Living with a mentally ill partner

[farfromperfect82]

I have been with my partner for 3 years. There's a lot of positives about the relationship - similar backgrounds, same values, same interests, same sense of humour, both ambitious and broadly want the same things out of life. I love him, we have an affectionate relationship and we don't argue. Financially he is very supportive.

But unfortunately he has such a bad mental health. He runs a successful business, hundreds of staff, it's very stressful which fuels anxiety and sometimes even depression. He has had some other physical health issues this year too. He has such low energy and this has affected our sex life. I really feel for him, I would say I am very supportive and try to be understanding but it's getting in the way of us enjoying life together. This evening we got invited to a dinner with some clients, it sounded like a lovely evening with all the other couples in the business. We had one week notice and he made every excuse about not going, and today has refused to go because he is not feeling good and has been a busy week. I understand why but it's so upsetting for me as it's a very good opportunity for me to get to know my clients more, create new opportunities for me. He knew it was important. I kind of feel like he should have sucked it up and come a long, be interested to meet my colleagues and see the project I have been working on.

To add more context I am freelance, I work two jobs, no kids but have animals. I do a lot for him - definitely more than half the housework and carry the mental load. Not to say he doesn't help, he will do anything I ask but it's me running the show in that respect.

We've been talking about starting a family but he is worried about upsetting his sleep and it making his mental health worse. Since I started wanting children more seriously (we are mid thirties) he has started to be a bit more proactive about his mental health - exercising, losing weight, seeing a therapist and changing what he eats as has some stomach issues. So he is trying.

I just wonder if I am making too many sacrifices and compromises, and I don't see him making loads for me. I want a family more than anything, I am just worried he is too selfish. I have given him an ultimatum to start trying in the new year.

I feel guilty for even writing this. Mental illness is illness end of the day. A partner should be supportive. I am trying but I just worry if things will ever get better and maybe I might miss out on children.

If anyone has any advice on how to deal with the situation I would be open to hearing it

I was you 10 years ago, OP. I loved him very much, thought I'd met the right person & thought I could handle it (the depression).

The fact that I had to give him an ultimatum to have my needs addressed was not good.

Retrospectively, I now see lots of selfish behaviour & he really was not life partner material. He did not pull his weight at home & could not think beyond his work, hobbies & mental health.

I was mid-30's & the clock was ticking loudly. So we went ahead & had DC.

Of course I have ended up doing about 90% of the parenting & home stuff. And I feel massively resentful about that. Which has affected how I feel about him.

The added pressure on him, as well as the inevitable life changes that come with middle age (redundancy, finances, ageing parents etc) has really impacted his mental health. To the extent he has had long periods of time off sick, working part time, was made redundant as a result of his MH.

So we have both suffered in different ways. In hindsight, we should have split up. In all likelihood we will, as we've limped along for years.

He would have been better having a selfish single life with no responsibilities beyond work, and I would have been better meeting someone who wanted the same things & pulled their weight at home.

Sorry that's probably not what you want to hear.

Wishing you well, OP

I hope that you went along anyway OP? Don’t let him hold your career back when you support his.

How long has he been taking steps to address issues in his MH? Has there been any improvement?

I don’t think it is fair on him, any child and you to drag him reluctantly into fatherhood if it is something he is not mentally or physically capable of.

Is the ultimatum that he needs his mental and physical health tip top by the end of the year so that you can start trying? Or is the expectation that you will start trying anyway? How can this happen if he has a low sex drive caused by depression?

@MoreProseccoNow hey there - thanks for sharing. Sounds like a real struggle I feel for you.

Do you think you will leave him?

@Inish I didn't go and I feel ashamed of myself. I do think living for myself and serving my needs even more is probably the way to go in this relationship. He was encouraging me to go but it's my own issue that when things don't go my way, i kind of shutdown.

I think it's more can he get to Friday and still have some energy to get out there and enjoy life? The depression isn't so much of an issue, we all have down days and he v v rarely takes a sick day. It's the anxiety and stress from work that affects the day to day. He finds it hard to live in the present. I really think the cbt and health coaching he is starting next week will help.

I think if there is no progress I am prepared to accept that if we stay together children is not a good idea. I am mid thirties now so if I want a child then I may have to go it alone.

OP are you investing in your own MH and emotional resilience here?

You are supporting him, he is also taking time out for additional professional support. Who is supporting you? Doesn’t sound like he is?

I would get your own therapist so that you have an outlet and can see the wood for the trees here. I would also reflect and log all of the incidents where you have supported him and where he has let you down. Look at the totality and the patterns. Is this how it has always been - is this who he is and is this then your future. Past/current behaviour is the evidence you need to predict your future. MH issues are not a free pass to neglect your SO and behave selfishly. Be clear what you are looking at. There are many women on this forum who have fell for the MH line to mask neglect and abuse. There are many woman and men who have suffered much more traumatic MH issues than your OH who still prioritise loving, respecting and supporting their partners, children, friends and family.

Don’t fall into the trap of wishful thinking or the “sunk costs” fallacy.

@farfromperfect82 - yes, that's the way things are going.

I should have also mentioned previously that, whilst I was trying to support him to get better, see a GP etc etc - he was shagging his secretary at work.

If I'd known at the time, I would have run for the sodding hills.

I found out later, after DC.

It's amazing the amount of men who are "depressed" and "stressed" or having a "mental health crisis" when in fact are just commitment-phobe arseholes.

Take care of yourself OP- don't let his mental health trump your happiness. You should not sacrifice what's important to you (marriage & children) for someone who cannot meet your needs. Don't waste years in this dynamic.

Thanks @i - I am definitely going to get counselling and am in process on sorting via medical insurance. You're right I need more emotional support than he is capable of providing. I think I am also suffering for some OCD stuff and prob am not they great to live with myself.

The truth is he has never ever let me down and this is the second time (first time was a stag/hen do with my friends at a festival) he's out and out said no to a social event in 3 years. In context he drove 140 miles for a visit to my mum for the night the day before.

@MoreProseccoNow well I hope things can get better for you guys, would he consider couples counselling?

I feel a little trapped to be honest. We both need our space as people. I am thinking of going on holiday by myself.

@farfromperfect82 - to be honest. I have decided to stop working at things; I have been propping up the relationship for years & am fed up doing it on my own. (I have co-dependent traits).

I had some counselling on my own & it helped me reach that conclusion. I would highly recommend having some yourself, OP.

Lastly, you are not trapped; please re-think that narrative. You are an intelligent woman with a successful career. You can leave if you choose.

What's your housing situation? Houses are just bricks & mortar - much easier to sell a home now when you have no children. It's a hundred times harder when there are DC, schools etc involved.