his neighbourhood!). Good luck.

I wouldn't be tempted to try to reignite a relationship that fizzled. If it was just the distance that brought if to an end I expect you'd feel more loved, wanted, assured he'd be thrilled by the news of your job...

Make the decision about the job!

You need to move to NYC

Take the job.
Let him know about your job, and see what his response is. But i would treat these as 2 very separate things

Go for it, but make the decision based on the job. You say you have friends out there, so it's not as if you'll be alone.

You could always contact him and say, You've been offered the job and if/when you come out, perhaps meet up for a drink when you've settled in.

It's kept it casual and would put the ball in his court.

Definitely go for the job! But I wouldn't pursue him, just leave him be and find someone you deserve :)

There are millions and millions of people in NY. You have no reason to ever see him again if you don’t want to. Take the job - it’ll be amazing.