Husband finally agreed to let me buy him out but scared of the future

[3gingerboys]

Hi all, thanks for reading. So after 18 years in an emotionally abusive relationship something snapped and I realised I didn't love my husband anymore. I told him and he was full of regret for his behaviour and accepted he'd been cruel, unsupportive and a bully. He begged for another chance and we did counselling and I agreed to see how things went but by June I knew there was no going back for me. He has refused to accept it's over and refused to let me buy him out (I am the main wage earner and he couldn't afford to buy me out) I have offered him 50% of the equity, no claim on pension or maintenance. We have 3 children, one has autism and they have never lived anywhere else. I understand that he doesn't want to live apart from the kids but the house is like a pressure cooker and I can't live like this anymore. I have started looking at houses and now he has told me to pay him and he'll go. Not sure I believe him as he keeps changing his mind but I've applied for a mortgage and they are coming to value the house. Now it's all starting to happen I'm terrified about having all the responsibility and being on my own with the kids. It's the only way but so scary! I feel kind of angry with him too as I went into the marriage a young naive 25 year old wanting a relationship for life and he's crushed me for years until I've finally got the balls to say no more. I never wanted to be a single mum and I feel he's ruined everything, my future is not what I hoped. He lied throughout the marriage and I could never trust him again. Feeling really down and just want to be on the other side, this next few months is going to be tough!

Everyone finds change scary and daunting at first. But that it is just is just our instincts kicking in to tell us to be on the alert in an unfamiliar environment. Mostly it’s unwarranted. In your case the big risk or issue is taking on a solo mortgage. But a lot of people do it and you will be ok.

You are also probably still suspicious of him and rightly so. Be very careful on how you proceed from now on in terms of splitting the assets. Make sure it is all reflected in a consent order for which you have both received separate legal advice. Until that happens do not hand anything over.

What do you mean, he's not paying maintenance? Why not?

I really think you need to get some proper legal advice, and not be driven by your guilt.

Thanks he wouldn't be able to afford maintenance with a mortgage and bills, he a low wage earner and I want him to have a nice home for when the kids visit. I'll make sure that a consent order includes a small maintenance payment so that it can be varied later if his circumstances change, although I've been advised that the courts don't deal with maintenance you can always apply to the CSA. I'd happily pay anything right to end this tension but I've had good legal advice. I know I'm offering more than the courts would probably order but I couldn't bear another year of living together!

You should be really proud of yourself.
You have achieved so much despite him.
When you have discarded this dead weight life will be simple and honest, your energy levels will come back and joy will be yours.

It is unsettling when you get to the finish line especially if you are worried he will be disruptive and you are also being reflective and angry.

Loads of conflicting emotions - have you any emotional support in RL?

Keep going - you are doing great - and your children will benefit hugely from a calm and peaceful Mother and home - as well as a role model of hard work and waking away from abuse.

He definitely needs to pay maintenance @3gingerboys It’s a percentage of his income and he has a financial responsibility towards your children so he needs to adjust his lifestyle accordingly. If that means he can’t have Sky TV then tough luck.

You are at the most difficult point in your separation, op, but the good news is that it gets easier!

I wobbled on the brink of splitting up for a long time but once you have properly taken the plunge a great weight will fall off your shoulders.

Keep going, stay strong ... you've got this.

Thank you so much for the support I've wobbled away from the last push once before but regretted it ever since! Time to put my big girl pants on and take the plunge 🙋

Ime, when a woman takes things on entirely herself, things get better. Budgeting, saving, managing the house....all far easier without uncertainty, I'll feeling and a bad atmosphere xxx