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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Want to leave but we’ve recently bought a house

23 replies

jessica92x · 28/09/2019 18:49

Please don’t slate me or ridicule me anyone - I really feel stupid as it is. I’ve been with my boyfriend for six years now but our relationship hasn’t been quite right for the last two, nothing in particular has really happened but I feel we have just steadily drifted apart and I’m a very different person to who I was when we met. A year or so ago I said I thought we should end it, but he begged me stay with him, we ended up booking a holiday and resolving to try and fix things. At this time we also decided to move out of our flat and buy a house together which we are now in. Absolutely stupid move when you’re not sure about someone, I know, but at the time I truly felt things could be fixed and the house could be a fresh start. However, buying the house has made me realise I just can’t keep doing this long term, I have a sinking feeling at thoughts of the future, and the thought of getting pregnant with him makes me feel utterly terrified and trapped. We live in the city where he grew up and I miss my own family, and resent living so far from them for a man I don’t 100% love when he gets to see his all the time. Fortunately we don’t have children together so apart from the house there are no real ties. The money for the deposit was entirely his and he earns enough to be able to buy me out I think.

I just feel so awful/lost. I need to tell him that I think we would both be happier apart, and hope that he and the mortgage company will agree to take my name off the mortgage and the deeds of the house, or alternatively that I’ll need to flatshare somewhere whilst continuing to pay my half. Has anyone been in a similar situation? It seems that I only really learn my own feelings when it’s too late

OP posts:

Original poster

jessica92x · 28/09/2019 18:50

Not looking for any practical advice btw - just emotional support. I feel so so embarrassed at my own stupidity, letting this happen.

OP posts:

CottonSock · 28/09/2019 18:53

This happened to my sister..it was hard for her to tell people, but she did and they sold the house. Both have new partners now.

Original poster

jessica92x · 28/09/2019 18:53

@CottonSock how long after buying was this?

OP posts:

Queenoftheashes · 28/09/2019 18:57

I know people that this has happened to... it all got sorted out in the end. Mortgage company will take you off the deed if he can afford mortgage on his own which it sounds like he can. If you’ve not put anything in it doesn’t sound too messy, I’d leave before paying any more into it. Presumably he’d have bought the house either way and won’t need to sell it so it’s not so terrible you’ve realised all this now.

Comps83 · 28/09/2019 18:58

You’re just delaying the inevitable
Can you move out for a trial period and see how you feel or even go on holiday alone? The longer you leave it the harder it gets, it doesn’t matter when you bought the house. The fact he paid the deposit and could buy you out makes it simpler so its really more about making the decision to end it than the house.

CottonSock · 28/09/2019 19:04

@jessica92x it was less than a year

CornishCreation · 28/09/2019 19:51

It's always hard when a relationship doesn't work but for his benefit you need to end it sooner rather than later before he invests more of his life, he deserves to be with someone who loves and cherishes him and if you can't do that then you should give him the opportunity to find someone who will.

It isn't fair on either of you, you're also denying yourself happiness with the right person.
The house situation will resolve somehow and in a few years when you're both happy you'll know you did the right thing.

Just remember he will be hurting so give him time to process it all before you bring up the house.

PicsInRed · 28/09/2019 20:13

Jesus wept, woman, don't get pregnant. How much birth control are you on?

Inish · 28/09/2019 20:24

He begged you and you gave in. He set the house move up hoping you would change your mind.

You gave it a go - that’s admiral - it hasn’t worked. He will already know this. You have both tried but now is time to bite the bullet.

Have your plans in place, then tell him, then leave. Don’t give him any false hope.

You are doing him a favour in the long run.

Loads of people get swept up into weddings hoping it will change. Other people really won’t care. It sounds like the logistics will be simple. Don’t drag it out - otherwise it will be, wait until after Xmas, after birthday etc.

Get to it in the knowledge that you are giving you both a chance of real happiness - no matter what he thinks now - it’s not reciprocated so he is short changed.

CmdrCressidaDuck · 28/09/2019 20:38

Don't be too hard on yourself. This is entirely fixable. You aren't married, you don't have DC - sorting this out won't be the most fun you ever have but it can and will be done. And when it is, you will feel so relieved.

If he can buy you out and provided the whole deposit, this is really very simple. All you need to do, really, is tell him. You can do it tonight, or tomorrow. But you need to do it soon, for both your sakes.

And if you are having sex still, seriously, double up on contraception.

Good luck.

PippaRose · 28/09/2019 22:20

This happened to me, I’d been with my then boyfriend for 5 years and then we bought somewhere and I ended things a year later.

Like you I knew it wasn’t right when I got the place with him but hoped things would change and I remember feeling the same dread when thinking of having a baby with him!

It was tough at the time but a few years after I met my now husband and we have 2 children, I’m so glad I bit the bullet and ended things. It all seems a distant memory now.

I can see you are worried about feeling embarrassed but in the scheme of things there are way worse mistakes to make.

Good luck!

crappyday2018 · 28/09/2019 22:54

Hi OP, this happened to me but it was worse. I was with ex for 17 years and we had 2 dc. I thought buying a house would solve all our problems (how stupid). We bought a new build and literally a few months after buying it I realised I just couldn't do it any more. Obviously we;d had problems for years. On top of this, his mum was dying of cancer.
It got to the point that my anxiety became so bad that I had to tell him. Thankfully he agreed to move out if I paid the mortgage until the house sold. It took a year and a half to sell and was a very difficult time but I got through it and have come out the other side.
You're situation is not as bad. Nothing is impossible!

TimeForNewStart · 28/09/2019 23:30

This isn’t nearly so bad as it could be. If he can afford the house on his own then you really need to do this ASAP.

C0untDucku1a · 28/09/2019 23:33

If you didnt pay any deposit and youve been in the house a shirt time, why would you need buying out? You wouldn't have paid off any equity.

Just end it and have your name removed from the deeds and mortgage if he can afford it on his own.

Misskg1982 · 28/09/2019 23:37

This happened to me. I ended up staying for a year or so after I knew it was over, I stayed as we had a mortgage. But in the end I had to end it and was so happy when I did. I was able to take the house on so we just took his name off. It was awful at the time and heart breaking as it was a home.we had planned to build a future weigh together but as soon as we did I just knew it wasn't meant to be. The nest thing to do it rip off the plaster and walk away. A mortgage can be sorted out. Talk to your lender and tell them what's happening, that's what I did and they gave me the advice and options that I needed to the make the moves to moving him out.
Sometimes life just doesn't pan out how we hoped or imagined. I hope you manage to get it sorted.

thecatneuterer · 28/09/2019 23:41

If you didnt pay any deposit and youve been in the house a shirt time, why would you need buying out? You wouldn't have paid off any equity.

That was my initial reaction, but I think the OP probably meant that he would be able to pay 100 per cent of the mortgage, rather than the presumably half that he now pays, rather than she expects him to give her any money.

Singlenotsingle · 28/09/2019 23:44

I left my dp three months after buying a house together. I'd made a mistake and couldn't see any point dragging it out.

Elieza · 28/09/2019 23:48

You gave it 100%, it didn’t pan out, that’s ok. You tried. Sometimes moving in together makes things better. In your case it just confirmed your feelings.
Be honest with him and say you’re feeling a bit isolated and miss your friends and family and you want to move in somewhere nearer them in a rental or flat share for a bit. You can keep dating if you’re not sure if you may change your mind or you can split up here and now if there really is no hope for the relationship. Be honest.

Dont have sex = no risk of accidental pregnancy.

Defo sort the mortgage out so he takes it on or it gets sold.

Good luck.

Cherrysoup · 28/09/2019 23:52

Do it, OP, life is way too short to suffer in silence.

cakeandchampagne · 28/09/2019 23:55

You bought the house with the intention of making the relationship work. Though if put to a poll here, you probably would have been looking at 80% YABU.
With some legal help, it should be easy to resolve- and your friends & family don’t need to know the details. You’re not “stupid”.

Winterlife · 29/09/2019 00:42

How much equity do you have in the house? If not much, you may be better just leaving, provided you’re removed from the mortgage.

AllTheGlitter · 29/09/2019 00:52

Leave him OP. life is too short.

He can either buy you out or you can sell it - a hassle, yes but nothing is worth your unhappiness.

kimikoglenn · 29/09/2019 04:56

I agree, at less than a year, if you've been providing half the bill costs, there's no equity to release for you. The first 2 years are essentially paying interest anyway. Consider it spent like rent would be and just get your name taken off the deeds then go and enjoy a new found freedom!

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