How do you establish new boundaries?

[mrssillysausage]

So this is a long story but I'm hoping that you lovely people will be able to provide some impartial advice and maybe tell me I'm being daft or unreasonable.
Me and my husband have been together a long time. Almost 20 years, both now approaching 40 with a young family.
Early days of our relationship my career rocketed and I have always been the breadwinner, whilst my husband had min wage jobs. He's always been shit with money, when he lived with his mum when we were first together I would pay his board for example. As soon as we got engaged we shared our money and have done ever since. I thought that was the thing everyone did.
Fast forward and after our first was born I took a two year career break (as I had substantial savings and could still support us during the period) when it came to me thinking about returning after our second, husband was having issues at work and so I asked if he wanted to take a career break to do childcare etc (we have no help) and he jumped at the chance.
Now over the last couple of months since he has started to look for work, I've been thinking I have never ever had control of my own money. I currently earn over £100k and support all four of us in every way. Yes he has been brilliant over this last couple of years meaning I could go back to work.
But I really want some independence, and he just doesn't get it.
So now he's returning to work am I unreasonable to suggest that he takes responsibility for his credit card, car loan, insurance and phone. He said I am being selfish.
But I just don't see my money. I get paid on Weds and there's nothing left. We had an extra £500 this month and I asked to withdraw some earlier and he's spent it all. Said on just normal expenses? I have literally bought a jumper and skirt from Tesco and we don't live a particularly lavish lifestyle although do have a nice house and cars.
I'm rambling on I know. But I'm just fed up. I want control of the money I work bloody hard to earn. I feel as though (pre career break) he's benefited from my income by having increased disposable income, which he would never in a million years have had on his wage.
Am I being a dick to change the financial boundaries now??

Why don't you control your money?

It all goes into a joint account

So he spends what he wants when he wants to.

No, you're not being unreasonable to ask him to pitch in once he can.

This man has it made.... if you are earning around 8k a month and only have jumper and skirt from Tesco to show for it, somebody is taking the michael!

Due to the huge disparity in earnings and his childcare contribution I think I would be inclined to allow him a yearly allowance of around 15k to top up his min wage salary and from there on out he would be paying a nice clean 50% of any bills/mortgage/petrol etc etc that needed paying.

It all goes into a joint account

Well then surely you can have a look online and see where it’s all gone to?

Do you have any idea of your monthly outgoings?

If it’s a joint account why are you asking his permission to withdraw money?

How much gets spent on Household Stuff (housing, utilities, groceries, family holidays, The Children)? Put that into the joint account, and only previously-agreed expenditure comes out of it.

Put a reasonable equal amount each into individual accounts, and each of you can spend it however you want. Include enough for clothes, toiletries, drinks after work. Possibly also commuting costs.

The rest goes immediately into long-term savings which you only access after discussion (and if he's terrible with money, you hold the passcode).

On a salary like yours, you shouldn't be considering an extra £500 to be that much, frankly (unless your mortgage is exceptionally huge and your children all attend Eton).

Thanks so much, it's a relief knowing I'm not being the cow he is making out I am.
It just gets frittered away, not big chunks but lots of little things and nothing to show for it.
Also it's not £8k, after tax savings and pension it's about £5k.
Still more than plenty!
Time to cut those apron strings I think hey.

I would open a new account, have your wage transferred into that. Then transfer money over to the joint to cover everything. Take control back.

Sit down together and budget? Or each contribute the same % of earnings to the joint account for living expenses etc?

Bucket time. 60% of joint wages into first bucket to pay everyday living expenses such as mortgage, food, bill etc.
20% into savings for holidays, car purchases, furniture, the big stuff. 10% into treats for family, takeaways, pictures, days out etc
10% into individual accounts for own splurge purposes such as outings etc that does not need to be justified to partner. This can be saved or splurged.
My DH likes computer games and guitars.
I am saving for a holiday with DD1

I am wondering what people would be saying if this was a man wanting more control over his wife's spending after she has sacrificed years to be a stay at home mum.
I think you need to sort out budgeting between you but I don't think that should be from the starting point of resenting your dh earning potential or bad habits you both have developed along the way when it comes to spending.

Hi Funky - we've both been stay at home for exactly the same amount of time, so I don't think that equality is an issue here. It's about resetting boundaries, and me taking control back of my income. You're right about the bad habits though.

Thanks again everyone. I had a conversation with DH last night and he isn't happy but I do feel like a weight has been lifted x

The argument on threads like this generally is that it is family money. What you’re asking for is a fairer distribution of the cash that’s left over after outgoings.
Lots of people would feel a bit resentful and react badly if they were suddenly being asked to account for their spending, but you need to get past that. As pp said work out a proper budget. If you don’t trust him and think he’s running up debts that’s a different conversation.

It's one thing to know what the bills are and where the money is going, it's quite another to suddenly declare the money yours. It's family income - he's been the sahp, at your suggestion.

I think it's fair to rejig the finances a bit if he's back to work, but you're obviously the higher earner so you need to pay proportionally. And if you actually want him to go back to work, it seems stupid to shoot yourself in the foot by penalising him financially for doing so.

Rejig the finances so you both have some spending money to yourselves. Don't get picky over the little stuff.
List your outgoings and income -

• money pot for household expenses and bills,
• savings and holidays, money in the pot for that,
• after all that, individual spends come out into individual accounts and you should have the same, as you're a team.

I think you need to sit down with him to work out where all your money is going and introduce it as a joint conversation/task.
I’m not sure if you feel that he is spending more of the money than you are or if it’s just going. During a “joint” conversation you can say that you’re not getting to spend your money on what you want and you think that each having your own money of what’s leftover is a good idea each month.
Mumsnet is full of people who say that once you’re married it’s all joint money but I’ve had too many years of my own money to then want to split everything and be working out whether I can afford clothes based on what someone else has spent.

If you dnMt know where the money is going, it sounds as if you are not doing the 'wifework' if all the thinking and planning (as well as buying) that goes in to the running of your household.

Perhaps start by talking to him more, and getting a fuller picture of what he has actually been doing, and what money is needed to support this.

Do not start down the lines of separate bank accounts, unless you are really sure that you don't actually trust him any more